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Madonna as Ugarte? Or maybe Ferrari?

posted at 11:30 am on April 3, 2008 by Ed Morrissey
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Several people have openly considered remaking the film Casablanca, considered one of the best of all time, but the burden of recreating both the intense national mood and the perfect casting for the roles have proven far too daunting — at least for some of lesser stature. The Daily Mail reports that Madonna has decided to produce a remake, starring herself in the role of Ilsa Lund, but trying to capture the national mood by changing the setting … to Iraq?

It is one of the greatest films of Hollywood’s golden era, a triple Oscar-winning classic with electrifyingly charismatic stars and a script bursting with memorable lines.

But now Madonna has stunned the movie industry with plans to remake Casablanca – and this time set it in Iraq.

The singer, whose previous film career has been littered with critical and commercial turkeys, is also planning to take the lead role of Ilsa Lund, which originally made a star of Ingrid Bergman.

This is the Daily Mail, which means the report has to be taken with a large grain of salt. A quick Google search shows a number of reports, but most of them appear to use the Daily Mail as their original source. However, given Madonna’s huge ego and propensity for extremely bad career choices in cinema, this could very well be true — at least in intent.

How ridiculous would this project be? First, in terms of setting, Iraq and Casablanca have very few parallels, if any at all. Casablanca was a place no one could flee, hence the central plot device of the signed exit visas. People come and go out of Iraq with few hurdles — in fact, that’s been one of the reasons why Iraq has had so many problems after the invasion. In terms of mood, it would be the exact opposite of what the US felt in 1942, when the original was made. What national anthem would replace La Marseillaise in the remake, I wonder? The Saddam-era Iraqi national anthem, or perhaps the Russian?

Most ludicrous, however, would be casting Madonna — Madonna! — as Ilsa Lund. Madonna is 49 years old, and hasn’t exactly aged well. Anyone who saw her last ridiculous remake, Swept Away, could see that she had no business in an ingenue role, and that was six years ago. Ingrid Bergman was 27 when at the time Casablanca was filmed, and looked younger. Madonna … not so much.

Madonna might make a credible Ugarte instead, and then audiences could cheer her sudden departure at about the ten-minute mark. It would also give audience closer identification with the lead character when Ugarte asks, “You despise me, don’t you, Rick?”

Update: I forgot to credit this to The Corner, where they have been speculating on remakes that could get set in Iraq. My favorite? Gone With the Wind, but mostly because I don’t like the original.

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Maybe she means Saddam’s Iraq, pre-liberation?

[Ha-ha. Only kidding.]

andycanuck on April 3, 2008 at 11:34 AM

Madonna is no Ingrid Bergman. Why all these remakes? Don’t these “artists” have original storylines anymore?

p40tiger on April 3, 2008 at 11:34 AM

Can the writer’s please, please, please go back on strike?

SPCOlympics on April 3, 2008 at 11:37 AM

April 1 is over.

right2bright on April 3, 2008 at 11:38 AM

Sacrilege.

Shy Guy on April 3, 2008 at 11:40 AM

Please, please don’t ruin Casablanca.

Sue on April 3, 2008 at 11:40 AM

Is this a private conversation or are we broadcasting?

there it is on April 3, 2008 at 11:47 AM

49? Not likely.

JiangxiDad on April 3, 2008 at 11:47 AM

“Here’s lookin’ at your cone-shaped boobs, kid.”

Nethicus on April 3, 2008 at 11:47 AM

Speaking of Iraq, forgive the pimping, but there’s a very interesting link I found at AoS that Ed and AP may want to check out (and probably already have). I would very much like to hear their thoughts on this.

The second link on that post is very interesting and provides an insight I hadn’t yet seen. An exerpt, but go read the whole thing:

Some problems will persist, but their severity had been significantly staunched. Maliki has promised to keep arresting the names on his list, and he has demonstrated that he’s a man who means what he says. The NYTimes does not have much of circulation in Iraq and almost nobody watches CNN, so maybe that’s why the regular folks I’ve been speaking to are so admiring of Maliki. The political elite in Baghdad is freaked out by Maliki’s newfound stature and they must all go back to the drawing boards to recalculate this new dynamic in the political equation.

It is unfortunate that what little news the American public gets to see and read about Iraq gets so distorted by the neurotic contortions of a handful of maladjusted, misinformed journalists. This active disinformation will further confuse those uppity congressmen who’ve made running Iraq from afar their business, and may even sway elections one way or another. But the regular readers of this blog will know that such mistaken perceptions and the actions they may entail no longer worry me, since I see very little that America could do to alter realities in Iraq proper, realities that I find encouraging. Sure, Americans could make things even better had they had the chance to see why Iraq is so worthwhile, but for that to happen integrity would have to be reintroduced into the profession of journalism—don’t hold your breaths. For now, I’d settle for how things are developing on their own accord.

And eventually, Maliki may nab Muqtada over some infraction as banal as tax-evasion. Maliki is not supposed to be a performing monkey for the western media. His job entails doing the very kind of things he’d gone and got accomplished in Basra. Today, Basra is calm and Iraq’s national army is in charge, not the Mahdi’s. Well done, Mr. Maliki.

techno_barbarian on April 3, 2008 at 11:50 AM

How many ways can we say FLOP, and I’m not talking about her boobs.

If she goes through with it, I hope they cover-up her Popeye arms. Ugh.

moonsbreath on April 3, 2008 at 11:50 AM

They always had Paris. She’ll always embarrass.

mymanpotsandpans on April 3, 2008 at 11:51 AM

Madonna = The WHORE of Babylon

mountainmanbob on April 3, 2008 at 11:55 AM

Hahaha, this can be nothing but incredibly awful.

Mr. Bingley on April 3, 2008 at 11:58 AM

Anyone who saw her last ridiculous remake

Someone saw that movie?

I’m surprised she isn’t trying to do a Bogie/Bacall movie. Or maybe she thinks this is a Bogie/Bacall movie.

emailnuevo on April 3, 2008 at 11:59 AM

Madonna acts? Uh we don’t know that!

MNDavenotPC on April 3, 2008 at 12:00 PM

Madonna in a re-make of “DUMB and DUMBER” would be interesting. Madonna as Ilsa, quick get me a waste basket, oh s–t too late BAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!!!

pueblo1032 on April 3, 2008 at 12:01 PM

Um, so what?

The woman is hideous, could you put this one at the bottom of the stack so we don’t have to look at her or something?

funky chicken on April 3, 2008 at 12:02 PM

Madonna might make a credible Ugarte instead

That’s what I thought when I saw that front photo.

baldilocks on April 3, 2008 at 12:02 PM

I think the gap between her teeth has extended to the gap between her ears.

Big John on April 3, 2008 at 12:02 PM

Let her make it in Iraq AND let her pay for her own protection. No military back-up for this age-old slut.

geminicontender on April 3, 2008 at 12:03 PM

She compares closer to Michael Moore than Ingrid Bergman. Whatever she attempts I am sure it will fail. Look at Hollywood the last few years and all of their hate-America movies……Hollywood’s losing big time

geminicontender on April 3, 2008 at 12:04 PM

Meh……………. a large grain of salt.

Seven Percent Solution on April 3, 2008 at 12:05 PM

We can only guess at who will be the good guys in this one . . .

Tim Robbins and Alec Baldwin arm and arm - “this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship . . . ” as they go off to join Al Qaeda.

NoDonkey on April 3, 2008 at 12:11 PM

Madonna in a re-make of “DUMB and DUMBER” would be interesting. Madonna as Ilsa, quick get me a waste basket, oh s–t too late BAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!!!

pueblo1032 on April 3, 2008 at 12:01 PM

Dumb & Dumber was at least funny. She needs to redo Dumber & Dumberer

There is no way in H E double hockey sticks that Madonna should be allowed to take any of Ingrid Bergman’s roles.

rbj on April 3, 2008 at 12:11 PM

Generally you remake movies that had solid stories, but perhaps were unnoticed at the time or were foreign films that your target audience isn’t familiar with.

These sorts of remakes are all about narcissistic ‘artists’ dry-humping classics for the sake of fame and cash.

And it’s a re-write on a familiar movie with ‘updated’ story lines and performers, so it’s cheap and guaranteed money at the box office.

Asher on April 3, 2008 at 12:12 PM

Leave well enough alone already. They don’t need to remake Casablanca. Especially with a horrible, hit-the-wall actress or I should say “wanna-be” actress like Madonna.

Geronimo on April 3, 2008 at 12:15 PM

Madonna has decided to produce a remake, starring herself in the role of Ilsa Lund

Gee, what a surprise! Heh, she’s writing checks her acting ability can’t cash! Must be nice to have money to burn though!

I have never found her attractive in the least, she’s a trashy hose-bag that made a name for herself as a sex object yet not long ago she was lamenting being “pigeon-holed” as a sex object…what a joke!

She’s not aging well at all, I give her another 10 years and she’ll make Tammy Faye look like a goddess! *shudder*

Also, Madonna couldn’t hold a candle to Ingrid Bergman both in looks and class!

Liberty or Death on April 3, 2008 at 12:16 PM

Look at what her daughter had to bear while growing up. A Hollywood slut!

geminicontender on April 3, 2008 at 12:16 PM

If Hollywood is so damn insistent on doing remakes, why not do movies that actually NEED to be redone…

…like the Phantom Menace.

SPCOlympics on April 3, 2008 at 12:17 PM

I’ve got a great idea for a different remake with a twist:

“Throw Madonna off the Train”

Shy Guy on April 3, 2008 at 12:20 PM

Madonna might make a credible Ugarte instead, and then audiences could cheer her sudden departure at about the ten-minute mark.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, I wouldn’t put anything past Hollywood nowadays.

Wayne Clark on April 3, 2008 at 12:29 PM

Dear God in Heaven no!! Spare us this at least.

Ellen on April 3, 2008 at 12:30 PM

I have been waiting for this. Self centered and aged people like Madonna and George Clooney will remake everything from Ben Hur to Gone With The Wind in their own perverted sense of anachronistic stupidity.

Ben Hur could be an Iraqi returning to oust the Americans and Scarlet O’Hara can be an Afghani maid dealing with the US Carpetbaggers.

If you are familiar with Casablanca’s creation, it was a fluke. When movies were being ground out on a shoestring production schedule, it was a diamond among much trash. Now all we get is trash from Hollywood.

Madonna should star in the remake of “What Ever Happened To Baby Jane” and play both star roles. It would truly be visually terrifying. Clooney should remake “Inherit The Wind” and play the pompous and irrelevant Brady. It wouldn’t even take acting.

Hening on April 3, 2008 at 12:36 PM

She should stick to stealing black children from Africa.

awake on April 3, 2008 at 12:46 PM

That picture of Madonna made me hurl and it reminds me of that beyond bizarre video she made to promote another bad cd; I guess she wanted us to know that she can still move her body parts around even tho her voice still sucks. My God, that woman not only didn’t age well, she’s senile already. Oy!

Madonna passed the ’sex idol’ torch to Brittney, so where did did that ho-bag, slut-sack leave it? Who cares…

Christine on April 3, 2008 at 12:49 PM

My favorite? Gone With the Wind, but mostly because I don’t like the original.

You’re kidding, right?

In other news, pop star Madonna has been diagnosed with the same thing Barbra Streisand has, what ever that is.

spidgy on April 3, 2008 at 12:58 PM

RENAULT
I am making out the report now. We haven’t quite decided whether Madonna committed suicide or died trying to escape.

Akzed on April 3, 2008 at 1:00 PM

My favorite? Gone With the Wind, but mostly because I don’t like the original.

I would pay good money to see whatever actor and actress Hollywood thinks would have the same chemisty as Vivien Leigh and Clark Gable. On second thought, no I wouldn’t…..

Madonna, I will slap her for that crap. Casablanca is one of the best movies ever and Madonna’s a washed up Pop singer.

When does “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” open again?

mjk on April 3, 2008 at 1:03 PM

What a washed-up rag.

OhEssYouCowboys on April 3, 2008 at 1:12 PM

Is it possible that it would be an anti-war movie as opposed to one focused on the relationships involved? And if it’s in Iraq, the ONLY choice to replace Bogart would obviously be George Clooney.

eeyore on April 3, 2008 at 1:13 PM

Yes!! Please do it, Madonna!!! I need a new favorite worst movie of all time to replace “Showgirls” and “The Velvet Goldmine”!!!!

foxforce91 on April 3, 2008 at 1:14 PM

The horror … the horror….

irishspy on April 3, 2008 at 1:15 PM

This will be Madonna’s “Britney” moment, sans the hair clippers.

moxie_neanderthal on April 3, 2008 at 1:17 PM

Is she so removed from reality that she doesn’t realize the unmerciful crap she’s going to get for doing this? Oh wait - of course she is!

foxforce91 on April 3, 2008 at 1:20 PM

I’m guessing at the end of this one, Ilsa stays with Rick to help smuggle weapons to “insurgents” for the fighting with the American Occupiers.

Because movies now apparently need to have a happy ending….

Grrrr. Blood pressure rising…..

mjk on April 3, 2008 at 1:20 PM

This right up there with Beyonce playing Maggie the Cat or Carmen Jones. That industry is practically worthless now. I watch a lot of Turner Classic Movies and the difference btwn Old Hollywood and Hollyweird is like the diff btwn heaven and hell.

I didn’t even like Casablanca all that much once I finally saw it, but it is an untouchable classic (so was Psycho & The Ten Commandments but that didn’t stop these jerks) and will be soundly rejected.

Madonna as Ingrid Bergman? OK…

Dubn8tr on April 3, 2008 at 1:32 PM

That picture of Madonna made me hurl and it reminds me of that beyond bizarre video she made to promote another bad cd; I guess she wanted us to know that she can still move her body parts around even tho her voice still sucks. My God, that woman not only didn’t age well, she’s senile already. Oy!

Madonna passed the ’sex idol’ torch to Brittney, so where did did that ho-bag, slut-sack leave it? Who cares…

Christine on April 3, 2008 at 12:49 PM

And that’s with a noggin full of botox.

In that picture she sort of looks like the actress who played the Older May in A League of Their Own.

AprilOrit on April 3, 2008 at 1:44 PM

Why try to improve on greatness? Leave classics like Casablanca alone! Go make another lousy Friday the 13th film. Oh wait, they ARE making another Friday the 13th film! Oh joy.

pilamaye on April 3, 2008 at 1:45 PM

madonna is like 943 years old already. gross

Drunk Report on April 3, 2008 at 1:55 PM

Desperately Seeking Ilsa

srhoades on April 3, 2008 at 2:08 PM

I live a few miles from Claude Rains’ gravesite-I’ll take a drive by there later to see if there is any spimning activity going on.

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=850

Del Dolemonte on April 3, 2008 at 3:40 PM