Video: Summer blockbusters looking dumber, awesomer than ever
posted at 6:40 pm on May 4, 2009 by Allahpundit
To cleanse the palate, the trailers for two of the biggest movies of the year: “Generic Industrial Light & Magic Explosion Flick” and “Megan Fox In Cutoffs With Robots,” respectively. It’s a testament to how incidental the plots are to these FX orgies that the one directed by Michael Bay actually seems to be the more lucid of the two. I don’t know why they bother with plot at all anymore, frankly; they might as well open these movies with battle scenes sans exposition, a la “Saving Private Ryan,” and just let the mayhem roll for two hours. If the audience deduces some sort of plotline along the way, great! If not, hey — you got your money’s worth. Stop complaining.
Fun fact about Megan Fox: She’s a “10″ on the Kade Scale. Kade fans will know what a truly monumental achievement that is. Exit question: Since Hollywood’s evidently intent on turning every cheesy afternoon cartoon from the 1980s into a feature film, when do we get “Voltron: The Movie”?
Blowback
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I’ll be there.
BadgerHawk on May 4, 2009 at 6:42 PM
epic screencap =)
Drunk Report on May 4, 2009 at 6:43 PM
Allah
see the trailer for “District 9?”
looks sick
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 6:44 PM
When do we get ThunderCats??
saltydogg14 on May 4, 2009 at 6:45 PM
When do we get the Smurfs?
CFL on May 4, 2009 at 6:46 PM
Smurfs????
upinak on May 4, 2009 at 6:46 PM
I can’t even summon enough energy to watch the trailers, let alone the actual films.
Bob's Kid on May 4, 2009 at 6:46 PM
get out of my HEAD!
upinak on May 4, 2009 at 6:46 PM
X-Men Origins was fun, i at least enjoyed spending money on a movie for the first time in 6 months
But yeah Transformers, Terminator and District 9 are all on my list, so yeah lots of **** blowing up = good.
And I’m tired of seeing 1980s reruns in the movie theaters, why the heck can’t hollywood come up with something original? Oh that’s right, they aren’t allowed or care to be creative
Defector01 on May 4, 2009 at 6:47 PM
Exit answer: the lion robots or space cars?
artlover on May 4, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Voltron and Thundercats have both been optioned and in early development stages!
“Team America: World Police” already knocked over the Eiffel Tower. Been there done that.
redshirt on May 4, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Transformers looks…AWESOME!
dglenn on May 4, 2009 at 6:49 PM
Exit answer: the lion robots or space cars?
artlover on May 4, 2009 at 6:49 PM
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Asher on May 4, 2009 at 6:50 PM
Baysplosions!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRS90V8BQGo
HockeyTemper on May 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM
the new transformers looks so good
i respect the movie for one simple reason, if not any others
supreme CGI. CGI all too often lately looks fake as fark.
this cgi is phenomenal
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Exit answer: By “Voltron: the Movie” you, of course, mean the one with the lion robots, the only one of the two that actually deserves mentioning.
;)
artlover on May 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM
I’ll go back even further. When do we get a feature length movie called The Banana Splits? ROFL!!
I’m a gal, and straight, but even I can recognize beauty, and sexy in a woman, and you gents are correct. Megan Fox is beautiful!
capejasmine on May 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM
Sorry about the triple post–computer froze.
artlover on May 4, 2009 at 6:53 PM
ernesto on May 4, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Do not tell me that a 1:08 G.I Joe is wearing a Palestinian keffiyeh. I do not remember that being in my G.I Joe’s footlocker as a kid.
tommylotto on May 4, 2009 at 6:54 PM
Dude, we can never get enough Megan Fox.
Behold the awesomeness.
JammieWearingFool on May 4, 2009 at 6:55 PM
I don’t know why people have to get upset about movies not being intellectual enough. Lets face it, most of the “intellectual movies” every year just blow.
The one that doesn’t wins the oscar. The summer is for big explosions.
bingsha on May 4, 2009 at 6:55 PM
Voltron Movie Finally Coming Together With a Smaller Budget
Latest I’ve heard of one, from last year.
modnar on May 4, 2009 at 6:55 PM
How about:
The Wuzzles
Silverhawks
Muppet Babies
Garbage Pail Kids
Fraggle Rock
M.A.S.K.
Duck Tales
Tale Spin
Chip n Dale’s Rescue Rangers
Jem
Danger Mouse
Inhumanoids
She-ra
I can keep going.
CFL on May 4, 2009 at 6:56 PM
Oh yeah. Definitely going to go see Transformers 2. G.I. Joe…meh.
modnar on May 4, 2009 at 6:56 PM
*whistles*!!!!
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 6:57 PM
For those of you from Rio Linda, hit play on the video at that link to Esquire. You won’t be sorry.
Thank me. I’m welcome.
JammieWearingFool on May 4, 2009 at 6:57 PM
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Dr. Manhattan on May 4, 2009 at 6:57 PM
I *should* want to go see the G.I. Joe movie, but they’ve gone against the express wishes of the Marine MoH winner who served as a model for the original G.I. Joe, and turned into an international, rather than American hero.
R.I.P., Colonel Paige. Some of remember, some of us care.
ExUrbanKevin on May 4, 2009 at 6:57 PM
They should do a remake of the 80′s flick Red Dawn where a communist takeover of the US has led to open revolt…oh wait. never mind
elduende on May 4, 2009 at 6:58 PM
I can’t wait to tell my wife about the Transformers movie. It’ll be great, hon, remember the first one. All those cool special effects and cutsey robots. I even got us tickets for Saturday. I love robots!
(How many Hail Mary’s will I have to say for that little snow job?)
Limerick on May 4, 2009 at 6:58 PM
About the G.I. Joe Film. The lead character is played by Channing Tatum, star of anti-war film Stop-Loss. He refused to play the role in G.I. Joe until he saw that it didn’t glorify war but was more science fiction.
amerpundit on May 4, 2009 at 6:58 PM
So let me get this straight: Christopher Eccleston walks away from Dr Who after one season because it wasn’t substantial or challenging enough for him…
…and instead he decides to play Destro in a G.I. Joe movie?
That G.I. Joe movie must have one Hell of a Shakespearean-quality script…
Kensington on May 4, 2009 at 6:58 PM
I’ve seen that movie. It’s called Izo. Two hours of slice and dice. Even for Miike it seemed like overkill.
Tobey Maguire is supposed to be producing a live action Robotech.
rw on May 4, 2009 at 7:00 PM
I’m so there for both of them. Love popcorn-eating mindless summer fun!
dcwvu on May 4, 2009 at 7:00 PM
Ah, but didn’t you know that the Great American Hero has gone global?
Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity
Kind of gross.
Mommypundit on May 4, 2009 at 7:01 PM
Actually, looks like most of the “G.I. Joe” effects are done by Digital Domain. ILM does “Transformers.” They’re much better at it.
The only downside I see to “Transformers II” (well, other than the obvious inanity): No matter how impressive the effects, watching a Nimitz sink makes me sick to my stomach.
Blacklake on May 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM
American Special Forces have been known to wear them, too. Do a Google Image search and you’ll find multiple examples.
amerpundit on May 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM
I couldnt make it through the GI Joe trailer, just looked too stupid.
firepilot on May 4, 2009 at 7:02 PM
I’m kinda scared.
I actually agreed with many of his ratings. Not all though…Paltrow a 9?!? C’mon. She’s a hard 7.
madne0 on May 4, 2009 at 7:03 PM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/tags/gijoe/
watch those
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 7:03 PM
I always thought “Johnny Quest” would have made a sic movie….
Seven Percent Solution on May 4, 2009 at 7:03 PM
Oh, and Beckinsale an 8?!? What are you smoking man?!? She’s a definite 10.
madne0 on May 4, 2009 at 7:04 PM
Anyway, I seriously hope this isn’t the only group to wear the scarf. I routinely wear one…and I’m just a christian mommy. sad.
Mommypundit on May 4, 2009 at 7:04 PM
Isn’t Megan Fox engaged to one of those D-bags from 90201?
KelliD on May 4, 2009 at 7:05 PM
No one ever “wins” the Medal of Honor
Dragoonchris on May 4, 2009 at 7:05 PM
How about an exit question “When will Hollywood turn out a decent flick”? I haven’t seen a really good or original movie in ages.
Knucklehead on May 4, 2009 at 7:05 PM
Screw movies, we’re talking the “Kade Scale” here! I just saw that he has Charlize Theron and Bar Refaeli as 7′s.
The man has lost all his credibility. For shame.
madne0 on May 4, 2009 at 7:05 PM
Heart-ache
You’re right though. Those scarfs are common in the middle east in general, and not b/c of the Palis.
Exit Question: How much does anyone want to bet that George W is the head of Cobra? You know the Hollywood types, they can’t let go.
Lance Murdock on May 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
ROFLMAO!!!
capejasmine on May 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
WHOA!!!!! I LOVE Robotech. They are SOOOO going to screw that anime UP!
upinak on May 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Three words to sum up why you shouldn’t see GI JOE
UN TASK FORCE
No American warfighters here, they’re all international for the UN cause
Defector01 on May 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Fox has such a phenomenal tummy
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Julie and Julia might be good for all the adults out there looking for something to see this summer.
Ghoul aid on May 4, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Agreed, I was pretty disappointed to see that they’re now an international action team. Heck, even the 80′s cartoon said they were a “Real American Hero”, but that was during the time of the “insignificant” Reagan era. We’re not allowed to have “Real American Heros” anymore unless they’re community organizers… Still, Ray Park (Darth Maul) as Snake Eyes will be hard to resist.
Mike in GB on May 4, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Here,pick a show:http://www.70slivekidvid.com/main.htm
hanoverfist on May 4, 2009 at 7:07 PM
It’s already in the works - China invades and a multi-cultural band of wolverines defend the homeland.
rw on May 4, 2009 at 7:07 PM
Thundercats………..HO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
portlandon on May 4, 2009 at 7:08 PM
Well, I saw the preview the other day and I thought it looked kind of interesting.
So much for that….Who would think a guy named ‘Channing’ would be a simpering anti-war freak…
BigWyo on May 4, 2009 at 7:11 PM
I want to see the live action version of Tobor the Eighth Man – he was cool, a robot that smoked cigarettes – and Gigantor…I think Spielberg should do that one
AmericanUnderground on May 4, 2009 at 7:11 PM
Reality movies now?
petunia on May 4, 2009 at 7:11 PM
Any guy that has Kate Beckinsale AND Jessica Alba only as 8′s is a tool.
nickj116 on May 4, 2009 at 7:12 PM
Nice to see some euro monuments fall in the films and not just American ones!
clnurnberg on May 4, 2009 at 7:12 PM
megan fox’s tummy
+
strawberries
+
confectionary sugar
=
Dude
blatantblue on May 4, 2009 at 7:13 PM
And that Kade is a D-bag too. So sayth the expert.
KelliD on May 4, 2009 at 7:13 PM
I thought liberals only made fun of Michael Bay films. Hiding the fact that they real reason why they object to them is their positive portrayal of America, the military, and traditionally defined gender roles behind the convenient “This is just mindless eye candy” excuse. Oh, nevermind, this is an Allahpundit post. He agrees with liberals on Rush, Beck, & Palin, so I shouldn’t be shocked that he takes pot shots at Bay films as well.
Kataklysmic on May 4, 2009 at 7:16 PM
ROFLMAO! TIM—-BER!!!!
Eh, they could make “The Ant” into a movie or a remake of “The incredible Shrinking Man”. Heck start the cycle over. Make Jaws again. Or ” The Birds” or uh… The FLying Nun Meets the Hulk. LOL
johnnyU on May 4, 2009 at 7:16 PM
Thanks for that……..
…….. what about a remake of “Catch-22“?
Seven Percent Solution on May 4, 2009 at 7:19 PM
The new Transformers movie better not use shakey-cam or have the action zoomed up so close that you can’t tell what the hell is going on or what robot you’re looking at.
DethMetalCookieMonst on May 4, 2009 at 7:20 PM
More than agreed. She could kick me square in the face and I would stand there and ask for another.
I would see G.I. Joe in the 3 dollar movie theater. Never would I pay full price for that (it has the lead from Stop Loss in it. And as far as I’m concerned he can just shrivel up and rot). Transformers 2 looks better than the first, if it has more robot fights in it then it will be a winner for me.
Personally, I am looking forward to (or have seen already):
Coraline (saw it already, but now I wait for the DVD)
Transformers 2
Drag me to hell
Up
Terminator Salvation (hoping they mix the Christian Bale freakout into the credits)
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
District 9
Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea
Whiteout
And Star Trek (if nothing else to see how far off the mark they are)
And if I may add to the 80′s cartoons they should (and are) making into a movie…
Robotech. (My inner Otaku both is eager and scared for it) ^_^
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:21 PM
Megan Fox straddling a motorcycle in cutoffs = homina homina hominayo?
Kensington on May 4, 2009 at 7:22 PM
*snicker*
That site is very funny….can’t believe some one hasn’t thumped the fellow that runs it yet.
BigWyo on May 4, 2009 at 7:23 PM
My son is is one of the geeks producing “Ice Age 3” (Blue Sky Animation). Go see it – I think it opens the July 4 weekend. Thanks.
bofh on May 4, 2009 at 7:24 PM
JamieWearingFool at 6:57 PM-
Thanks for the FOXy link.
Ouch!
Seems like a mightly restless lady.
Too many Holywood boys?
(I’m waiting for a live-action version of “Fangface and Fangpuss“.)
profitsbeard on May 4, 2009 at 7:24 PM
I’m sorry, but he’s made some really lame movies (Armageddon?), and they’re always so damn frenetic that I get a headache watching them. Michael Bay needs to learn that it’s okay to have a shot last longer than 1/3 of a second.
Kensington on May 4, 2009 at 7:25 PM
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:21 PM
you left out Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 and Final Destination 4: death trap in 3-D. can’t leave us horror geeks out!
Ghoul aid on May 4, 2009 at 7:27 PM
No… No… No… a remake of Red Dawn would never do.
First of all it has to be the Imperialists Americans who are invading a workers paradise homeland such as North Korea in order to steal their resources and food and leave them starving in concentration camps the size of Los Angeles.
The Hero, ‘Lil Kim’, manages to save the day by inventing Bark Tea, edible clay and saving little helpless puppies, bunnies rabbits, and baby ducks from the treads of the EVVVVVIIILLLL American War Machine.
CrazyFool on May 4, 2009 at 7:28 PM
That was a pretty good trailer, never heard of it surprisingly… MMA guy Bob Sapp (Warren’s brother) & Beat Takeshi (anyone who’s ever seen Spike TV’s “MXC” – he’s “Vic Romano”) in the same film – looks like that’d have potential.
RE: Maguire’s Robotech… Looking as forward to that as Keanu Reeves attempt at Cowboy Bebop & Leo’s Akira… I’m really skeptical of live action anime remakes. Tobey will probably turn Rick Hunter/Hikaru Ichijo into an angsty, emo d-bag that’d put Shinji from Eva to shame…
Mike in GB on May 4, 2009 at 7:30 PM
I don’t get the point of the video, and I don’t care.
BadgerHawk on May 4, 2009 at 7:31 PM
Great. Now AP fancies himself a movie critic too. Well, as long as you accept your critical analysis is worth what we paid for it.
SKYFOX on May 4, 2009 at 7:32 PM
Actually, one of those on your list they already made back in the 1980s — “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.” And yes, from what I understand, it was as bad as it looks.
ScoopPC11 on May 4, 2009 at 7:34 PM
So much good science fiction literature out there and they keep churning out crap sci-fi movies.
lexhamfox on May 4, 2009 at 7:37 PM
I didnt. Drag me to hell looks really scary. Justin Long is in it. That alone keeps me and my PC up.
Now I will give you Halloween 2, But Final Destination I will have to vote no on. I was at a party with a bunch of drunken revelers (I was the only sober one) when the first one came out and I had a nice LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG talk about how death is all just fate and we all have a set point where we die. The girl demonstrated “fate” by taking a deck of cards, shouting a card (I believe it was the 9 of spades) and pulled the card from the deck. This (somehow) proved fate was real, obviously. She then said “see, I got my card. Fate wanted me to have the card. What are the odds!”
I said “1 in 52″. SO, me and the final destination series don’t really hang out much. Lol.
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:43 PM
How many times do we have to go through this… Acid can’t melt steel.
- Alex Jones
afterdarknesslight on May 4, 2009 at 7:43 PM
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:43 PM
but have you seen the highway crash scene in part 2?????? AWESOME!
Ghoul aid on May 4, 2009 at 7:45 PM
I’d just be happy if they did an update to Fritz the Cat.
Maybe a live action Smurfs…Christopher Walken as Gargamel, Smurfette played by Olivia Wilde.
coldwarrior on May 4, 2009 at 7:48 PM
Arthur Kade ftw! F the haters he’s gonna be a superstah!
Patriot33 on May 4, 2009 at 7:53 PM
Yes indeed. Though I rather enjoyed the BBQ ending. The movies are fine when you can fast forward lol. I dunno, they just never seemed that scary to me… I cant buy the idea that death is just waiting for me to to make toast in the bathtub again.
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:55 PM
GI Joe Resolute that came out last week, is much better than the movie looks to be.
Episode 2 and
Episode 8 are my favs.
Iblis on May 4, 2009 at 7:58 PM
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 7:55 PM
ok, i’ll give you that. just don’t tell me you are a fan of the saw films.
Ghoul aid on May 4, 2009 at 7:58 PM
Oh that was just beyond awesome. I am hoping they will roll that into a series.
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 8:00 PM
petunia on May 4, 2009 at 7:11 PM
yeah you’re right no one will be interested in this documentary.
CrazyFool on May 4, 2009 at 7:28 PM
Oh I know how that one ends…of course it turns out that the Evil American War Machine will have “gone rogue” and a new American “Dear Leader” misunderstood at first ultimately comes to power undermines his side until it collapses and the bunny rabbits can run free!!! The End.
elduende on May 4, 2009 at 8:01 PM
Apparently, the upcoming Voltron movie has a decent script.
CarpeFishem on May 4, 2009 at 8:03 PM
Wow. That Transformers clip reminded me so much of my Freshman year at college.
I guess somethings never change.
Kasper Hauser on May 4, 2009 at 8:04 PM
First one, AWESOME. Every one after that… Yeah. Pass.
Gore for gores sake does nothing in way of fear to me. My grandfather was at Utah beach and I watch WW1/2/Korea/Vietnam War docs for fun. So to sit there and watch people get scared/grossed out at Hostel/Saw… Yeah. Not scary.
Gatsu on May 4, 2009 at 8:04 PM
The new X Men movie, Wolverine, was awesome. Worth seeing in the theaters.
The previews for Terminator 4 didn’t impress me. Looks like all action, missing all the drama that was part of the first 3.
Fox is a babe, but, all those tattoo’s are kinda gross.
As far as Ice Age 3, I have to wonder if it is age appropriate to have a scene where a male ox gets “milked” accidentally. Seriously. That was in the preview.
William Teach on May 4, 2009 at 8:04 PM
Hey is that a Bar Code Megan Foxx ribs?
PierreLegrand on May 4, 2009 at 8:05 PM
I’ll see GI Joe – little else this summer appeals aside from Star Trek.
KillerKane on May 4, 2009 at 8:12 PM
G.I.Joe looks bad…. Transformers looks mindless entertainment… not sure I’ll bother with either one
Canadian Imperialist Running Dog on May 4, 2009 at 8:15 PM
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