Video: “Star Wars” through the eyes of someone who hasn’t seen it
posted at 6:45 pm on January 16, 2009 by Allahpundit
Marginally less coherent than “Star Wars” through the eyes of a three-year-old. But still vastly more coherent than “The Phantom Menace.”
Watching this, it occurred to me that I wouldn’t have the easiest time reconstructing the plots of the trilogy either. It’s like drawing a map of the U.S.: You’ve seen it so many times that you’ve long since stopped paying close attention, so all that comes through when you try to recall it is bits and pieces. For instance, the span in “Empire Strikes Back” between the opening snow battle and Han coming face to face with Vader in Cloud City? Total blank. I know Luke hooks up with Yoda at some point and they do their Carlos Castaneda thing in the swamp, but the specifics have long since been digested by the Sarlacc that is my memory.
As for the prequels, all I remember is this. And that’s enough.
Blowback
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It is right up there with the animated version of “Last Exit to Brooklyn”.
RobCon on January 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
Speak for yourself, John. :)
Sounds like your Newcastle is killing the wrong brain cells.
Spirit of 1776 on January 16, 2009 at 6:53 PM
The beauty of Star Wars (and other classics like, say, Casablanca) is the simplicity of its story. It’s a classic tale of good versus evil with some memorable characters and locales, but the main plot points are basically a plot-by-numbers of any similar story ever told. Same with Casablanca – we read that story in screenwriting class and it followed basically every Hollywood screenplay convention in the book. Yet it’s hailed as a classic because it gives us memorable characters, locales, and great dialogue to boot.
The people who made bombastic, over-produced, subplot-laden messes like Spider-Man 3, the last two Matrix movies and the recent Indiana Jones atrocity could really learn a lot from the classics. Sometimes less is truly more. But in this era of CGI excess and the summer blockbuster, that concept is lost on most people making sci-fi movies.
The Bourne movies are an exception.
World B. Free on January 16, 2009 at 6:57 PM
At least you don’t just refer to it as “Jesusland”.
And thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a week.
Snowed In on January 16, 2009 at 7:00 PM
That was great! Very funny…and a little sacrilegious.
Weight of Glory on January 16, 2009 at 7:03 PM
……….. classic!
Seven Percent Solution on January 16, 2009 at 7:04 PM
“Brown Muppets”
cobrakai99 on January 16, 2009 at 7:06 PM
Never tell me the odds…
“Scoundrel”? Scoundrel! I like the sound of that…
Karl on January 16, 2009 at 7:09 PM
I couldn’t even finish whichever one had Jarjar Binx in it. I haven’t seen one since, either.
Wino on January 16, 2009 at 7:11 PM
The brown muppets have to kill the big robots. I love it!
OneGyT on January 16, 2009 at 7:13 PM
Heeey! Phantom Menace was the only one of the prequels I liked (mainly due to Darth Maul and the lack of romance). I wanted to like III but it sucked big time, and even Palpatine vs Yoda couldn’t save it.
Darth Executor on January 16, 2009 at 7:24 PM
CArrie Fisher did five million billion crunches to be able to wear that stupid gold bikini thingy in the Jabba scenes. I’m sure she would have preferred the Elvis-type gold suit.
NahnCee on January 16, 2009 at 7:26 PM
The story splits in two at the point. One thread follows Luke & Yoda. The other is the whole Han-and-Leia-in-the-asteroid thing.
Purple Fury on January 16, 2009 at 7:28 PM
You have all been had. This girl has been coached exactly what to say. The promise of Youtube fame prompts these productions. Anyone who has never seen the films would not remember any of those details, however mixed up. My father has seen all the films, and he couldn’t summarize the trilogy. He couldn’t even tell you the names of any characters.
keep the change on January 16, 2009 at 7:34 PM
That was actually pretty funny, and she wasn’t that far off. Hans Olo? haha
Tony737 on January 16, 2009 at 7:43 PM
Best Star Wars reference in another movie was in “Reign of Fire” where the adults are putting on a Star Wars play for the kids …
“Luke, I am your father!”
Kids: “GASP!”
Tony737 on January 16, 2009 at 7:46 PM
Oh yeah, and Luke does NOT kiss Han! That was in “Brokeback Mountain”!
Tony737 on January 16, 2009 at 7:48 PM
That’s some funny stuff.
iamse7en on January 16, 2009 at 7:48 PM
“I sense a strange disturbance in the Force…”
El Coqui on January 16, 2009 at 8:10 PM
I’ve seen Star Wars a million times.
I need to see it again cause I don’t remember a thing about it.
Kini on January 16, 2009 at 8:11 PM
The series form a small history of special effects. Too bad no one cared about pairing a good story with it instead of telegraphed drivel derived from a thousand B movies.
BL@KBIRD on January 16, 2009 at 8:32 PM
World B. Free on January 16, 2009 at 6:57 PM
I do belive that is the first instance in recorded history of a movie like Casablanca being compared in the same vein as Star Wars as a classic.
And I guess you didn;’t get the memo that the same guy that wrote Star Wars had his hand in the Indiana Jones atrocity “Kingdom of Skulls”? It isn’t so much that George Lucas didn’t hit a chord with his oririginal “Trilogy” – it’s that he fell in love with his own perceived greatness and forgot what makes good movies.
I am so putting that “Noooo” link into some of my own posts in perpetuity. Awesome!
catmman on January 16, 2009 at 8:38 PM
I do not find the prequels to be so bad as “everyone” is saying they are. I agree: Jar-Jar was atrocious, midichlorians are vomit, and Hayden was wooden in the second movie. It’s enough to make the prequels not equal the original trilogy in awesomeness. However, a lot of nitpicks I see are nitpicks just for the sake of having nitpicks. The plot is fine. The acting minus Jar-Jar and (sometimes) Hayden is fine. I’ve enjoyed seeing the films several times now on cable and dvd.
hadsil on January 16, 2009 at 8:43 PM
I remember getting dragged to the theatre by my parents(I was six) to see the original movie.
for Christmas that year I got those certificates from Kenner-remember them-saying that my Star Wars action figures would be showing up in the mail soon.
I was checking every day.
I still have some of the S.W. cards that Topps put out in the 1970′s-early ’80′s.
I’m feeling very old right now.
annoyinglittletwerp on January 16, 2009 at 8:43 PM
I got a laugh – I don’t care if it is real or staged.
HawaiiLwyr on January 16, 2009 at 8:49 PM
You mean, Mannequin Skywalker?
James on January 16, 2009 at 8:52 PM
I heard Christiansen did fine in Shattered Glass. And I know Natalie Portman can act.
So really, the real blame for the poor acting in Star Wars lies squarely on George Lucas.
It’s like if you went to a concert and the sound sucked. It’s easy to blame the band, but sometimes? It’s the sound guy.
apollyonbob on January 16, 2009 at 9:18 PM
What a wonderful smell you’ve discovered.
ZK on January 16, 2009 at 9:30 PM
I dunno, I kept seeing him doing the same thing over and over again in Shattered Glass, too…but as we weren’t supposed to be sympathetic to the character, I assumed that was what they were going for in the first place. To me it seemed like good casting of a bad actor.
James on January 16, 2009 at 9:35 PM
Another person that manages to get the first two movies conflated (on purpose!) is Steve Oedekerk in Thumb Wars:
“Who are you?”
“I am… a… PUPPET!”
“I’m sorry?”
“From beneath the floor… the man does control me, yes!”
“I feel in my spirit that that I am to train under you, so that I too can be a Thumb master.”
“Train you will I? Train you I *will*! YEEEEESSSSSSS… Step one: Touch your tongue to mine.”
NOOOOOOOOOOO! :-D That link is hilarious!
So certain are you? Strong with the force you must be…
FIFY :) Yes, FWIW I agree – it’s usually the *lines* of the prequels’ characters that are so bad. So many opportunities missed for real levity, natural dialogue, or genuine chemistry between the players.
AP, what’s w/the amnesia? Can’t believe the memory’s completely gone: there was the “squishy” asteroid scene, space junk, the Hyperdrive busted, Vader chewing through senior officers like candy, C-3PO getting ripped to pieces in Cloud City, “refreshments” with Vader, the whole Yoda/Luke lifting-the-rocks thing, … ;)
RD on January 16, 2009 at 9:42 PM
I’m not sure that’s true. I’ve never watched Top Gun, but I’ve been in the building while other people were watching it, 3-4 times. I think I could give a summary that’d hit most of the major plot points.
Tanya on January 16, 2009 at 9:44 PM
Roger Ebert wrote that The Wizard of Oz, 2001: A Space Odyssey and Star Wars were the three most likely to be remembered in a few hundred years because they are great cinematic myths. I’d agree. Some of the references in Casablanca are a little dated even now though I personally prefer it over the others.
aengus on January 16, 2009 at 9:44 PM
Mmmm. Cloudy is my memory. Must watch episodes 1-6 tomorrow. Then, and only then, remember will I.
thekingtut on January 16, 2009 at 10:02 PM
Hey! Episode 1 had Darth Maul. Episode 2 had Thousands and thousands of Jangos. And episode 3 had Obi Wan slicing and dicing Darth Vader.
thekingtut on January 16, 2009 at 10:06 PM
This is posted for what reason?
Dollayo on January 16, 2009 at 10:14 PM
Yeah, who do they think they are, what with charging subscription fees and hijacking people’s home pages to set them to this post and all that?
James on January 16, 2009 at 10:34 PM
I went to Return of the Jedi drunk during its initial run and I have never sat through it since. What the hell happened?
Mr. Joe on January 16, 2009 at 10:35 PM
NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
DaveC on January 16, 2009 at 10:54 PM
One of the more creative ways to make that point I’ve seen. Well done Sir. LOL
inviolet on January 16, 2009 at 11:21 PM
It all comes from Joseph Cambell’s “Hero with a Thousand Faces” about hero archetypes in human literature. We have been telling the same stories over and over again for 5000 years.
Squid Shark on January 17, 2009 at 12:03 AM
Youth today. They don’t know the Star Wars saga and they don’t know about the consequences of the Russian Revolution of 1917. Makes me weep for the future.
long_cat on January 17, 2009 at 12:26 AM
Tragically, back in 80, before Episode 5 was released, they re-released Episode 4 in the theaters, I saw it 17 times in a couple of weeks (hey $1.50 a throw and I couldn’t drive yet).
Saw Episode 5 opening night (Family friend was a DeeJay at a local station – score!). And Episode 6 the second day of release.
Can’t stand the re-mastered works…
Do, or do not. There is no try.
juanito on January 17, 2009 at 12:30 AM
“The Bar Planet”
I’ve been there.
Fallen Sparrow on January 17, 2009 at 1:43 AM
NOTHING excuses Jarjar Binx.
Absolutely nothing.
Wino on January 17, 2009 at 3:39 AM
I didn’t say they don’t have a right to post anything they damn well please, they certainly do. It’s not up to me what bloggers blog about. I enjoy reading this blog because I find most of the subjects interesting and the opinions thoughtful. Maybe I can’t relate to a post like this because I don’t have 13yr old daughters. I found it more strange than funny and don’t think it is one of AP’s best selections. I can only try to offer respectful feedback as just one reader of this blog and nothing more. I suspect you might have projected more into the meaning of my simple post than was intended
Dollayo on January 17, 2009 at 5:05 AM
And five million billion times hotter than Portman ..
Benjamin9 on January 17, 2009 at 5:49 AM
All I know is, don’t talk back to Darth Vader. He’ll getcha.
Kevin M on January 17, 2009 at 7:23 AM
If you like the Noooooo link, there’s this dedicated website that’s been around for a while.
R.I.P. R.M.
Nethicus on January 17, 2009 at 10:13 AM
I’d like to see one, just one, movie where there is no scene of the hero/heroine walking slowly towards the camera and then a devastating explosion happening in the background.
CGI is necessary to today’s movies because good writing and acting talent is in very short supply. And without the “F” word, there’d be no movie dialogue.
abcurtis on January 17, 2009 at 10:18 AM
Meesa tink girly ees stuupid. /JarJar
Black Adam on January 17, 2009 at 11:02 AM
The fact that she says under Darth Vader’s mask is “a big crusty white guy” makes me slightly suspicious that this isn’t entirely legit… In the beginning of the Kevin Smith movie Chasing Amy, the militant black guy refers to Vader as “a feeble, crusty old white man.”
thousandfold on January 17, 2009 at 12:06 PM