Too many appetizers to bother listing.

Kick-off the main event with:

Turkey

And then some Ham

And a choice of stuffings:

Cornbread Stuffing or

Oyster Stuffing

Or WTH have both.

Then some Greens naturally.

And, of course, Sweet Potatoes.

And it would be anti-American not to have Mashed Potatoes.

And don’t forget the Green Bean Casserole.

Oh, and a mountain of  Macaroni and Cheese too.

And, to be polite, unlimited Dinner Rolls.

Now the good part:

Dessert

Since the First Lady has OKd pies for ordinary Americans to consume this day and since, let’s be honest, she’s not doing the baking and neither is her Mom and he’s not doing the dishes, order up a slab of all six pies (6, as in VI):

Apple Pie (Michigan’s a battleground state, you know) and

Pumpkin Pie (it’s patriotic) and

Banana Cream Pie to cleanse the palate for

Cherry Pie and

Huckleberry Pie and

The Main Man’s Fave: Sweet Potato Pie.

Coma to come.

Thank you for your service.

(UPDATE Friday: Working off some of this feast, Obama was playing basketball with friends Friday and caught a new former friend’s elbow in the mouth. 12 stitches. No salt in tonight’s popcorn.)

( Malcolm is the Top of the Ticket blogger at latimes.com/ticket )