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Flying thumbs down: Andromeda Strain implodes

posted at 7:07 am on May 28, 2008 by Ed Morrissey
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Yesterday, I wrote that the first half of the remake of The Andromeda Strain provided a fun ride if one didn’t mind the story getting dumbed down into a Lifetime Channel set of characters and the addition of several hysterically paranoid subplots. It at least beat the pacing of the original, even if it lacked the tautness of the science and the first movie’s realism. I described it as a loss of 30 IQ points. Well, if that was the case, then the finale dropped the IQ level to barely sentient in an implosion not seen since Hollow Man.

Note: Spoiler alert. You may want to stop reading if you’ve recorded the show for later viewing — or you might thank me for explaining why you should burn your TiVo in case TAS’ stupidity might infect all of your recordings.

At the end of the first episode, the political correctness had pretty much run amuck, or so we thought. In the finale, we got even more than I thought could be crammed into a four-hour show. A crisis over “vent mining” on the ocean floor turns into a terrorist crisis, but that’s not the end of that subplot. Two of the doctors fall in love when they’re supposed to be saving the world. The one military doctor turns out to be gay, and since he’s the key man, it gives him an opportunity to say, “It’s ironic. The one person the military most fears turns out to be the one they trust to save the day.” Even those of us who think don’t-ask-don’t-tell is hypocritical rolled their eyes at that development, which had nothing to do with anything else in the movie.

But that’s just the beginning of the stupidity. It turns out that Andromeda is a messenger from the nearby wormhole. The message? “Don’t mess with vent mining”. The entire infection comes from our future, where vent mining apparently turned out worse than what the hysterics fantasize about pumping oil out of ANWR. Humanity send Andromeda and its packing material back to the past as a message, based in binary code hidden deep within the molecular structure, to tell us to leave Mother Earth alone.

Of course, no one bothers to ask why Future Earth does this in a way that would kill every living organism on Past Earth. No one in the script conference that created this bothered to ask why Future Earth wouldn’t just send a metal plate through the wormhole that said, “HEY! STOP VENT MINING! LOVE, YOUR GRANDCHILDREN”. Wouldn’t that have been more effective and a lot less likely to, say, kill all of Future Earth’s ancestors? Maybe we could send a message back that said, “HEY! WE’LL STOP VENT MINING WHEN YOU QUIT PLAYING WITH KILLER ORGANISMS! LOVE, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA”. We can send that with some influenza as payback.

The ending provides the biggest unintentional laughs. The military doctor has been designated the key man, the one who has to stop the self-destruct sequence of the laboratory that will provide unimaginable power to Andromeda for mutations. Unlike in the novel, he dies when he falls in the tunnel into a pool of water used by the nuclear reactor, just as he hands off the key that will stop the sequence to the project leader. Unfortunately, the key sequence requires the military doctor’s thumb for identification, which leads another doctor to do a Mr. Spock (Wrath of Khan) and go into the water to cut off the thumb. He then throws the thumb straight up for two stories to the project leader who’s hanging on the side of the wall, complete with a close-up, slo-mo sequence of the thumb tumbling towards the hero as the self-sacrificing doctor dies in a pool of water that wouldn’t be radioactive anyway.

It provides a perfect analogy to the entire movie. The only way this mess should get a thumbs-up is if a reviewer cut one off in protest and threw it in the air. The rest of the ending is fairly anticlimactic, with a few assorted assassinations as everyone starts covering up the government’s role in the affair. Everyone’s loved ones suddenly finds themselves free of the personal problems that plagued them. The President declares that he’ll continue vent mining despite the strongly-worded memo from the future, which makes sense; I’d try to kill Future Earth too, after a stunt like Andromeda.

What a shame. It could have been interesting; instead, it gives a peek into the mind of the politically-correct paranoids who produced this dreck.

Blowback

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It could have been interesting; instead, it gives a peek into the mind of the politically-correct paranoids who produced this dreck.

Spot on. I did end up watching it, as it was replayed all hours of the night. And yeah, it was horrible.

JetBoy on May 28, 2008 at 7:15 AM

If I remember well, I liked the original movie.

Usually remakes are not as good especially when they add sex, boredom or connect it to contemporary events.

If I want sex, I’d surf the net, have a pay-per-view or make a phone call.

If I want boredom, I have “Lifetime.”

If I want contemporary events, I have George W. Bush to blame.

So what’s new?

Indy Conservative on May 28, 2008 at 7:17 AM

I listened to Chrichton speak on global warming etc and I get the feeling that a lot of this political crap is not exactly his idea. State of fear and all that.

Terrye on May 28, 2008 at 7:22 AM

The one military doctor turns out to be gay, and since he’s the key man, it gives him an opportunity to say, “It’s ironic. The one person the military most fears turns out to be the one they trust to save the day.”

Is it the “Will” from “Will and Grace” guy? My wife had it on and I saw he was in it and laughed before changing the channel.

Dash on May 28, 2008 at 7:27 AM

Like I said earlier, I absolutely abhor it when they take an original concept that worked (the book), then another original concept that actually magnified the first (the original film), and then turn it into a garbage-ladened mess that winds up imploding on itself. In other words, I HATE REMAKES!

The original film version of the Andromeda Strain was on cable last night. I would rather watch it 100 more times than give even 2 minutes of my time to the dreck that showed up on A&E for two nights.

pilamaye on May 28, 2008 at 7:28 AM

Sounds to me like the writers’ thumbs have been in inappropriate places…

Thanks to your first post on the subject I was spared messing with the entire thing, in fact, I’d rather sit on my thumbs than watch such tripe.

Thanks for taking one for the crew, Cap’n!

Maquis on May 28, 2008 at 7:41 AM

I’ve read the book and seen the original movie. What you are describing is a completely different story. Where the heck did ‘vent mining’ come in to the picture? Wormholes? Terrorists?

Pallet Cleanser

Skip ahead about 8 minutes if you just want to see the movie and don’t care about the trivia. This particular host also did ‘Them!’ and ‘Forbidden Planet’.

Asher on May 28, 2008 at 7:42 AM

Yeah it went downhill fast. I had thought that andromeda was sent back by eco-terrorists, maybe the same group that seized the mining platform kind of like a “Twelve Monkeys” plot. I thought for sure that the logo hidden in the message would be the same one used by the eco-terrorist. I also figured that the future eco-terrorists didn’t know that andromeda would mutate to kill everything. You have to remember that it started out just killing humans so maybe it was only expected to kill humans. The biggest problem I had was the huge time paradox. The symbol and number in the message was the one used on the stored sample in the space station. If future people sent it back then why send a message of how it would be labeled in the near future. Unless the message was not intended for present day people to decoded but was just a future version of an inventory tag. Even so there is a paradox in sending back something from the past that was invented in the future unless the future that sent it back wasn’t same future that invents it. Oh no! My head is going to explode…….
I agree that the service tunnel bit wasn’t as good as the book or other movie and that there was just too blatant a nod to The X-Files with deep government conspirators complete with a cigarette smoking man or a least nicotine gum chewing one.
I also had a BIG problem with the reporter living at the end. It was again a blatant attempt to depict how powerful and untouchable reporters are. If they were willing to blow up helicopters and assassinate the higher ups they sure as heck would have killed off that reporter. I also have a problem with the Wild Fire project head being so rebellious about the whole thing and just don’t think he would have been that way or that stupid.

All in all it could have been so much better and wasn’t nearly as good as the first movie.

jmarcure on May 28, 2008 at 7:42 AM

I am so glad I didn’t waste my time. Nothing tops the book in the first place and it would have been really good just to stay true to it.

Can’t anyone make a movie or show without having to resort to stupidity?

That’s rhetorical, of course.

drjohn on May 28, 2008 at 7:48 AM

Well, here’s my thoughts on the second part typed as I watched it live:

First off the CGI in this show is awful, no better than the cheap SciFi Saturday night movies they show. When Andromeda attacked the fighter jet with the nuke, it ate away at just the interface surfaces and the facemask and visor of the helmet, but it leaves the air hose for some reason perfectly remains intact and is clearly bad CGI as it whips around the cockpit like a crazy snake. It’s also funny how the nuke it was carrying somehow magically fell off the F-16 and detotnated.

Wow, not even 15min into the second part, and there’s already another cheap shot at Bush regarding the “warrentless wiretaps”. And at the 20min mark a ziptied man is able to escape from a flying helicopter by spraying a fire extinguisher and knocking a soldier out by hitting him in the helmet by it. I’ve seen video of soldiers being whacked in the helmet by wood boards and even bullets, and they didn’t get knocked out, not to mention the rest of the guys must of been blind as a bat as they couldn’t hit him.

30min in we have another cheap shot, this one at the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy as it’s revealed that the odd-man is gay. This is probably the most obvious proof of how much they’re going out of their way to intentionally bash the military and ruin a good book, as this had ZERO effect on the outcome.

Oy! Andromeda is alive, self-aware, and when split up, it’s able to communicate with its other parts allowing it to mutate and adapt and evolve. And spread! And spread some more!

UGH!! ANDROMEDA IS FROM THE FUTURE!! It’s been artificial created from the future, and its cellular make up, spells out in Binary ASCII code, “Bateria from hell” and traveled through time through the wormhole. Sounds like some Star Trek episode is missing its plot!

A cheapshot on ANWR by saying that the drilling for resources (In this case mining at the bottom of the ocean) kills things without us even giving it a second thought. This is done in reference to the cure to Andromeda being primordial ooze bacteria at the bottom the sea, near the vents they want to mine. SAVE THE OOZE!!

Ok, contamination of the Wildfire facility isn’t as scary as the movie, especially the part where the asian dude has the seizure. Claxons and strobe lights are going off like a rave party, which causes the guy to go into a seizure. Sadly, it’s quite laughable as it appears he’s ballroom dancing as he stumbles around the room before crashing into the computer, which conveniently kills the only self-destruct switch on the entire level. But suddenly with all the lights going, the seizure dude is fine after a quick treatment.

Lame reporter on the run! He’s managed to blow up a Huey, dodge a hail of bullets, elude trackers, and ignite the gas tank of a jeep just right so that it swings to the left to crush an unsuspecting pursuer into a wall. So bogus!

Ok, so the odd man is kill by climbing on up through the nuclear coolant shaft where at the bottom conveniently is an open pool of water contaminated with radiation. So, the asian dude hops in the water to cut off the odd man’s thumb, which he then throws up to the top of the shaft with ease, but then he quickly dies in the pool. There’s no internal security measures or anything. LAME.

And of course the government evil deed exposing scientist conveniently is the one who seems to make it unscathed, catches the thumb at the top of the shaft, manages to disable the self destruct exactly on the 7.00 mark. There is zero sense of urgency or any kind of tension in the race to turn off the self-destruct. It seemed like I was watching some contestants on a game show trying to win some money.

Wow. . .the elimination of Andromeda. . .so anti-climatic. You’re like oh, that seems a little too simple as all they did was fly around in helicopters spraying the Andromeda killing bacteria. And the cocaine addict reporter manages to outlive the entire US Army in the region. Someone please tell me what was the point of having the reporter subplot to begin with? It was clearly just like the revelation of the odd man being gay – useless and contrived.

And of course the evil military and government manages to keep a sample of Andromeda, and store it on the international space station amongst other stuff, all the while it’s able to “tie up loose ends” by assassinating all of the military brass that some idea what’s going on. But there’s no explanation who really created it, where did it come from besides the “from the wormhole” answer, and where did the wormhole come from.

Definitely not really worth your time!

So, all in all, I recommend that you skip this awful remake and see the 1971 movie of the same name, because that at least had tension, and palpable danger, not to mention a believable plot.

ViperPilot on May 28, 2008 at 7:49 AM

No mention of the paradox?

Andromeda comes back from the future, but Future Andromeda wouldn’t have existed at all without the sample of Past Andromeda they kept from Future Andromeda and put in orbit in the space station…and just to make it blindingly obvious, they coded the cold storage location number in front of the bacteria name in the binary part.

In other words, Andromeda had no origin.

Hey, while we’re at it, let’s say that the idiot who sent Andromeda back winds up killing his grandparents and not ever existing, and that’s the only way they can save the future from an idiot who will send Andromeda back to kill his grandparents. Whee!

How about we do another remake of The Andromeda Strain and have it be about a virus that makes people constipated and have prolapses on the toilet from pushing too hard? Because this one was more like The Andromeda Stretch.

James on May 28, 2008 at 7:49 AM

jmarcure on May 28, 2008 at 7:42 AM

Heh…beat me by that much.

James on May 28, 2008 at 7:53 AM

No mention of the paradox?

Hey, while we’re at it, let’s say that the idiot who sent Andromeda back winds up killing his grandparents and not ever existing, and that’s the only way they can save the future from an idiot who will send Andromeda back to kill his grandparents. Whee!

James on May 28, 2008 at 7:49 AM

First one is a paradox but this one isn’t. Going back in time to kill your grandparents wouldn’t do anything to you since you’re now in a different timeline. Back to the future explained it nicely (then ****ed it up by contradicting their own explanation)

Darth Executor on May 28, 2008 at 8:20 AM

“Pull my thumb. No ,really, just pull my thumb.”

bbz123 on May 28, 2008 at 8:21 AM

Yeah, the ‘Hero’ reporter…I was waiting the whole show for him to get it.

I also like the line he had when he was being interrogated..’Hey, I’m not some poor kid from the Middle East with an expired visa…I’m an American citizen!!’ And didn’t the 2 guys chasing him look more closer to something like Blackwater contractors than regular military???

GhaaaHHH!!!

BigWyo on May 28, 2008 at 8:32 AM

Thanks for the Update. After I lost my 30 IQ points from watching the fist installment I didn’t remember that part II was on last night. Guess I didn’t miss anything.

Bicyea on May 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM

What a shame…I really liked the book.

WisCon on May 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM

So the overriding message is?
My take was not to exploit Gaia to line your pockets. Using presidential power to line your buddies pockets with ill gotten oil profits or ill gotten mining profits it’s just plain wrong. It’s righteous to give your life for the really important things like saving mother Gaia from evil profiteers. Reporters are real heroes that kick ass, are indestructible and untouchable even by super powerful secret organizations. Whistle blowers are the check and balance for out of control governments. Nearly as powerful as reports they are able to infiltrate secret government installations and expose them for what they truly are. Which was what? Wasn’t it a top secret installation to fight bio-terrorism? Wow, how insidious, how horrible and I’m sure almost as bad as Gitmo. Thankfully we have people like him that are willing to scarf ice their beliefs to be one of the main designers of a anti-terrorist facility and then risk his career to blow the lid off it. Most importantly is that even though the government is powerful enough to kill people and have super secret storage on space stations they are no match for the MSM and whistle blowers. Oh and gay people are willing to give their lives to save the world.

jmarcure on May 28, 2008 at 8:37 AM

It would sound odd if I said, “Please review more crappy TV shows, Ed”, but there’s a point to be made.

One of the down sides of any medium is if you want to be taken seriously, you have to be serious pretty much 100% of the time. Once you start cracking a few jokes here and there, the readers start anticipating the next one, and the serious tone you’re trying to convey is lost.

As occasionally creeps forth in the radio shows, Ed is actually a very funny and witty guy, but he rarely gets the chance to strut his stuff here. So if it takes a crappy TV movie to elicit the sparking humor exhibited up above, then I’m all for it.

“We can send that with some influenza as payback.”

Great stuff, Ed.

Any Michael Crichton fans out there might enjoy this page.

Dr. Mercury on May 28, 2008 at 8:37 AM

The whole of the movie and TV business is stunting, ingrown, it is all turning into reality TV, where idiots seek their fifteen minutes. There is scant little worth watching, much less paying for, any more.

tarpon on May 28, 2008 at 8:44 AM

Darth Executor on May 28, 2008 at 8:20 AM

I see you prefer Futurama’s ‘Fry is his own grandfather’ explanation.

James on May 28, 2008 at 8:56 AM

I listened to Chrichton speak on global warming etc and I get the feeling that a lot of this political crap is not exactly his idea. State of fear and all that.

Terrye on May 28, 2008 at 7:22 AM

Michael Crichton thinks Global Warming is a steaming pile of Gore. He said he hopes these players are around in 20 years so the entire world can make fun of them (He didn’t say exactly that, but close).

EJDolbow on May 28, 2008 at 8:59 AM

The original Michael Crichton book was a great read. The movie made a few changes, but kept to the story line better than most movies made from novels. I enjoyed the original movie in part because it really was much better than most film from book projects.

This remake is the usual Hollyweird treatment: Wretched politically correct excess piled on wretchedly politically correct excess, wholesale revision or replacement of the story with new material and characters not in the book, and endless, heavy-handed moralizing. The acting is poor, and the characters are not credible. It is, in a word, junk.

My rating for the new movie: Three rotten tomatoes. Save your time and patience, and read the book. Crichton did a better job. If you prefer your recreation on the screen instead of the page, get hold of the original film. I enjoyed the period pieces. The technology has changed, so that the original communication problem caused by the torn teletype paper may seem quaint by today’s viewers,but it reflects the careful attention to the mundane aspects of mid-20th century technology the author gave to his writing. That kind of care was nowhere to be seen in the recent film.

Orson Buggeigh on May 28, 2008 at 9:01 AM

All that was missing from the plot was building a Time Machine made out of used Edsel bumpers and powered by corn flakes.

Hey Ed, there’s a bright future for you over at the E! Network.

Hilarious review, and spot on.

fogw on May 28, 2008 at 9:02 AM

He then throws the thumb straight up for two stories to the project leader who’s hanging on the side of the wall, complete with a close-up, slo-mo sequence of the thumb tumbling towards the hero…

_
_
Hahaha!
_
A little nukeophobia mixed in, eh?

I couldn’t take the show seriously after the point in the first segment where they explained that:

a) there was a reactor beneath the facility, and

b) there was a nuclear self-destruct device as well.

I am willing to suspend disbelief while watching the boob tube but that just went too far.

SlimyBill on May 28, 2008 at 9:06 AM

So, although I did catch the last hour and a half of part one, missing part two (and not taping it) to catch “Iron Man” with my brother and nephew at cheap night at the movies was a pretty good idea then?

Canadian Infidel on May 28, 2008 at 9:34 AM

Did anyone notice the credit to Crichton? It gave an initial (I or J?) before the Michael Crichton. I didn’t know that MC had an unused first name; he certainly doesn’t use it. It made me think that it was a sort of giving the bird to the man and might have marked the lack of cooperation between the producers and Crichton. FWIW.

thegreatbeast on May 28, 2008 at 9:45 AM

My wife is really into sci-fi (eat your hearts out nerds), so I watched it and did alot of eye-rolling.

It’s the same story with Dr. Who now too – “The aliens are attacking London! Let’s call the UN and have a gay make-out scene while we wait for them to tell us what to do…”

The Stargate series are good – kill death-cultists – good guys win.

forest on May 28, 2008 at 9:49 AM

it was a hack piece from the get go:

president is a trusting, but mislead good ol’ boy = bush
dirty, evil, murdering security chief = cheney
vent mining = Iraq, ANWAR, SUVs, obesity, etc.
andromeda = harshly necessary war, environment, whatever protest

it all seemed like a liberal ‘24′.

wonder what michael crichton feels about all of this?
imaginative, but misguided?

jimmer on May 28, 2008 at 10:09 AM

Great review, Ed. I knew it was going to suck, but I watched it anyway. Why do I do these things?

Bugler on May 28, 2008 at 10:10 AM

Alternate ending. Doctor makes it to the panel. Computer asks for right thumb. Doctor realizes they cut off the left one. End of story.

maintenanceman on May 28, 2008 at 10:19 AM

Thanks Ed, for the heads up, it’s not something I’d watch, but now I can tell my husband to keep on clicking if he stops on it.

4shoes on May 28, 2008 at 10:22 AM

and all of this for A & E to introduce their new logo, new season and new marketing initiative (new tag line). too bad.

jimmer on May 28, 2008 at 10:23 AM

Excellent… one thing i thionk you forgot to mention… they make the New York Slimes (or is it CBS?) journo out to be the real cool cat hero…

max1 on May 28, 2008 at 10:30 AM

Plan 8 From A&E?

ttevolla on May 28, 2008 at 10:38 AM

“Hey Moe, that movie really sucked last night. It just plain sucked. I’ve seen movies that sucked before, but this was the suckiest pices of suck that ever sucked!”

Homer Simpson

catmman on May 28, 2008 at 11:06 AM

I couldn’t take the show seriously after the point in the first segment where they explained that:

a) there was a reactor beneath the facility, and

b) there was a nuclear self-destruct device as well.

Um, I’d like to point out that nuclear generators DON’T EFFIN’ EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!

N. O'Brain on May 28, 2008 at 11:09 AM

What a shame. It could have been interesting; instead, it gives a peek into the mind of the politically-correct paranoids who produced this dreck.

Don’t ask. Don’t tell.

csdeven on May 28, 2008 at 11:12 AM

Um, I’d like to point out that nuclear generators DON’T EFFIN’ EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!

N. O’Brain on May 28, 2008 at 11:09 AM

Still, I laugh at the idea of discovering that Andromeda thrives on radiation and blithely continuing to research it right on top of a nuclear reactor.

James on May 28, 2008 at 11:17 AM

Doctor realizes they cut off the left one. End of story.

So I’m not the only one that same ending?
The wife thought it wasn’t bad but we both thought it would have been better if it was done as entertainment than as a political hack piece.
It makes me realize that the more they throw stuff like this in my face the less irritated I get with it, and the more bored I become.

CBarker on May 28, 2008 at 11:28 AM

I’m glad I missed it. It seems that increasingly the programming on A&E is neither art nor entertainment. Maybe they should just officially re-tag it “The Santitized ‘Sopranos’ Re-Run Channel” and be done with it.

Blacklake on May 28, 2008 at 11:37 AM

What, exactly, did you expect from the Lifetime Channel?

29Victor on May 28, 2008 at 11:57 AM

What about the huge plot hole at the end? What’s-her-name is locked in with a sample of Andromeda – then, we see her, all healthy-like, at the funeral. And no one wonders how or when the sample was spirited away? C’mon! I had high hopes for the remake, but the political overtones made me grit my teeth.

The NY Times doesn’t much like it, although their review shrugs off the anti-government blasts that permeate it.

So – what does Michael Crichton think of it? Anyone know?

Paul_in_NJ on May 28, 2008 at 12:01 PM

I just set my DVR to record the original movie, which is scheduled on 1 June and 5 June on Encore Mystery channel. I need to watch it to cleanse my brain of the hack-job.

Why would they not build stairs into that maintenance shaft?!?!

Omigod….hours of my life I’ll never get back…and now I have to hear my kids yelling “Throw the thumb!!!”

mjtyson on May 28, 2008 at 1:19 PM

Am I the only one straining my brain trying to remember if they filmed the ex-Chinese bioweapons scientist cutting off the correct thumb of gay military scientist’s dead body, also wondering why the gay military scientist didn’t remember the little problem of required thumbprint when he handed off his badge to the lead scientist before being bonked on the head and falling. (Hey wait….How did bioweapon scientist recover so quickly from his emergency strobe light induced migrain that caused him to trip and crash the ill-placed cart into the only security panel on the floor that could be used to stop the self-destruct sequence, making the trip into the maintenance shaft necessary in the first place? Darn, this put the whole plot into question in my mind.)

AverageJoe on May 28, 2008 at 2:01 PM

OMG, it sounds as bad as all those antiwar movies that didn’t make any money. I recorded all four hours last night, and now I’m not gonna watch it.

Al in St. Lou on May 28, 2008 at 2:17 PM

Maybe I’m just not up to the intellectual level that Andromeda strain required of its viewers, but I couldn’t fiqure out what the cover-up, especially in the beginning, was about. What was there to cover up? What was operation scoop anyways? Was it the operation to pick up an object that was sent through the worm hole? It just doesn’t sound like an operation that would require killing anyone with any knowledge of the satellite…. Surely a worm hole would be observed by other people all around the world… to include the satellite.

I can see a cover up for those who had anything to do with this movie. I predict a spate of suicides and “accidental” deaths among the crew and creators of this tragedy.

mjtyson on May 28, 2008 at 3:06 PM

I decided to watch, instead, the back to back History Channels, man is bad for causing drought through global warming, man is bad for causing global flooding, by…I dunno.. too much rain? It doesn’t make sense but I’m pretty sure, man is evil and we aren’t entitled to use any resources on the planet.

2Tru2Tru on May 28, 2008 at 5:34 PM

I like disaster movies, but I learned my lesson with “Day After Tomorrow”. Nowadays disasters are the fault of Bush/Republicans/Conservatives/White Men etc., and only the Liberals can save the day or clean up the mess.

Where’s Irwin Allen when you need him?

hadsil on May 28, 2008 at 6:51 PM

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