Yes, this is a bona fide news event. (Check Google News if you don’t believe me.) Just as the iPad pares down personal computing to its sweetest, most instantly gratifying essentials, so too does this M-80 of meat, fat, and salt. Why, I haven’t felt a craving this intense since … yesterday, actually. Steve Jobs and the Colonel: American geniuses.

On the day that I finally pull the trigger on the iPad, I’m taking it to KFC. And together, united at last, we shall Double Down.

Last August, we wrote about the “Double Down,” a mysteriously tempting (and potentialy lethal) new food item being tested by KFC. For those coming late to the story, it’s bacon and cheese sandwiched between two pieces of fried chicken. And now, many months later, I’ll finally be able to get my hands on one.

KFC announced the decision to go live with the Double Down yesterday, but we weren’t sure they weren’t playing a April Fools gag. But no, they truly are going nationwide with the delicacy on April 12.

So glorious is its arrival that KFC has actually posted a countdown clock on its website. Follow the link for nutritional information if you dare. They tested it last year in Nebraska and Rhode Island, just on the exceedingly remote chance that it wouldn’t be received well. As it is, they’re lucky other states didn’t see black markets spring up (content warning). Now that we’ve reached this point, with breadless lard bombs freely available to American adults, there’s really only one frontier left to cross. And that day is coming soon too, my friends.

Exit question: Is this the final, irrefutable reason not to buy an iPad? (Exit answer: Not if you’re already a beta male.)