Video: The best movie review you’ll ever see
posted at 7:08 pm on December 18, 2009 by Allahpundit
An epic palate cleanser via Ann Althouse and Slashfilm, which quotes the co-creator of “Lost” thusly: “Your life is about to change. This is astounding film making. Watch ALL of it.” I’ve only had time for part one thus far — there are seven in all for a total running time of 70+ minutes, if you can believe it — but I’ll get to them eventually. It’s that good.
Follow the links for parts two, three, four, five, six, and seven. Exit question: There really isn’t a way to describe Qui-Gon using the English language, is there? Content warning.
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After watching all 7 sections of this review, I can finally say I got my revenge on Lucas.
DAMN YOU LUCAS!!!
I can’t wait to see his review on Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith.
Lance Murdock on December 18, 2009 at 7:11 PM
Dang, that is good. I’ll watch the full series too eventually. I do think the first movie’s hero (though) is really Qui-Gon, and I do get the idea of Lucas not using character to drive the movie, and make it more documentaresque. If the dialogue hadn’t stank and the plot devices been so poor, it would have weathered better.
And the ease of description of the original cast instead of prequels is not demonstrative of anything, really, because we had been talking about Star Wars for 20 years. It was iconic, so I would hesitate to draw conclusions from the fact that people are easily able to talk/describe them.
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 7:20 PM
Palate being cleansed…
Seven Percent Solution on December 18, 2009 at 7:21 PM
wow, just wow
thebrokenrattle on December 18, 2009 at 7:22 PM
For all the weirdness in voice and retarded pronunciation of the word ‘protagonist’, that was indeed a great review.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 7:23 PM
Naw, I cannot watch and listen this dribble.
It’s like listening to beta male Hillary voice, so whiny.
Kini on December 18, 2009 at 7:25 PM
The start of Part II is priceless:
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Guys, this is beyond good. It is great! If only this guy was on Lucas’ team telling him what an nutcase he was/is. This epic review finally has given me closure on that horrible prequel that destroyed my love for SW.
Lance Murdock on December 18, 2009 at 7:27 PM
I always felt bad for not liking that little guy playing the young Anikin (sic?). He really was quite awful.
Cindy Munford on December 18, 2009 at 7:30 PM
So I paid tens of thousands of USD to go to drama school when I could have just watched this FIRST installment of his critque on Phantom Menace! Excellent! I have to go back and watch the rest!
Driefromseattle on December 18, 2009 at 7:30 PM
Not going to watch..dial up. It would take a month to download.
What is it?
Not to be a spooge, but I thought the whole Star Wars series was over rated stuff, tailored to children?
Itchee Dryback on December 18, 2009 at 7:30 PM
The basement tour in Part II just about made me choke on my dinner.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 7:32 PM
OK, I briefly watched some of the other videos
Call me condensed milk, I don’t get the purpose of the criticism.
You want to critique a movie, try any of the Michael Moore examples of cinematography.
You’ll get my attention then…
Kini on December 18, 2009 at 7:35 PM
+ 1000
thomasaur on December 18, 2009 at 7:35 PM
We’ve all been there.
Touched by the magic of Star Wars, hoping against hope the new Prequels would be just as good.
In truth, it was weeks after I first saw Phantom Menace that my friends and I could sort of begin ‘hinting’ that it wasn’t a very good movie amongst ourselves.
First sign: just a few days later I couldn’t remember parts of it after having seen it twice.
Did that ever happen with the very first Star Wars film in 1977?
I literally could not remember most of PM a week later.
And the guy in the review puts his finger EXACTLY on the problem: the depth of the characters is extremely shallow.
manofaiki on December 18, 2009 at 7:36 PM
Queen Amidala is a drag queens wet dream. HAWT costumes!
SouthernGent on December 18, 2009 at 7:38 PM
For a dude critical of other people’s movie making, he should cut out the extraneous crap out of his videos. Tied up women in the basement? Funny? No. Help the critique? No.
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 7:38 PM
Bwahahahahah!!! I just watched part one and it was excellent! This guy is spot on (even if he has a weird voice). I’m going to have to check out the other ones now.
mizflame98 on December 18, 2009 at 7:41 PM
The point is that the discussion of the original Star Wars characters could have begun in 1977 because there was actually something to discuss.
On the other hand, 10 years after The Phantom Menace, it’s still impossible to discuss the characters with any depth.
Kensington on December 18, 2009 at 7:41 PM
Go watch his reviews of the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies as well. The guy is merciless.
shirgall on December 18, 2009 at 7:44 PM
I thought the same thing until I realized it was part of a shtick that quickly becomes engrossing and hilarious.
I can’t stop watching — better entertainment than anything you’ll see at the movie theaters this weekend.
jjraines on December 18, 2009 at 7:45 PM
Wow. That was brutal and hilarious, like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of insults.
peski on December 18, 2009 at 7:45 PM
Ugharoo!!
canopfor on December 18, 2009 at 7:45 PM
Pro-ta-GON-ist.
LOL.
peski on December 18, 2009 at 7:46 PM
I thought that part was hilarious. And I like how he keeps messing up the names of historical events. He’s critiquing a stupid movie on a very intellectual level while inserting absolutely ridiculous crap into his critique.
It’s smart, and funny.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 7:47 PM
I can’t agree with that. Like many red-blooded Americans, I was eager to see the prequels when they came out and afterward me and my buds talked about the movies and characters for days.
Now, years after, we just kind of roll our eyes at the crappiness of the movie itself, but at the time our complaint was the crappy childish comic relief. Not the characters, since it was understood that the turning points, or defining aspects of their personalities (like Anakin) hadn’t happened yet. And it made sense that the Emperor was morally ambiguous because he was creating a false presentation to acquire power.
That doesn’t negate the points the review makes, but I do think the nature of a prequel – which is the story before the real captivating drama – should be like the meat of the story (4-6).
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Part one was great. I’m wondering if he gets around to the fact that they all took off for a big adventure leaving anakin’s mom… as a freaking SLAVE. Did you forget to go back “annie”?
WitchDoctor on December 18, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Ace thinks it’s genius too, and he is 10x the movie critic I am, so I yield. Just didn’t catch me, but I hear you.
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 7:49 PM
I was going to do something else tonight, but I’m enjoying these enough to keep going through them one by one.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 7:50 PM
Nothing could be worse than Return of the Jedi.
Luke’s idiotic dialogue, the moronic Ewoks are just few among a whole slew of aggravations, all capped by Darth Vader, murderer of children and genocider of entire planets – going to Jedi Heaven to join Obi Wan and Yoda.
A complete waste of outer space.
Worst
Movie
Ever
moc23 on December 18, 2009 at 7:51 PM
It’s funny you mention children because that is largely the complaint of the “reviewer”, that these types of movies should have a plot easily understood by children in dialogue and visuals.
Cindy Munford on December 18, 2009 at 7:51 PM
Allah, you must be an Ain’t It Cool News reader.
Cody Baker on December 18, 2009 at 7:52 PM
Brilliant. I’m on part 3. At this rate, I’ll watch it all. After the woman in the basement, how could you not?
Splunge on December 18, 2009 at 7:53 PM
At least now we know what Allah’s voice sounds like.
yomomma on December 18, 2009 at 7:54 PM
I like, but couldn’t get past the narrator’s brain-dead delivery.
John the Libertarian on December 18, 2009 at 7:55 PM
Why do people write “dribble” when they mean drivel?
Warner Todd Huston on December 18, 2009 at 7:56 PM
I`d rather watch a Kubucki Stripper Pole Manipulation
Dance,or sumpin dats similar,hehe!
canopfor on December 18, 2009 at 7:59 PM
Either the earth moved or Hitchcock just rolled over in his grave.
Rovin on December 18, 2009 at 8:00 PM
I’ve had three friends email this to me today. At first I was like “70 minutes” but figured I would watch the first one. 70 minutes later I was emailing my friends back raving.
I hope this guys does Crystal Skull next!
Sarjex on December 18, 2009 at 8:00 PM
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
csdeven on December 18, 2009 at 8:03 PM
George Lucas ruined it starting with the damn Ewoks. Everything from there on is pure sh-t. F Lucas. Quite possibly the most over-rated filmmaker ever.
toliver on December 18, 2009 at 8:04 PM
Like all lefties, and George Lucas is certainly one, they take what is good and working and what has always worked and then decide they need to micromanage it until it turns into a gigantic mess, a gigantic mess they hope can be redeemed by throwing lots of money at it with large contingents of highly paid technical advisers manipulating things that should have never existed in the first place.
In the fall from grace of Lucas and his franchise, you can see the same thought process of similar overreaching Lefties which will ultimately be the end of this Republic.
The political allegory is striking.
keep the change on December 18, 2009 at 8:09 PM
Why do people feel the need to correct spelling when no one asks them to?
Some people don’t take their use of the English language seriously and others take blogs waaaaaaay too serious.
csdeven on December 18, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Great observation on fast running in Part 6.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Ok, it’s getting weird by the end of part 2 (or should I say II?).
Oh well, on to part 3!
WitchDoctor on December 18, 2009 at 8:12 PM
The review has some great lines:
You’d think the real queen would want to hang around the throne room to stay current on any updates….
I still don’t know who the main character is and why we should care about any of this.
Obama in Copenhagen. Or not…
unclesmrgol on December 18, 2009 at 8:14 PM
The review, overall, suffers from exactly what the review accuses the Phantom Menace of doing.
It has its high points, even if they are repetitive. After all, if a movie is truly as bad as this guy seems to think, why waste the gigabits in such a largo commentary?
unclesmrgol on December 18, 2009 at 8:16 PM
Abso-freakin-lutely awesome. I could have done without the slasher/kidnapping cameos, but the rest of it was so freakin’ awesome I can overlook it.
By the way, this review could have gone on for another four or five hours. The stupid never ends in Phantom Menace. Maybe the producer should make 3 episodes of the review. And then make a prequel trilogy of his review?
Even though I was a huge Star Wars geek (saw the original in the theater 26 times, waited 11 hours in line for Empire on the day after opening), I never saw Ep2 & Ep3 and never will. That’s how bad Ep1 was. Every now and then I re-watch one of the original films, but there’s a bad taste in my mouth that just won’t go away.
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 8:21 PM
5:45 of part 2. “Space Obama” lol
dIb on December 18, 2009 at 8:24 PM
Yeah. First part was good and clever. 2-7 waste of time, unless you are drinking I suppose.
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 8:25 PM
I think that’s part of the genius. At one point he rips the movie for overlooking incredibly basic, common sense things and then immediately confuses the Cuban Missle Crisis with World War I.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 8:26 PM
Brevity
Is
The
Soul
Of
Wit.
Jewel on December 18, 2009 at 8:29 PM
There are but 2 good Star Wars movies and those were Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. Saw the first on Christmas 1977 at the age of four, one of my earliest memories and the defining cinema experience of my life. My parents are convinced I came back from that movie with permanently larger eyes. I was never tempted to watch any of the modern ones.
Sharke on December 18, 2009 at 8:31 PM
Worse than Ep1? Are you kidding me? ROTJ is a cinematic masterpiece compared to Ep1.
But that doesn’t change the fact that ROTJ was an absolutely lame movie. Cringe-inducing almost from the very start.
And we all know why. During production of Empire, director Irvin Kershner didn’t kowtow to Lucas, did everything his own way, and thus made the best of all the Star Wars movies. Lucas was furious, of course, and for ROTJ he brought in a sycophant director, thus resulting in the worst (by far) of the original trilogy.
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 8:31 PM
I heard that the other actors referred to him as “Manikin Skywalker.”
But, seriously, even if they had the best child actor ever born playing the part, what was there to DO?
I mean, what direction would you give someone playing that part? “OK, stand there and look around like you have no idea what’s going on.” That’s pretty much the whole role.
I think the seeds were planted after the first movie; when Lucas realized he could make more money off the claymation freaks in the Bar Scene than all the ticket receipts combined. After that, he forgot about pretty much everthing else except what costumes would make the cutest action figures.
When you look at the big picture, Lucas made at least one movie that was a genuine classic. So what if all the rest totally sucked ass? That still puts him head-and-shoulders above 99.999% of the directors who have ever lived.
As far as I’m concerned, the only REAL reason to hate George Lucas is because he’s such a consummate hypocrite. He started out as a rabid critic of what he called the “Hollywood corporate system.” And then he ended up becoming by far the worst offender.
logis on December 18, 2009 at 8:31 PM
Part 7 will not play.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 8:32 PM
In related news, next segment of putz 0′reilly’s show, he says he is going to broker a peace deal between the Sith and the Jedi…..
Err….
I mean, The 0bama Administration and Glen Beck.
LegendHasIt on December 18, 2009 at 8:34 PM
LOL. That was killer. Space Obama raising taxes. HAHA
I can’t believe I watched ALL 7 parts. Crazy and Amazing.
This was better than the figgin movie.
Geochelone on December 18, 2009 at 8:35 PM
There is a link in the info box (an alternate) if you can’t get the original 7 to work. That one (here) worked for me.
Spirit of 1776 on December 18, 2009 at 8:36 PM
greatest review evah.
/comic book guy.
:)
vai2112 on December 18, 2009 at 8:46 PM
That link worked. Thanks.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 8:48 PM
++
the_nile on December 18, 2009 at 8:49 PM
It’s amazing how lucas could be so clueless.
the_nile on December 18, 2009 at 8:50 PM
I still remember the exact moment I ‘outed’ myself among my group of friends that had seen the movie several times together in the theaters.
I paused, swallowed real hard and said, “You know guys………..it really wasn’t that good of a movie.”
And there was this looong pause. And then one of them, like a huge weight had just been lifted from his shoulders, said, “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.”
And from then on we all started opening up and admitting we had spent weeks trying to convince ourselves of how ‘good’ it was and it was just getting ridiculous.
manofaiki on December 18, 2009 at 8:52 PM
That. was. amazing. I watched the entire thing. Allah is right, the greatest movie review ever. Period.
Complete7 on December 18, 2009 at 8:52 PM
Only on the 3rd…but it is hilarious as well as astute. The basement made me cry…so funny.
Diane on December 18, 2009 at 8:57 PM
I agree wth the reviewer about CGI stealing all elements of grit and humanity from the Star Wars saga. The CGI effects became the focus of the entire prequels.
There was a scene in John Boorman’s Excalibur when the knights of the Round Table are riding off to find the Holy Grail into a rainstorm. Camelot is shown in the distance as a small shining city on a hill. The filmakers accomplished this by old school trick photography (an image placed on the camera).
The scene was dramatic, epically done, and far more realistic than any CGI effect could have been. Probably cost nothing to do it too.
Mike Honcho on December 18, 2009 at 9:00 PM
The Star Trek Generations review is funny (and only 3 parts…).
Didn’t watch all of Phantom Menace, I disliked it enough not to watch the review.
reaganaut on December 18, 2009 at 9:01 PM
When you Tweeted this earlier, I watched the first part, it was all I had time for. But it was funnier than I expected the longer it went on. It was great to finally have someone put into words why that movie was a bad as it was.
myrenovations on December 18, 2009 at 9:03 PM
Awesome…thanks for this
Asher on December 18, 2009 at 9:04 PM
Joke…right?
Itchee Dryback on December 18, 2009 at 9:05 PM
Part 2…cried so hard from laughter.
Blarg the Destroyer on December 18, 2009 at 9:10 PM
That was actually pretty good on the whole. I’d say you could skip 2,3,4, and 5 however as he spends a bit too much time tearing into minor plot holes. The first video is excellent, the last minute of 6 is very good, and 7 is ok.
jhffmn on December 18, 2009 at 9:12 PM
One of this reviewer’s points was that Lucas didn’t “make” Star Wars in the same sense that he “made” Ep1. In the original, though Lucas was the driving force, he wasn’t yet a bigshot and thus the rest of the crew (e.g., producer Kurtz) didn’t bend the knee to him, and forced the movie to be way better than it would have been, if Lucas had sole sway. During Empire, Lucas was busy on other things and director Irvin Kershner basically ignored Lucas. Lucas learned his lesson, and for ROTJ he controlled everything. Thus we got (barf) Ewoks.
The point is, Lucas was never the genius everyone made him out to be. So don’t give him sole credit for Star Wars, and don’t be surprised that every one of his films since Star Wars has sucked ass. Apparently he works well as part of a team (Star Wars, Raiders of the Lost Ark), but give him control and you’ll guarantee a train wreck.
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 9:13 PM
I didn’t expect to sit down for an entire hour to watch this, but I’m glad I did. Very funny and pertinent review of TPM. I loved his analysis of the multiple endings among the many movies.
KillerKane on December 18, 2009 at 9:13 PM
Unfortunately not.
But fortunately, it was even lamer than I expected, and Beck treated it (and 0′reilly) as a joke.
LegendHasIt on December 18, 2009 at 9:13 PM
That was awesome!
I think this guy should get his own television show and do critiques. This guy is much better than Siskel and Ebert ever were as a movie critic.
Conservative Samizdat on December 18, 2009 at 9:14 PM
GRRRRRREAT!
WATCHED THEM ALL.
EFFIN’ BRILLIANT.
HIS ANALYSIS IS SPOT ON.
(I HAVE A MASTERS IN FILM AND HE NAILED IT.)
HE ONLY LEFT OUT ONE IMPORTANT THING:
STAR WARS WAS SO GREAT BECAUSE THE STORY FOR STAR WARS WAS LIFTED FROM KUROSOWA’S “THE HIDDEN FORTRESS”.
LEFT ENTIRELY ON HIS OWN FOR THE STORY OF THE PREQUEL, LUCAS PROVED UNEQUAL TO THE TASK.
reliapundit on December 18, 2009 at 9:20 PM
Fools! THIS is the best movie review EVAH!
Jewel on December 18, 2009 at 9:22 PM
Personally I think the best part of the review was when he analyzed the lightsaber scenes. The guy is right, the lightsaber scenes where about growth and development and not fighting for the sake of fighting.
Lance Murdock on December 18, 2009 at 9:22 PM
I agree, parts are tedious but then he’s so frikkin funny! Not for watching at work…
Shay on December 18, 2009 at 9:23 PM
Wow. A Masters. I can only claim a Bachelors. But I agree with you COMPLETELY…as I agree with the reviewer. Fun, funny and VERY spot on.
Two enthusiastic thumbs up. Great holiday fun. :)
-Travis, CLUELESS.
tickleddragon on December 18, 2009 at 9:24 PM
YES this is that good!
das411 on December 18, 2009 at 9:26 PM
He nails that one too.
pfamis on December 18, 2009 at 9:28 PM
Oh $*@#!! How did that guy film in my activity pit in part 2 without me knowing?? Gotta review my security procedures…
clancy_wiggum on December 18, 2009 at 9:28 PM
It’s really hard to make sequels on any movie idea. The root idea has already been shown to the audience so somehow new stuff has to be added without loosing the basic theme. The Star Trek and Rocky sequels suffered much like the Star Wars sequels.
docdave on December 18, 2009 at 9:31 PM
The only thing I remember about this movie was Liam Neeson. He was hot, even looking like a hippie.
mjk on December 18, 2009 at 9:32 PM
In watching this I was reminded of Pirsig’s Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
It starts out crudely but you soon begin to sense that there is is real depth to it. The dumbed down simplicity gives way to a penetrating analysis. You discover that you are in the hands of a master, a true virtuoso. By then you are fully immersed, almost mesmerized, and you want more. When it is over you can’t help but think about it, awestruck at the magic of the ever elusive obvious.
Geochelone on December 18, 2009 at 9:36 PM
OMFG, this stuff is dangerous!!! I nearly died laughing in part 2. True genius.
Aylios on December 18, 2009 at 9:40 PM
I was looking at your comment, posted in ALL CAPS, and noticing that you had a link to your own blog, and I said to myself, half-seriously, “I’ll bet this guy posts on his blog in ALL CAPS, too.”
And then I clicked your link.
Seriously, dude, anyone with a blog that looks like that shouldn’t be criticizing anybody, for anything.
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 9:51 PM
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~a pause to catch my breath…~
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
jerrytbg on December 18, 2009 at 9:55 PM
I think the dude’s voice is what makes it so funny. Loved his pronunciations.
di butler on December 18, 2009 at 9:58 PM
On the scene where the goofy aliens try to gas the Jedis to death:
“Obviously they’ve never killed a hooker in their crawlspace. Try using the fast-acting Raid, at least six cans…”
Genius.
The prequels committed the cardinal sin of a movie series. They were not only boring and horrible, they highlighted the flaws of its predecessors so that you never want to watch those again either.
Other examples, please see Spider-Man 3 or any of the Matrix sequels.
TheMightyMonarch on December 18, 2009 at 9:58 PM
Don’t get him started on the caps lock.
BadgerHawk on December 18, 2009 at 9:58 PM
Heh, on part 5 now, this is funny as hell.
clearbluesky on December 18, 2009 at 10:08 PM
Spot-on.
And yes, the Matrix sequels ruined the original for me. I remember being in awe as I watched the original for the first time — completely blown away at the creativity. Now I can’t watch it without thinking about the sequels, which triggers my gag reflex.
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 10:10 PM
Brilliant!
sinsing on December 18, 2009 at 10:11 PM
Maybe that was one his post-grad courses? CAPS-LOCK 502
Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 10:13 PM
Exactly. The original flicks were great storytelling with interesting characters. That’s why they’re shown to everybody’s kids, that’s why they’re “iconic”. These prequels were crap. Lucas’ “enhancements” of the original trilogy were also crap. HAN SHOT FIRST!!!
The seven review clips had some deep commentary. Weird, but funny. And that lightsaber analysis was dead-on.
Chris_Balsz on December 18, 2009 at 10:29 PM
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