Letterman: Walmarts opened this Thanksgiving at midnight. It’s a real stampede. People get stomped. It’s like a Rand Raul rally.

Fallon: Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade! Wonderful memories. Sitting on Dad’s shoulders watching all the balloons go by. Yeah, last year was pretty great.

Fallon: Last minute TSA Security Holiday Travel Alert: When flying, do not attempt to carry-on foods, liquids, sharp objects or any shred of dignity.

Letterman: They say these new TSA patdowns are so thorough, you only need one every five years. Now, you can get the regular pat-down or upgrade to what they call the Full Spitzer.

Letterman: Wow, five public restrooms now in Times Square for the holidays. What, the curb isn’t good enough anymore? Anyway, they’re taking reservations now for New Years.

Letterman: My problem with the new TSA pat-downs: How long do you wait before calling the guy? And how much do you tip him?

Fallon: Thanksgiving, of course, is a very special day when the entire family gathers to roll their eyes at the one vegetarian cousin.

Fallon: ‘Skating With the Stars’ premiered the other night right after ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ I was able to watch both, thanks to my TiVo’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.

Fallon: Tiger Woods tells ESPN he’s ‘infinitely’ happier now than a year ago. Mostly because he changed his plan to unlimited texting.

Fallon: Steven Spielberg plans a new movie on Abraham Lincoln.  Great! Because when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, ‘Hey, Let’s go to a theater!’

Fallon: President Obama tells ABC’s Barbara Walters in an interview tonight that he’ll “have problems” if Americans are dissatisfied with him. In a related story, President Obama has problems.

Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win “Dancing With the Stars” this week. But next morning she woke up next to a bloody moose head.

(Malcolm is the Top of the Ticket blogger at latimes.com/ticket  )