Video: The best movie review you’ll ever see

posted at 7:08 pm on December 18, 2009 by Allahpundit

An epic palate cleanser via Ann Althouse and Slashfilm, which quotes the co-creator of “Lost” thusly: “Your life is about to change. This is astounding film making. Watch ALL of it.” I’ve only had time for part one thus far — there are seven in all for a total running time of 70+ minutes, if you can believe it — but I’ll get to them eventually. It’s that good.

Follow the links for parts two, three, four, five, six, and seven. Exit question: There really isn’t a way to describe Qui-Gon using the English language, is there? Content warning.

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And yes, the Matrix sequels ruined the original for me. I remember being in awe as I watched the original for the first time — completely blown away at the creativity. Now I can’t watch it without thinking about the sequels, which triggers my gag reflex.

Splashman on December 18, 2009 at 10:10 PM

Completely different story arcs, but I thought the last two Matrix sequels made a great tale. Would have been better to have it about Neo’s son, rather than drag Neo into it.

Chris_Balsz on December 18, 2009 at 10:32 PM

That was awesome. How do I get to the Star Trek review?

HawaiiLwyr on December 18, 2009 at 10:34 PM

Dude. Part 2…Space Obama…Bwahahaaha!

bluelightbrigade on December 18, 2009 at 10:41 PM

Dude. Part 2…Space Obama…Bwahahaaha!

bluelightbrigade on December 18, 2009 at 10:41 PM

Bwahaha!

Man I’m glad I found this! Best thing I’ve seen in ages.

TheBigOldDog on December 18, 2009 at 10:57 PM

Don’t just do a drive by post on this one. Actually watch it. It’s gold. Good advice for any budding script writers in the HA crowd.

Mojave Mark on December 18, 2009 at 10:59 PM

I tried to tell my kids… it’s sterile and incoherent… would they listen? …no… oh no…

Akzed on December 18, 2009 at 11:04 PM

Can’t believe I spent 70 minutes on that – but it was worth it. Hilarious and right on the mark! After that POS Phantom Menace I still went to see the other two just to see what happens. Worst movies I’ve ever seen.

mdenis39 on December 18, 2009 at 11:15 PM

Great post AP! Finally someone quantifies how we purists feel about the crap prequels.

MechEng5by5 on December 18, 2009 at 11:26 PM

Dude talks like the bug in MIB!

MechEng5by5 on December 18, 2009 at 11:30 PM

Continued in Part II.

GW_SS-Delta on December 18, 2009 at 11:41 PM

Part 2 was so funny I had to change my boxers. (TMI?)

Bruno Strozek on December 18, 2009 at 11:54 PM

Tedious. Probably as tedious as watching the original movie being reviewed. After segment 3, all I could tolerate was the first minute or so of each of the subsequent review segments. Very tedious, and I suppose his voice was intentionally monotonous to parody the monotony of the non-storyline of the movie? Sorry, AP, just not worth 70 frigging minutes to watch.

KendraWilder on December 19, 2009 at 12:32 AM

Heh. I liked all three g*damm prequels. So sue me.

fiatboomer on December 19, 2009 at 1:22 AM

He totally fell apart at the end of Part 7 but overall it was greatness.

ScottMcC on December 19, 2009 at 1:31 AM

For sharing this I can never be mad at you again. Your plan has worked. Thanks.

chicagojedi on December 19, 2009 at 1:37 AM

YES! YES! YES! WHERE HAS THIS GUY BEEN? THEY NEED TO REMAKE I, II, AND HALF OF III!

rednebulastudios on December 19, 2009 at 1:58 AM

I spoke too soon. Popped “Empire Strikes Back” in the DVD player tonight, and forgot how perfect of a movie it was. Almost.

You see, the only copy I have is the “Special Edition” version.

As in “Lucas can’t stop tinkering with his own damned movies, so you’re forced to actually see the snow creature that tries to kill Luke instead of the original version where you don’t, which was much more suspenseful but oh well, now we have a jammed-in scene that doesn’t fit with the rest of the movie.” *pant pant*

I know…anal retentive and all that. All I’m saying is that I’m glad the Indiana Jones trilogy came out on DVD before Lucas decides to release the “Special Edition” where they jam in a family of friggin’ CGI groundhogs into the ark-opening scene. Or Indiana avoids the face-melting, not by averting his eyes, but by hiding in a refrigerator.

TheMightyMonarch on December 19, 2009 at 2:05 AM

HAN! SHOT! FIRST!

Chris_Balsz on December 19, 2009 at 2:19 AM

Heh. I liked all three g*damm prequels. So sue me.

The only part of the prequels I can watch is the Darth Maul duel. Fortunately someone posted the entire thing on Youtube and had the decency to cut out the other three storylines…namely Anakin bumbling his way onto a spaceship, Jar Jar farting his way through a boring CGI battle, and Natalie Portman choreographing a scene for the video game developers.

The second movie was just freaking ridiculous. Yeah, it was nice to see Yoda bust out the Force powers for once but was it worth sitting through two mediocre actors plodding through Lucas’ asinine love story?

As for the third…once I saw the end of “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” it made me hate Episode III even more. I want to see two powerful, evenly matched people tear the room apart fighting each other, not a meticulously choreographed fencing duel between actors in front of a green screen.

Lucas is no doubt talented…but the two most highly regarded movies of the series were either highly influenced by the studio process (Ep. IV) or directed by someone who fought Lucas tooth and nail to make a good movie (Ep. V). When he controls the entire process we get a cheesefest with frustrated actors who get no direction (Lucas is well known as someone who doesn’t know how to handle actors).

TheMightyMonarch on December 19, 2009 at 2:26 AM

The best, longest, and most disturbing movie review ever.

This is why I review dollar and old movies on my link. There’s so much to be said even after almost everyone’s forgotten about it. The Hollywood Tripe Machine is much funnier in our collective rearview mirror.

rihar on December 19, 2009 at 2:34 AM

I saw Star Wars in August 1977. I saw it 33 times in the first run in the theatre, and countless times when it was at our local small, one screen movie theatre. It was magic! I can still quote it, word for word.

If I did not have my nephew with me, I would have walked out of, what was it called, The Phantom Menance? I took him there with the hope of seeing him as a 9 year old seeing the joy that I saw as a 14 year old in 1977. I am still holding my grudge against George Lucas, FOREVER! I want my childhood back! I strongly dislike you George Lucas!

margategop517 on December 19, 2009 at 2:37 AM

and Natalie Portman choreographing a scene for the video game developers.

TheMightyMonarch on December 19, 2009 at 2:26 AM

Not to mention mouthing Qui Gon’s lines with him while he speaks them in the “introduction to Anakin’s Mother” scene on Tatooine. Que it up sometime, it’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

rihar on December 19, 2009 at 2:37 AM

Not to mention mouthing Qui Gon’s lines with him while he speaks them in the “introduction to Anakin’s Mother” scene on Tatooine. Que it up sometime, it’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

rihar on December 19, 2009 at 2:37 AM

Yeah, she never struck me as much of an actor, but even mediocre ones can look like geniuses in the hands of a talented actors’ director. Lucas ain’t one of ‘em.

Look at Ewan MacGregor’s wooden performance in the prequels (directed by Lucas who admittedly doesn’t care about performance) vs. his role in “Trainspotting” (directed by Danny Boyle who has a brief but impressive resume). Night and day.

Even better…look at Harrison Ford in Empire (great range from arrogance to charming to heartbreaking) vs. Jedi (dumbed-down, pansied-out, and goofy).

TheMightyMonarch on December 19, 2009 at 2:49 AM

I was laughing so hard at the explantion of the bet in part 5 I had to pause it and walk away for 10 minutes.

Wingo on December 19, 2009 at 2:55 AM

Allah…

This is one of your best. I just made it through 7 of 7.

From “Ghey Robot” to “Omelette leads to Fecal Emergency…”

I haven’t stopped laughing.

Dude, Merry Christmas!

Seven Percent Solution on December 19, 2009 at 3:14 AM

rihar on December 19, 2009 at 2:37 AM

There was a black and white movie made in the sixties, I believe, and I have been trying to get my hands on it.

There was a British contingent in Africa, where a Sgt. Major was made fun of by all the troops for being too professional, until the African revolt, the Officers were stuck in the dance hall, and the Sgt. Major led a squad to take back the base, only to face a “Courts Martial” at the end, because the Officers in the dance hall had made a treaty with the ‘revolt’ during the night.

Do you know the movie…?

Seven Percent Solution on December 19, 2009 at 3:21 AM

This is better, three and a half minutes of gold:

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn’t seen it)

Makes more sense than the prequels. And then there’s this:

Snatch Wars (Snatch Vs Star Wars)

mudskipper on December 19, 2009 at 3:26 AM

Do you know the movie…?

Seven Percent Solution on December 19, 2009 at 3:21 AM

The only thing I can think of is Commandos but that’s not right. It’s a 1960′s release, WWII, and in Africa but it’s an American film. Had the bad guy from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly in it. Sorry, I’m no help.

rihar on December 19, 2009 at 3:38 AM

TheMightyMonarch on December 19, 2009 at 2:26 AM

Star Wars-related George Lucas-bashing strangely resembles sports fans (especially Washington Redskins fans) whining about the owner of the franchise.

When I was a kid, all three (at the time) Star Wars movies were considered awesome. Perhaps a decade later, I started hearing from some bothersome fanboys that ROTJ sucked, which was news to me. Then the prequels came out, and the bashing suddenly extended to everything George Lucas has ever had anything to do with except for the Han-Greedo scene in Star Wars which was obviously originally directed by 10-second guest director Ridley Scott until Lucas hosed it up in the Special Editions. Waaaaah.

Look, I thought Jar-Jar was stupid and I didn’t care for the crappy “romance” dialogue in Attack of the Clones. But I enjoyed everything else – in all six movies.

I tell angry sports fans if they really hate the owner that much, don’t go to the games, don’t buy apparel, and don’t have anything to do with the team. And if you really hate Star Wars that much, don’t spend any money on stuff George Lucas produces. Otherwise, STFU.

fiatboomer on December 19, 2009 at 5:14 AM

I’m out when he starts bagging on Empire. Snarky internet is snarky.

oddjob1138 on December 19, 2009 at 7:26 AM

This is dumb. I see alot of stuff about how magical the original Star Wars films were. Get over it! We were all a lot younger then! I’m sorry but as I approach 40 very quickly there isn’t too much in my life that appears as magical. The only things I find that give me that child like awe are the things from my childhood. As much as I love the originals, you can’t compare the light-sabre duels in the originals with the 2nd three. I think the one thing that irritated me the most other than Jar Jar, was Darth Mauls short life. Oh and if you call yourself a “Star Wars Purist” you are a complete nerd and need to find a girlfriend or something.

gator70 on December 19, 2009 at 8:53 AM

Ok, I watched all 7 parts.

Except for his little wacko meanderings about rape, imprisonment, and murder, he was brilliant.

fossten on December 19, 2009 at 10:21 AM

Could have done without his back story, but otherwise it was pure genius.

diesirae on December 19, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Other examples, please see Spider-Man 3 or any of the Matrix sequels.TheMightyMonarch on December 18, 2009 at 9:58 PM

My favorite part of Spiderman 3 is the Outdoor Particle Accelerator. Yup, we\’re doing these delicate tests on subatomic particles. Whoops, a bird or a racoon got into the accelerator. Oh well, just fire that baby up …

PackerBronco on December 19, 2009 at 11:09 AM

Look, I thought Jar-Jar was stupid and I didn’t care for the crappy “romance” dialogue in Attack of the Clones. But I enjoyed everything else – in all six movies.

fiatboomer on December 19, 2009 at 5:14 AM

So you’re an idiot.

It’s not a matter of opinion.

It’s fundamental like the Law of Gravity.

The Prequels were terrible. Period.

Anyone who argues otherwise is the cinematic equivalent of a flat-earther.

PackerBronco on December 19, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Great…just great.

DanStark on December 19, 2009 at 11:18 AM

I just watched all 7 and now only found it funny but damn informative as well about good film making. I always noticed the obvious mistakes the movie had made but it was so horrible I never brought myself to truly dissect the film the way he did. It was just boring, I watched it 3 times in 1999 (once with a friend who was a huge fan, again with my older brother who introduced me to Star Wars to begin with and then for a third time with that same friend who insisted I was being too hard on it and paid for my ticket thinking I would change my mind – I didn’t). The movie is so wretched I will NEVER watch it again; it is not easy seeing your childhood bastardized.

This critique was long yet enjoyable. I thought the weird rape jokes went out of hand, he could have just stuck to the scene in the basement which was hilarious, but he certainly nailed what was wrong with Star Wars.

Daemonocracy on December 19, 2009 at 11:19 AM

This is dumb. I see alot of stuff about how magical the original Star Wars films were. Get over it! We were all a lot younger then! I’m sorry but as I approach 40 very quickly there isn’t too much in my life that appears as magical. The only things I find that give me that child like awe are the things from my childhood. As much as I love the originals, you can’t compare the light-sabre duels in the originals with the 2nd three. I think the one thing that irritated me the most other than Jar Jar, was Darth Mauls short life. Oh and if you call yourself a “Star Wars Purist” you are a complete nerd and need to find a girlfriend or something.

gator70 on December 19, 2009 at 8:53 AM

He covers why the lightsaber duels in the original trilogy are superior to the prequels. You don’t have to be a Star Wars nerd to know that the new duels were too heavily choreographed, lacked a psychological component and went on for far too long.

A bad movie is a bad movie and sayign so does not make one a “purist”. If anything, you’re the Nerd for getting all offended over the criticism.

Daemonocracy on December 19, 2009 at 11:24 AM

When I was a kid, all three (at the time) Star Wars movies were considered awesome. Perhaps a decade later, I started hearing from some bothersome fanboys that ROTJ sucked, which was news to me. Then the prequels came out, and the bashing suddenly extended to everything George Lucas has ever had anything to do with except for the Han-Greedo scene in Star Wars which was obviously originally directed by 10-second guest director Ridley Scott until Lucas hosed it up in the Special Editions. Waaaaah.

aside from the odd assertion you made about Star Wars fans turning agaisnt the original trilogy (not sure who you’re hanging out with) I just want to touch on the Greedo scene.

The reason why people bring up the Greedo scene so much is because it shows a clear contrast in mindset of the younger George Lucas to the old fart we have today. In the original movie, Han shot Greedo first without warning and killed him. He was a scoundrel, a rogue and acted like one. In The special edition they edited it to where Greedo shot first and Han, now a boyscout, fired back in self defense. It is a clear change in the character of Han Solo and explains a lot about the differences of Lucas of then and now.

Daemonocracy on December 19, 2009 at 11:31 AM

Out of all the types of geeks out there original trilogy Star Wars fans are the worst of the worst, going after any changes made in the subsequent movies while defending to the death any problems with the original movies, namely the first ones. The fact that he calls the final duel in New Hope “Deep and Meaningful” should tell you everything you need to know about these people with their rose-tinted glasses. Virtually every complaint that can be leveled at Phantom Menace can also be targeted at the other movies too. On top of that the whole “Describe the characters” thing was especially idiotic. You can’t describe Obi Wan’s character in Phantom? How was Guinness in IV any better? His performance was abysmal every step of the way, the man almost acted like he was too good to be their the whole way through.

Typhonsentra on December 19, 2009 at 12:48 PM

This video should win Best Film Critique at the Academy awards.

This video should be required watching at every film school.

Conservative Samizdat on December 19, 2009 at 1:19 PM

As a commenter at youtube said, he needs to do this to the Battlestar Galactica remake

Jim708 on December 19, 2009 at 1:34 PM

7/7 no worky,

toliver on December 19, 2009 at 1:38 PM

I just watched all 7 and now only found it funny but damn informative as well about good film making. I always noticed the obvious mistakes the movie had made but it was so horrible I never brought myself to truly dissect the film the way he did.Daemonocracy on December 19, 2009 at 11:19 AM

I loved how he pointed out that the fighter young Anakin climbs into at the end of Phantom Menace, just happened to have a child-sized helmet for him to wear.

PackerBronco on December 19, 2009 at 1:57 PM

Geochelone on December 18, 2009 at 9:36 PM

+++I remeber felling that way after reading that book! I consider it one of the great books of the Boomer generation…

lovingmyUSA on December 19, 2009 at 4:07 PM

Ok–why do I not hit “preview”?? I can spell, really I can…*sigh…

lovingmyUSA on December 19, 2009 at 4:08 PM

It truly was: The best movie review ever.

EVER

Jones Zemkophill on December 19, 2009 at 4:25 PM

The reason why people bring up the Greedo scene so much is because it shows a clear contrast in mindset of the younger George Lucas to the old fart we have today. In the original movie, Han shot Greedo first without warning and killed him. He was a scoundrel, a rogue and acted like one. In The special edition they edited it to where Greedo shot first and Han, now a boyscout, fired back in self defense. It is a clear change in the character of Han Solo and explains a lot about the differences of Lucas of then and now.

Daemonocracy on December 19, 2009 at 11:31 AM

Greedo drew first, then said he was going to kill Solo to collect a bounty from Jabba whether or not Solo paid off Jabba. Han blazing him through the table was wily, resourceful and also self-defense. Lucas’ retake just turned Han into a deadbeat smartass who happened to get the breaks. It also betrayed a moral softening in Lucas that undermined the supposed “tragic” nature of the prequels. Becoming a pawn because you are weak and stupid is not tragic. The failure of pacifism is not tragedy.

Chris_Balsz on December 19, 2009 at 5:02 PM

So you’re an idiot.

It’s not a matter of opinion.

It’s fundamental like the Law of Gravity.

The Prequels were terrible. Period.

Anyone who argues otherwise is the cinematic equivalent of a flat-earther.

PackerBronco on December 19, 2009 at 11:11 AM

I just checked. I still like the prequels. Sorry to hurt your widdle feewings.

fiatboomer on December 19, 2009 at 5:12 PM

Yes, this was pretty funny.. but nowhere near as funny as Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaws video game reviews… Here is a link to his “RARE” mostly favorable review of my favorite game of all time “Crysis”.

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/21-Crysis

RobertCSampson on December 19, 2009 at 7:47 PM

Out of all the types of geeks out there original trilogy Star Wars fans are the worst of the worst, going after any changes made in the subsequent movies while defending to the death any problems with the original movies, namely the first ones. The fact that he calls the final duel in New Hope “Deep and Meaningful” should tell you everything you need to know about these people with their rose-tinted glasses. Virtually every complaint that can be leveled at Phantom Menace can also be targeted at the other movies too. On top of that the whole “Describe the characters” thing was especially idiotic. You can’t describe Obi Wan’s character in Phantom? How was Guinness in IV any better? His performance was abysmal every step of the way, the man almost acted like he was too good to be their the whole way through.

Typhonsentra on December 19, 2009 at 12:48 PM

I’m guessing you didn’t watch this at all. You couldn’t have, because you’d know that it was almost a clinic on one bad movie.

Seriously, it wouldn’t have mattered what movie he chose to review…it could have been any director’s body of work. Well, any director that had inexplicably their ability to make good films and basically destroyed their legacy.

Bad film is bad.

Asher on December 19, 2009 at 8:52 PM

I just checked. I still like the prequels. Sorry to hurt your widdle feewings.

fiatboomer on December 19, 2009 at 5:12 PM

Can’t really condescend to someone after you declare you liked the prequels.

What about them convinced you to come back twice?

Chris_Balsz on December 19, 2009 at 9:56 PM

I have big southwestern motif throw pillows exactly like those in George Lucas’ office.
.
.
.
.
I’m just sayin’.

Dr. Carlo Lombardi on April 5, 2010 at 7:05 PM

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