Thanksgiving leftovers from late-night

posted at 8:04 am on November 26, 2010 by Andrew Malcolm

Letterman: Walmarts opened this Thanksgiving at midnight. It’s a real stampede. People get stomped. It’s like a Rand Raul rally.

Fallon: Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade! Wonderful memories. Sitting on Dad’s shoulders watching all the balloons go by. Yeah, last year was pretty great.

Fallon: Last minute TSA Security Holiday Travel Alert: When flying, do not attempt to carry-on foods, liquids, sharp objects or any shred of dignity.

Letterman: They say these new TSA patdowns are so thorough, you only need one every five years. Now, you can get the regular pat-down or upgrade to what they call the Full Spitzer.

Letterman: Wow, five public restrooms now in Times Square for the holidays. What, the curb isn’t good enough anymore? Anyway, they’re taking reservations now for New Years.

Letterman: My problem with the new TSA pat-downs: How long do you wait before calling the guy? And how much do you tip him?

Fallon: Thanksgiving, of course, is a very special day when the entire family gathers to roll their eyes at the one vegetarian cousin.

Fallon: ‘Skating With the Stars’ premiered the other night right after ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ I was able to watch both, thanks to my TiVo’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy.

Fallon: Tiger Woods tells ESPN he’s ‘infinitely’ happier now than a year ago. Mostly because he changed his plan to unlimited texting.

Fallon: Steven Spielberg plans a new movie on Abraham Lincoln.  Great! Because when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, ‘Hey, Let’s go to a theater!’

Fallon: President Obama tells ABC’s Barbara Walters in an interview tonight that he’ll “have problems” if Americans are dissatisfied with him. In a related story, President Obama has problems.

Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win “Dancing With the Stars” this week. But next morning she woke up next to a bloody moose head.

(Malcolm is the Top of the Ticket blogger at latimes.com/ticket  )


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Good Grief, doesn’t anyone watch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson?

That man is far far funnier than any of the above yokels combined!

pilamaye on November 26, 2010 at 8:10 AM

What is Late-Night? I thought that was HotAir. Are you saying there’s more?

Electrongod on November 26, 2010 at 8:21 AM

Electrongod on November 26, 2010 at 8:21 AM

Seriously, who knew?

Cindy Munford on November 26, 2010 at 8:24 AM

Late Night died with Johnny Carson………..

RealMc on November 26, 2010 at 8:28 AM

Ferguson is really funny.

Fallon on November 26, 2010 at 8:34 AM

Late Night died with Johnny Carson………..

RealMc on November 26, 2010 at 8:28 AM

So true.

Electrongod on November 26, 2010 at 8:35 AM

Ferguson is really funny.

Fallon on November 26, 2010 at 8:34 AM

You have some good jokes, too.

Disturb the Universe on November 26, 2010 at 8:42 AM

Are you kidding me? This is what passes as a thread on Hot Air these days???? They told us nothing would change when Michelle sold it, but they were wrong….

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Conan: Jennifer Grey was excited to win “Dancing With the Stars” this week. But next morning she woke up next to a bloody moose head.

ROTFLMAO!

Kafir on November 26, 2010 at 8:51 AM

Fallon: Steven Spielberg plans a new movie on Abraham Lincoln. Great! Because when I hear Abraham Lincoln, my first thought is, ‘Hey, Let’s go to a theater!’

This is about the funniest quip up there and it isn’t really funny.

Where is the OOTD?

OmahaConservative on November 26, 2010 at 9:02 AM

I think Ferguson is the best, too.

And whiners: We at HA like jokes, too.

Blake on November 26, 2010 at 9:06 AM

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Where’s your holiday spirit Loving? Not enough raw red meat to chew on? Would it help if we nominated you to yank Pelosi’s gavel out of her hands and throw it in the Potomac? Or better yet, throw both them both in the Potomac?

Rovin on November 26, 2010 at 9:08 AM

You have some good jokes, too.

Disturb the Universe on November 26, 2010 at 8:42 AM

For half a second, I blushed, lol. Duh… the other Fallon has some good jokes, too. In my book, Ferguson is still the funniest, followed by Conan (on a good day).

Fallon on November 26, 2010 at 9:24 AM

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Everything changes. Perhaps even “they” didn’t want to think about it, but it was inevitable.

I hope they don’t go too far toward RHINO territory. But I have to admit, I’m concerned. If they do, the demos of their community will change too. I hope that doesn’t happen.

novaculus on November 26, 2010 at 9:24 AM

‘Hey, Let’s go to a theater!’

ROFL

multiuseless on November 26, 2010 at 9:34 AM

Heh
Blake calling people whiners.

Sweet honey, thy name is irony.

blatantblue on November 26, 2010 at 9:42 AM

Ferguson is the best by far. But I haven’t watched him in a year or so.

I gave up on him when he did a riff on teabaggers. I was so disappointed in him because I had just seen his ‘Wee Bit o Revolution’ DVD the week before. I was really impressed with his Boston lecture on becoming a U.S. citizen.

And then he turned around and went for the cheap laugh. I wrote him a note about it. Sorry Craig. No more.

Peri Winkle on November 26, 2010 at 10:01 AM

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Where’s your holiday spirit Loving? Not enough raw red meat to chew on? Would it help if we nominated you to yank Pelosi’s gavel out of her hands and throw it in the Potomac? Or better yet, throw both them both in the Potomac?

Rovin on November 26, 2010 at 9:08 AM

I moved past the baby food years ago, but obviously you still need to be spoon-fed. This thread has all the obvious earmarks of something thought up at the last minute…and I use the word “thought” loosely…This is NOT the quality of the HA I grew to love and it is a sad passing…kind of like when the last real ice cream stand closes down.

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 10:08 AM

Rovin on November 26, 2010 at 9:08 AM

Instead of late night talk show hosts, how about something about this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0agS75OGgZA&feature=player_embedded

Or maybe this:
http://www.redstate.com/brianfaughnan/2010/11/25/white-house-expedites-wind-farms-stalls-drilling/

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 10:14 AM

Rovin on November 26, 2010 at 9:08 AM

Why doesn’t HA give some HA bloggers a spin? This is what a good thread would look like, and it’s from our own Kingjester…
http://kingsjester.wordpress.com/2010/11/25/thanksgiving-is-a-word-of-action/

Instead we have a thread about inane late-night talkshow hosts…with what, 19 comments? And 4 of them are mine?

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 10:19 AM

Good Grief, doesn’t anyone watch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson?

That man is far far funnier than any of the above yokels combined!

pilamaye on November 26, 2010 at 8:10 AM

-
Consistently funnier (By 10X!)/strong> No cue cards either.

diogenes on November 26, 2010 at 10:19 AM

In the Conan portion you left out the thirty or so “Yeah”s that go between each and every sentence. That boy really knows timing.

princetrumpet on November 26, 2010 at 10:31 AM

Ferguson is the best on late night TV. I like the swearing bunny rabbit.

princetrumpet on November 26, 2010 at 10:31 AM

Heh
Blake calling people whiners.

Sweet honey, thy name is irony.

blatantblue on November 26, 2010 at 9:42 AM

Yeah, I found that pretty funny myself…

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 10:33 AM

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 10:19 AM

Great idea. I tried to post on his blog but got an error.

OmahaConservative on November 26, 2010 at 10:36 AM

If anything, Andrew’s post is instructive because it shows just how gosh darn hard David Letterman is working at trying to avoid doing any jokes with Barack Obama as the punchline (Malcom’s typo on Rand Paul’s name aside, I really had to think for a few seconds to remember the incident involving the alleged assault on the woman who tried to confront Paul over a month ago to get exactly what the hell Letterman was referring to here).

Unless Dave was in re-runs this week and the show’s from late October, would anyone outside of a die-hard “Countdown” viewer be than passionately hateful against Republicans to get a punchline involving a month-old incident in a mid-sized state’s Senate race?

jon1979 on November 26, 2010 at 10:45 AM

If anything, Andrew’s post is instructive because it shows just how gosh darn hard David Letterman is working at trying to avoid doing any jokes with Barack Obama as the punchline..

jon1979 on November 26, 2010 at 10:45 AM

..good observation. Maybe ol’ Dave will do something truly funny one day like imitating himself having a heart attack.

(O.k., o.k., I know it’s cold; but I truly despise the guy.)

The War Planner on November 26, 2010 at 11:22 AM

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 8:43 AM

Dude, even HA needs a bit of a laugh now and again. The world is going to hell and all the doom and gloom doesn’t do any favors for your psyche, so its good to have non-political threads to provide a needed distraction so one isn’t overwhelmed. Otherwise, you start to sound like a KosKiddie…

I don’t see you complaining about the open football threads? Besides as the old adage goes, if you dont like it, dont read it.

Wolftech on November 26, 2010 at 11:31 AM

IMHO:

Ferguson has more raw talent than any of his competitors, but his network needs to spend some serious money to upgrade his set, his writers, his time slot, etc, etc.

Leno works harder than anyone else to make his show work, but the format is getting tired. Show biz people interviewing other show biz people has limited entertainment value for me: kind of like hollerin’ into an empty barrel…the only consistent message you get is that most actors should NEVER try to talk without a script.

landlines on November 26, 2010 at 11:37 AM

Wolftech on November 26, 2010 at 11:31 AM

Of course I wouldn’t complain about the football threads, obvious thought goes into them, and they are entertaining. This??? Really??? Put together in all of what–15 minutes? Glad you find something like this entertaining…carry on. I was only lamenting on the quality of HA since Michelle has left…never saw anything like this when she was here…

And you mistake me in thinking that I don’t mind entertaining threads–heck, some of the best threads are the headline threads. Wait, come to think of it, that about sums it up…

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 11:43 AM

Show biz people interviewing other show biz people has limited entertainment value for me: kind of like hollerin’ into an empty barrel…the only consistent message you get is that most actors should NEVER try to talk without a script.

landlines on November 26, 2010 at 11:37 AM

THIS…

lovingmyUSA on November 26, 2010 at 11:44 AM

If anything, Andrew’s post is instructive because it shows just how gosh darn hard David Letterman is working at trying to avoid doing any jokes with Barack Obama as the punchline.

LOL. It’s funny because it it true.

Fallon on November 26, 2010 at 12:15 PM

The best line from the late night jokes compiled by Andrew Malcolm was actually in his previous batch on Tuesday:

“SNL: The first ever Starbucks at sea opened this week on a Royal Caribbean cruise ship. And somehow there’s already a homeless guy in the bathroom.”

Emperor Norton on November 26, 2010 at 1:01 PM

Good Grief, doesn’t anyone watch The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson?

That man is far far funnier than any of the above yokels combined!

pilamaye on November 26, 2010 at 8:10 AM

Agreedo

Ortzinator on November 26, 2010 at 1:42 PM

The Conan one is definitely my favorite.

Gotta luv the CoCo

The Ugly American on November 26, 2010 at 4:58 PM