Via Breitbart, 100 seconds of pure horror — and the most uncanny rendering of Al Gore’s essential wooden-ness that you’ll ever see. I realize that the Goracle’s enemies desperately want this story to be true, but c’mon: Al Gore, “crazed sex poodle”? The guy responsible for one of the most awkward public kisses in recent memory? Even Silky Pony was above pawing at masseuses in hotel rooms. Although…

According to a source friendly with the Gores, Al Gore confirmed he received a therapeutic massage in his hotel room that night, and likely from the therapist making the accusation. But, the source said, Gore remembers getting a massage without incident and the therapist leaving on good terms.

Admit it: Haven’t you always suspected that he reproduces asexually, like a Gremlin or something? Unless the masseuse spilled water on him, I’m calling this one not guilty.

As for the clip, believe me when I tell you that it will haunt your dreams. It’s axiomatic but worth repeating: What has been seen cannot be unseen. Brace yourselves, my friends.