How to destroy Iran from within: Malibu Barbie!

posted at 10:46 am on April 29, 2008 by Ed Morrissey

As it turns out, we don’t need to bomb Iran or impose a blockade in the Persian Gulf to overthrow the mullahcracy in Tehran. All we need, according to the mullahs themselves, is an airlift of Barbie dolls to overthrow the ruling clique and bring a new day of Westernism to the long-oppressed Iranian people. Sensing a massive Mattel conspiracy, the Iranian government threatened a crackdown on the merchants of Barbie-ism:

A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the “destructive” cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls and other Western toys.

In the latest salvo in a more than decade-old government campaign against Barbie, Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the doll and other Western toys are a “danger” that need to be stopped.

“The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger,” said the letter, a copy of which was made available to The Associated Press. …

“The displays of personalities such as Barbie, Batman, Spiderman and Harry Potter … as well as the irregular importation of unsanctioned computer games and movies are all warning bells to the officials in the cultural arena,” his letter said.

Barbie? Harry Potter? That hardly smacks of Western muscularity. One would suppose that GI Joe would frighten the mullahs more, with or without the Kung-Fu Grip, but of course the military might of the West is only a secondary issue at best. The mullahs fear Barbie’s short skirts and bare midriffs and the unmistakable message of freedom it sends to women forced to cover themselves from head to toe in dark, depressing colors.

Maybe a Barbie-smuggling operation would work. If it doesn’t, perhaps we need to throw the Geneva Convention aside and use the really heavy artillery: Bratz Girls. I’d rather they go to Iran anyway rather than here. All kidding aside, forcing Tehran into issuing proclamations against childrens’ toys could only help expedite the decline of their credibility and remind younger Iranians that the rest of the world has progressed past the 14th century, even if their oppressors have not.

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I would love to see us do it, just to f- with their heads.

James on April 29, 2008 at 10:49 AM

A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the “destructive” cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls.

Dang. Never thought I’d agree with a top iranian judiciary official.

davidk on April 29, 2008 at 10:50 AM

Barbie would kick their ass.

As would that ‘Elvis’ Ken from the 70s.

Mr. Bingley on April 29, 2008 at 10:52 AM

Burqa Barbie!

whitetop on April 29, 2008 at 10:54 AM

They made it to the 14th? I could’ve swore they never left the 11th myself.

steveegg on April 29, 2008 at 10:57 AM

androgynous Pat?

funky chicken on April 29, 2008 at 10:58 AM

Instead of dropping them in we could just saddle them up to those spy squirrels the Iranians were complaining about last year.

Limerick on April 29, 2008 at 11:02 AM

Those pics of Ken weren’t surely serious were they? If so, we are in deep deep trouble.

I agree with the sl*t girls, I mean Bratz girls though.

kirkill on April 29, 2008 at 11:06 AM

There are no Ken dolls in Iran.

– President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Karl on April 29, 2008 at 11:10 AM

About the Ken dolls..
As a little girl who was given a Barbie and Ken to play with in order to keep her quite at a wedding loudly observed;
“He doesn’t have a pe%^!s.”

Beto Ochoa on April 29, 2008 at 11:20 AM

I had some hippies living down the road that gave my daughter grief because she had a Barbie. When they had kids, the mother claimed their daughters would never have them. Of course, the reality set in and both their daughters were thrilled with their new Barbie when the time came.

I think it’s great that young ladies like to have Barbies, it’s when boys want them that I get a little uncomfortable.

Hening on April 29, 2008 at 11:22 AM

Burqa Barbie and Koran Ken…..now there’s a marketing idea!

Dr.Cwac.Cwac on April 29, 2008 at 11:22 AM

Dr.Cwac.Cwac, it would be even funnier if you were a Gastrointestinal doctor named Joseph…

It’s the all new Burqa Barbie…now how much would you pay?

Don’t answer yet…look what else you get…Koran Ken!

But wait, there’s more…not sold in any store…

Dr. GI Joe!

Red Pill on April 29, 2008 at 11:44 AM

Don’t forget the new doll coming out this summer. THE MALIBU BARBIE WITH THE KUNG-FU GRIP. Look for it in stores soon!!!

pueblo1032 on April 29, 2008 at 11:44 AM

Did the 2000′s Ken have a sex change? That’s a lady; not a dude.

lorien1973 on April 29, 2008 at 11:45 AM

Karl on April 29, 2008 at 11:10 AM

Awesome.

Red Pill on April 29, 2008 at 11:45 AM

Somewhere out there, there’s gotta be a hangar-full of unsold Strawberry Shortcakes just waitin’ for the order to drop and hug the Mullahs….

Lockstein13 on April 29, 2008 at 11:50 AM

lorien1973 on April 29, 2008 at 11:45 AM

Call it “San Fran Ken”.
Hence the comment by

Karl on April 29, 2008 at 11:10 AM

Red Pill on April 29, 2008 at 11:50 AM

Actually Mr Najafabadi is one smart cookie. Once he can get the supply down his collection will be worth millions.

Limerick on April 29, 2008 at 11:50 AM

My Barbies used to hang out with GI Joe. They had beards and flexible arms and legs. Ken was too metro for them.

andysdick on April 29, 2008 at 11:54 AM

In a longer version of the article I read somewhere yesterday, it said that the Muslim version introduced to compete with Barbie — two twins complete with hijab and brown skin — had failed in the marketplace.

Of course they failed. Muslim Barbie’s are not cool, and that is the fatal flaw in the war between civilizations: Islam is just not cool so its practitioners will always always always be looking over the fence to the greener (and cooler) grass of the West.

You go, Barbie and Harry!

NahnCee on April 29, 2008 at 11:55 AM

andysdick on April 29, 2008 at 11:54 AM

My barbies hung out with cobra. They dug dudes who played with their snakes.

lorien1973 on April 29, 2008 at 12:08 PM

finally, the john edwards action figures find a purpose

fulhamfc on April 29, 2008 at 12:09 PM

Seriously, I think cultural sewage may be our most effective way to fight Islam without violence. Send them porn and lots of it. We should find a way to make sure they have unfiltered internet access and pump them full of sleaze. We should use the liberal tactic of poisoning the children’s minds so they reject religious oppression. Like Jocylen Elders said, teach them masturbation. Maybe Larry Flynt should be a presidential adviser.

deewhybee on April 29, 2008 at 12:36 PM

When i was a wasted hoodlum yoot back in the day,
way before the interwebs and right before Atari, me and my chaps used to tape firecrackers (or m-80′s if we could get them) to GI Joes and Evel K dolls, strap the GIJ parachutes on them and drop them off the roof to their flaming, cracklin’ deaths.

Worse yet, we would sometimes take a Ken doll off of one the guys’ sisters, put him in his Ken-Car soaked with lighter fluid snagged from dad’s workbench, and send the flaming car over a home-made ramp into the pool.

Good times.

Today I am a serial killer. Go figure.

Mike D. on April 29, 2008 at 12:44 PM

Does the Iranian Ken have a beard and BO?

RobCon on April 29, 2008 at 1:40 PM

Re: fulhamfc on April 29, 2008 at 12:09 PM

Yeah, I thought that guy looked familiar!

Sir Napsalot on April 29, 2008 at 1:48 PM

My sisters had Dawn dolls, not Barbies. They were hot for Stretch Armstrong.

Tuning Spork on April 29, 2008 at 1:57 PM

And that ’80s Ken looks like Gary Condit. **shudder**

Tuning Spork on April 29, 2008 at 2:05 PM

…LMAO. That’s a great friskin’ post.

ChipDWood on April 29, 2008 at 2:19 PM

Maybe the judge can convince Ahmanutjob to export confiscated Barbies instead of EFPs to Iraq

clghitis on April 29, 2008 at 2:29 PM

Notice the Ken doll in it’s latest updates
is more namby pamby,did they mold it from
Silky,or was the latest version the Silky’s
early years,jus sayin!Hehe.

canopfor on April 29, 2008 at 3:09 PM

Operation Barbie,

A stealth vessel approaches the Iranian coast,all systems
are go,Barbie missisles are hot and there off!

Minutes tick by,and high above, the ken dolls are parachuting down ever so silently,at 1000ft.the
Ken dolls spring into action to the tune of “Its
Raining Man”!

Million’s of covert Ken Barbie dolls are falling to
their intended targets,girl schools,playgrounds,
alternative lifestyle Bars that don’t exist!

Who would of ever thought that trying to take away
Ken barbie dolls floating ever so gently in Iran
would spawn a civil war,not a shot fired,a Liberal
Utopian dream come true!Haha.

canopfor on April 29, 2008 at 3:22 PM

What are they doing with muslim dolls. I thought sharia law made it illegal to have fun, dance at weddings, sing, and so forth. What are these people thinking with DOLLS. The great exploytation!!

TimothyJ on April 29, 2008 at 4:10 PM

Well, if you aren’t to young to remember, along with Reagan spending the USSR into military destitution, there was a strong black market that sprung up in the USSR that included Levi Jeans, coca-cola and (one hates to remind) Michael Jackson music.

Took the dollars right out of the communist government controlled market’s hands and put it in the hands of entrepreneurs who knew what people wanted.

Also interesting is that, indeed, the Islamists from Tehran to Pakistan (Shia or Salafi extremists) have been saying for years that the west has been at war with Islam for centuries and that we deliberately set about to destroy their culture and Islam with our horrible products that were, of course, closely followed by our freedoms and culture.

Some of it is about the products, but the rest is about how economic freedom, the ability to develop wealth, generally creates the demand for political freedom. Money = power. take it out of the government’s hands and you get…well, We the People…

Kat_Mo on April 29, 2008 at 10:30 PM