The obligatory “new Indiana Jones movie panned at AICN” post
posted at 4:08 pm on May 8, 2008 by Allahpundit
Irresistibly linkworthy given my post last night about how reektastic the trailer is. As bad as that was, though, I never seriously thought the movie itself would disappoint. How do you make a “bad” Indiana Jones film, after all? You’ve got Ford, you’ve got Spielberg, you’ve got the formula, you’ve got the music — just connect the dots and you’re golden. Even “Temple of Doom,” the worst of the three Indies, was solid. And yet:
In short, this is the Indiana Movie that you were dreading. I remember seeing the two trailers and though I was excited to see the old man in action again, I was kind of worried that they seemed to be missing ‘something’. That something was tension. During the whole of the movie, there was not a single moment that I thought our hero Mr. Jones (actually Colonel Jones as he was a hero in WWII now) was in any sort of peril or even significant inconvenience. In most cases, you were so many steps ahead of the characters that it was really just an arduous wait for them to get through it…
And then we go with the actual acting and characters. Well, everyone will be pleased to hear that LeBeef was horrible.
That’s as much as I can quote without dipping into spoilers. Exit question one: Shia LaBoeuf — the Jar Jar Binks of the Indy series? Stay tuned! Exit question two: Which cherished film series associated with George Lucas will be next to be run into the ground? Maybe we can hook him up with “Star Trek” and let him destroy that. Exit question three: Switching gears slightly, is everyone else as excited for the completely agenda-less documentary realism of Oliver Stone’s Dubya biopic? Sample quotation: “This is my personal sacrifice to show support for our troops.”
Blowback
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Insurrection and that last one already accomplished that. Picard had to battle himself? Come on.
lorien1973 on May 8, 2008 at 4:11 PM
Man….. I was looking forward to that one too….
Well, I’ll just go see Iron Man again.
Mortis on May 8, 2008 at 4:14 PM
Ok, first of all, what does “panned” mean?
Tony737 on May 8, 2008 at 4:16 PM
Mortis, how was Iron Man?
Tony737 on May 8, 2008 at 4:16 PM
As I asked in the headline comments, does this actually surprise anyone? Has Lucas done anything in the last 20 years that wasn’t spectacularly lame? I have tended to think Spielberg is a genius, but he must have known that Lucas is the kiss of death, so why’d he include Lucas in this? For old-time’s sake? Is this the Hollywood equivalent of affirmative action?
Splashman on May 8, 2008 at 4:17 PM
Panned = “trashed”
Splashman on May 8, 2008 at 4:19 PM
Any way we can get Hollywood to just STFU? Movies have gotten worse than television.
NeighborhoodCatLady on May 8, 2008 at 4:19 PM
Star Trek was already destroyed in Nemesis (what Prime Directive? Let’s shoot at non-warp capable intelligent species while we tool around on our dune buggies anyway!)
I think you’d have to let him write the screenplay (esp. dialogue) for The Hobbit to really ruin something. “Who added this love scene with Fiona Smallbottom?”
BILBO: Yer cute for a short hobbit.
FIONA:
BILBO: What have I got in my pocket?
shirgall on May 8, 2008 at 4:19 PM
Most television. BSG is still gold.
Slublog on May 8, 2008 at 4:20 PM
Everyone take a deep breath and calm down.
It’s one freakin’ review from somebody at AICN.
Perspective, people…keep perspective.
Et tu Brute on May 8, 2008 at 4:24 PM
How do you make a “bad” Indiana Jones film, after all? You’ve got Ford, you’ve got *Spielberg*, you’ve got the formula, you’ve got the music …
You answered your own question.
Imagine if Speils and Locust did 300! Instead of “Return with your shield, or on it.” You’d be stuck with “Take your shield, but leave your spear and sword with me.” Instead of “I brought more soldiers than you.” It’d be “I brought more negotiators than you.” Instead of “Then we shall fight in the shade.” It would’ve been “We’ve brought umbrellas.”
Tony737 on May 8, 2008 at 4:24 PM
Panned = “trashed”
Thank you Splash
Tony737 on May 8, 2008 at 4:25 PM
> “We’ve brought umbrellas.”
Leonidas shot first!
shirgall on May 8, 2008 at 4:27 PM
Priceless.
Vizzini on May 8, 2008 at 4:27 PM
I don’t care what anyone says. I’m STILL going to see it.
Guardian on May 8, 2008 at 4:28 PM
Instead of “Pile those Persians higher!” it would be: “This outfit, like your directing, is really starting to chafe”.
Et tu Brute on May 8, 2008 at 4:29 PM
Why don’t you post Harry’s diatribe on the Bush movie…
Or better yet… support a conservative film review site:
Libertas
Skywise on May 8, 2008 at 4:30 PM
Oh well, there’s always Dark Knight and Hell Boy.
Vote Sauron 08 on May 8, 2008 at 4:42 PM
This movie makes ‘King Solomon’s Mines’ look good.
Bill Brasky on May 8, 2008 at 4:45 PM
i’m sure kids won’t care and why an adult would, I don’t know.
mymanpotsandpans on May 8, 2008 at 4:50 PM
But BSG is in its last season… Then what do we watch?
PeterPotamus on May 8, 2008 at 4:50 PM
***SPOILER WARNING***
What really bothers me is that the key theme of the series has been the focus on the supernatural. Spielberg seems to have trashed that with his alien fetish and linked crappy sci-fi to recycled Indy plots.
Aliens? Aliens with crystalline bodies? Area 51? Psychic Communists? with Indiana Jones? C’mon this is retarded.
Having Jaws fight with the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park would have been a better way to whore out nostalgic icons.
darclon on May 8, 2008 at 4:51 PM
Sorry, 300 sucked on its own just fine.
From Miller dishonestly showing how a Spartan became a man (killing a slave, not a wolf), to the screaming, to the Immortals becoming Predator-esque ninjas, to the distortion of who the Ephors were (essentially the war-council of Sparta, not pedophile priests), etc. etc.
darclon on May 8, 2008 at 4:55 PM
And BSG is filmed in Vancouver, not Hollywood.
Maybe Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse will make it big. All signs are good so far.
NeighborhoodCatLady on May 8, 2008 at 5:02 PM
It will probably be quite good, and like the vast majority of “quite good” shows that premier on Fox, it’ll get canned before so much as six episodes air.
Blacklake on May 8, 2008 at 5:08 PM
Maybe the Indiana Jones series has reached the point where Mel Brooks should do the next installment.
Cicero43 on May 8, 2008 at 5:09 PM
Darclon, yeah, I would’ve liked a more historically accurate 300, but I still enjoyed it, heck I even like the cheesy 1961 version. It would’ve been cool if they had shown the Athenians kick Persian azz at Marathon and Salamis, even if it was just a glimpse for continuity. Themistocles was not even mentioned, the battle of Plataea was mentioned but not shown. Oh well, maybe another movie will fill in the gaps.
Tony737 on May 8, 2008 at 5:18 PM
This is your answer.
fanderbiles on May 8, 2008 at 5:43 PM
I wish people wouldn’t use acronyms without first saying what they mean! I don’t watch network TV. Still want to know…
I knew I recognized Shia LeBeef, Stanley Yelnats, now that was a quality movie.
kirkill on May 8, 2008 at 6:09 PM
AND if it’s Battlestar Galactica, then it’s BG…ha.
kirkill on May 8, 2008 at 6:13 PM
Whatever. I don’t trust AICN’s reviews. I’m going to see it. If you trust Hyper Harry, stay home.
Then again, I enjoyed the Star Wars prequels for the most part, so flame away.
fiatboomer on May 8, 2008 at 6:16 PM
When its not wallowing in melodramatic soap opera crap. Like the boxing episode. Half of it was gold and half of it left me longing for higher quality television like Days Of Our Lives.
As for Indy, I’d had hopes that Spielberg’s involvement would save the movie. Up until now the only Indy movie I didn’t care for was the second one which was done sans Spielberg. But the trailers for this one have left me feeling rather blasé. I’ll see it because its Indy but I don’t have very high expectations for it.
Rip Ford on May 8, 2008 at 6:26 PM
I think the kid from Temple of Doom is the Jar-Jar of Indiana Jones.
I remember they made a big to do with Harrison Ford “retiring” his Indiana Jones hat and that there will be no more Indiana Jones movies. It is a gamble to have made this movie. It is so ripe for a flop. They have to make darn sure they don’t blow it. Having a cheap gimmick will blow it.
Karen Allen returning is not a cheap gimmick. It is a nostalgia gimmick but not a cheap one. Having been so long since the previous Indiana Jones movie, let alone the first one, it’s expected you’re going to have nostlagia gimmicks. The question is if Shia Lebeouf is the cheap gimmick.
hadsil on May 8, 2008 at 6:30 PM
As far as I’m concerned BSG/BG jumped the freaking shark this season and I hope to God that both the survivors and the cylons wipe themselves out before they get within 20 lightyears of Earth!
Fatal on May 8, 2008 at 6:36 PM
I knew there was a reason that Dr. Jones (the elder) said “We named the dog Indiana” …
mrfixit on May 8, 2008 at 6:36 PM
Hmm, shows how much I watch movies now, I finally looked up who Shia Labeouf is. All this time I thought Shia was a girl.
reaganaut on May 8, 2008 at 6:38 PM
Ha yourself.
Jim Treacher on May 8, 2008 at 6:58 PM
Yeah, that’s the site whose key demographic is semi-adult men wet themselves at the mere mention of Speilberg or Lucas. The proper perspective is that if that audience thinks it sucks then it must r-r-r-r-really suck.
ScottMcC on May 8, 2008 at 7:12 PM
I know you’re not asking me (like that ever stops me), but Iron Man was a solid action flick. Even my wife liked it, and she normally hates comic-book-based films.
ErikTheRed on May 8, 2008 at 10:14 PM
The first two seasons and then the first four episodes of season three of BSG were gold. After that… it’s been As The World Turns – In Space! Seriously, I’m so ready for them to get to the frackin’ point.
ErikTheRed on May 8, 2008 at 10:16 PM
it’s been As The World Turns – In Space! Seriously, I’m so ready for them to get to the frackin’ point.
Seriously. I’ve been a big fan of the series, but I just about fell asleep last week. I’m very, very much done with Starbuck’s entire storyline. Zzzzz…
salmonczar on May 8, 2008 at 10:58 PM
Never cared for AICN’s particular tastes in movies… they seem overly angry about every little nitpicky thing, too, so I’m absolutely holding out hope that the film is still excellent.
That and I’m one of the few people on this earth that actually very much likes and still enjoys the Star Wars prequels. Perhaps I just have a complex to defend everything Spielberg/Lucas have made since the late ’90s.
Jockolantern on May 8, 2008 at 11:00 PM
Actually, if Lucas / Spielberg fanboys think it sucks, it might actually be okay. The logic behind this is: fanboys have unrealistically high expectations which are certain to be dashed. Their crapping all over the movie for not matching their expectations will then lower those of any semi-fanboy or normal moviegoer who has heard that the fanboys don’t like it. The movie will then likely go beyond these lowered expectations and satisfy as entertainment.
Mibrilane on May 8, 2008 at 11:45 PM
Riddle me this, though: why is it I can’t seem to create empty space between paragraphs like everyone else? I’ve tried Safari, Firefox, IE6 and IE7 and every time my paragraphs mush up against each other…
Mibrilane on May 8, 2008 at 11:47 PM
I have seen all the preview clips and I have no idea why they even bothered making this movie. They should have just stopped at The Last Crusade and left it at that.
pilamaye on May 9, 2008 at 6:18 AM
I don’t feel like defending anything made by Spielberg and Lucas any more. Ah well, so their empire is coming to strike them back? No matter. It’s past their bedtime already. Nighty night, Spielberg and Lucas.
Avi Green on May 9, 2008 at 6:59 AM
We are aware that 300 was a movie based on a comic book, and not a movie based on the historical event, are we not?
I was pleasantly surprised with Iron Man; I’m still certain that Incredible Hulk and Crystal Skull will suck.
Leonidas shot first, indeed!
q2600 on May 9, 2008 at 8:48 AM
Dudes/Dudettes,
Fat Harry has praised some of the worst movies of all time (Armageddon and American Godzilla) and panned some of the most enjoyable films to come down the pike. If you don’t believe me, check out the archives. And if you want to be disgusted, read his review for Blade II.
Whatever Fat Harry Knowles says is 180 degrees out of synch with reality.
Krydor on May 9, 2008 at 9:38 AM
I heartily disagree. The Binks character was the dumb blonde love interest. Jurassic Park 3 would have been a much better movie if first chance they got, the characters threw that dumb, screechy blonde to the Wankersaurus.
GeneSmith on May 9, 2008 at 9:51 AM
Sure, one so-called review (the legitimacy of which is being debated widely) on a crazed fan-boy site is reason enough to delcare the move crap and the series destroyed.
Sigh, these are the time’s we’re living in…
Malpaso on May 9, 2008 at 11:16 AM
Heh, great idea, I heart Mel Brooks!
Liberty or Death on May 9, 2008 at 11:40 AM
…A BAD Indiana Jone film?! Surely this is a sign of the apocolypse.
They should’ve cast CHUCK NORRIS as the new leading man, Ford looks less dangerous than my grampa by now.
Capitana on May 9, 2008 at 1:59 PM