Bad news from Ted Turner: Global warming to lead to cannibalism; Update: Video added
posted at 1:58 pm on April 2, 2008 by Allahpundit
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He’s taking flak for saying in the same interview that Iraqi insurgents are patriots motivated by natural loathing for the occupier, which may be true for some of the non-AQ rank and file but would come as news to the Shiites and Kurds with respect to the “patriotic” Baathist dregs in charge. As for the looming catastrophe, there’s a reason the HuffPo Readers of Tomorrow are banging on your door when they see a light on in the window, my friends. It’s because they don’t want to have to eat your brain 30 years from now:
TED TURNER: Not doing it will be catastrophic. We’ll be eight degrees hottest in ten, not ten but 30 or 40 years and basically none of the crops will grow. Most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals. Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state — like Somalia or Sudan — and living conditions will be intolerable. The droughts will be so bad there’ll be no more corn grown. Not doing it is suicide. Just like dropping bombs on each other, nuclear weapons is suicide. We’ve got to stop doing the suicidal two things, which are hanging on to our nuclear weapons and after that we’ve got to stabilize the population. When I was born-
CHARLIE ROSE: So what’s wrong with the population?
TURNER: We’re too many people. That’s why we have global warming. We have global warming because too many people are using too much stuff. If there were less people, they’d be using less stuff.
And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? Exit question: What’s the first step to solving the “too many people” problem? Imprisoning the skeptics? Taxing reproduction? Mandatory abortions? Or do we do the irresponsible thing and wait until they’ve finally figured out how to do climate modeling?
Update: Here’s the man himself, commanding as always with that vaguely slurred way of speaking of his.
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If true lets take a moment to pray that Ted is the first meal!
azcop on April 2, 2008 at 1:59 PM
No thanks. The dude must be all grizzle!
Darksean on April 2, 2008 at 2:02 PM
I think living in a post apocalyptic world would be kinda cool. I’m a big fan of zombie movies for the whole survival angle and I’m armed to the teeth. Bring it on!
manfriend on April 2, 2008 at 2:03 PM
the voluntary human extinction movement gets another member!
lorien1973 on April 2, 2008 at 2:03 PM
Hey Ted, Eat Me!
trubble on April 2, 2008 at 2:04 PM
Classic – best tagline ever!!!
thirteen28 on April 2, 2008 at 2:04 PM
Who the hell still listens to this guy? He became irrelevant a long time ago. He says stupid stuff just to get back into the news. imho.
HawaiiLwyr on April 2, 2008 at 2:04 PM
I think he needs to spend less time “thinking” and more time reading the scientific data that is calling into question this “Global Warming is going to destroy the earth fear mongering”
saltydogg14 on April 2, 2008 at 2:04 PM
Oh, and I fucking hate cold weather.
manfriend on April 2, 2008 at 2:05 PM
Anyone know hte best way to cook a hippie or a feminist?
Defector01 on April 2, 2008 at 2:05 PM
I think Ted Turner would make a good candidate for Archbishop of the Church of Euthanasia. (That site is too vulgar to merit a link.)
Annar on April 2, 2008 at 2:06 PM
… It will also lead to Kevin Costner sailing the ocean on a boat and breathing underwater with gills.
Ted Turner spends a lot of time thinking.
*channeling Ted Turner while thinking* ….. HEY! …….. if you were a bison – would you eat a piece of yourself as a tasty burger? ……. I know I would!! *(my best Harry Cary/Ted Turner voice impression – in text, that is.)*
wise_man on April 2, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Wow…
if I put BBQ sauce on him, will he taste like chicken?
upinak on April 2, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Start by having Ted eliminate himself. I mean, dude, do us all a favor
Kini on April 2, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Why would we eat Teddy? He’s all skin and bones. Now a whole baked Rosie O’Donnel with an apple in her mouth…
Darth Executor on April 2, 2008 at 2:08 PM
“I spend a lot of time thinking.”
Yup. So does my crazy Aunt.
Yer point?
locomotivebreath1901 on April 2, 2008 at 2:08 PM
Ah, more from Ted Turner…the population control enthusiast of our age. I’m sure he’s looking forward to the masses shrinking for the sake of his empire and ego growing.
MadisonConservative on April 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM
Is he saying that greater global poverty will solve climate change? That’ll be popular. This from a billionaire douche who owns half of Montana.
He should just be honest and say that he thinks we should kill 75% of the world’s people. Then the rest of us could leave the lights on 24/7 and live like kings, kings I tell you. And if we killed more men than women the remaining men could have several wives. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Ted likes the ladies.
And what’s his problem with cannibalism? Human meat is gamey and tender, not too greasy if you get a leaner cut. He should know this. He’s been sucking the life out of people for years.
Vote Sauron 08 on April 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM
Maybe we’ll see a new organization for those guilt-ridden people on how they have harmed Mother Earth and all agree to do a simultaneous mass-die off by jumping off a cliff as part of their one-time “I’m sorry” suicide pact? And doing so help control population and less CO2 emissions from their own hot air…pun intended.
Kokonut on April 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM
This reads like someone with mild dementia reacting badly to the studio lights. Someone should check his meds.
Quisp on April 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM
Definitely not in their own juices.
*GAK!!!!*
(Would have all sorts of hippie stench with patchouli oil and sweat mixed with urine.)
wise_man on April 2, 2008 at 2:09 PM
Best point made, saltydog14!
TT will never have the humility to eat his own words. He fancies himself a prophet in his own mind.
onlineanalyst on April 2, 2008 at 2:10 PM
Hmmm. A rich, white, liberal talking about population control. And people wonder where these ideas come from. Someone should really write a book about it.
http://liberalfascism.nationalreview.com/
VolMagic on April 2, 2008 at 2:10 PM
How about stopping lobbing Gazillions of dollars to third world countries with high birth rates (and high pollution rates too)? That would be a good start.
Aristotle on April 2, 2008 at 2:10 PM
Answer according to Ted: Killing them.
MadisonConservative on April 2, 2008 at 2:10 PM
My guess is that after they socialize health care, they’ll simply not treat the aging boomer population’s inevitable entropy and help us all shuffle off this mortal coil just a little quicker. For the good of the planet, of course.
Hell, we can’t even get competent health care when we’re paying for it. Imagine what it’ll be like when it’s ‘free’.
techno_barbarian on April 2, 2008 at 2:11 PM
So they’ll need to be marinated in aromatics
I was thinking between roasting/panfrying/sauteeing or grilling as my top choice, you know want that crispy skin and flavorful meat. Hippies have the same diet as most cows so i guess tenderizing will be needed no?
Defector01 on April 2, 2008 at 2:11 PM
Defector01 on April 2, 2008 at 2:11 PM
with or without onions?
upinak on April 2, 2008 at 2:12 PM
Definitely buzzard flavored
fluffy on April 2, 2008 at 2:12 PM
Cooking them isn’t the real challenge. It’s cleaning them that’s the problem.
techno_barbarian on April 2, 2008 at 2:13 PM
Additional:
Eugenics is rearing its ugly head again, and it doesn’t help that Islamic fundamentalists have essentially the same idea, but with a different part of populace to be spared.
MadisonConservative on April 2, 2008 at 2:13 PM
Yep.
Army of the 12 monkeys
ChrisM on April 2, 2008 at 2:13 PM
Nuke the Sun. It’s our only hope.
Limerick on April 2, 2008 at 2:16 PM
haha the picture with the tag line is perfect. Ted who?? Why does what this guy has to say have any relevance at all to anything?
drift on April 2, 2008 at 2:16 PM
I always kind of wondered how the view that the fetus is a “parasite” is squared with, for example, Edwards’s idea for mandatory checkups and treatments.
OneGyT on April 2, 2008 at 2:18 PM
Limerick on April 2, 2008 at 2:16 PM
the movie Sunshine comes to mind.
upinak on April 2, 2008 at 2:18 PM
Mr. Turner, your application to lead by example and leaving the Earthly bonds of this planet have been accepted. God Speed, and don’t let the door hit you in butt on the way out!
Seven Percent Solution on April 2, 2008 at 2:18 PM
It’s obvious that he spends no time at all thinking.
Like the old saying goes; “poor people are crazy; rich people are eccentric.”
tomk59 on April 2, 2008 at 2:21 PM
This is left over from his days in school, when they were teaching world famine by the year 1990, then 2000. The schools were determined to teach all of us kids in the 50’s and early 60’s that the world is doomed (mainly because we consume to much), and the only hope was the third world countries with all the resources. And I mean seriously doomed, mass starvation, no rice or wheat, ice age, nuclear disaster either from bombs or electrical plants, over crowding, not enough room ( side note: did you know you could put every person in the world in Texas in a 10′ by 10′ space?).
This is why grammar school is so important, this guy still believes what was first taught him.
Cannibalism? Hey Ted…eat me…
right2bright on April 2, 2008 at 2:24 PM
Were Atlanta eight degrees warmer on average than it is now, it’ll be as warm as the drought-plagued, cannibal wasteland of Miami, Florida.
Jimmie on April 2, 2008 at 2:26 PM
Isnt this the same guy who wants to keep the Korean DMZ free of development at the same time North Koreans are starving to death ?
William Amos on April 2, 2008 at 2:26 PM
“If there were less people, they’d be using less stuff.”
And if there were more people, there’d be more lunatic billionairess like TT. What a thought.
Akzed on April 2, 2008 at 2:30 PM
Within 30 years no crops will grow and we’ll have to eat each other and live in Somalia because it’s 9 degrees hotter. That’s just awesome. This man needs to be heard. The more shrill they get the more people will see how ridiculous their agenda is.
Spolitics on April 2, 2008 at 2:31 PM
“Take care to pluck all armpit hair…”
Darksean on April 2, 2008 at 2:33 PM
C’mon everyone…admit it! It would be wonderful to have Ted Turner for dinner.
Al-Ozarka on April 2, 2008 at 2:33 PM
Debbie Schlussel has some great ideas for the new “Planet Green” Discovery cable television network including -
“Hollywood Green Wasted,” contestants get to tear down the majority of a famous [Global warming preaching] celebrity’s mansion–such as the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie estate [Then one of Ted Turners]–leaving only that portion, which will use only as much energy as does the average American.
MB4 on April 2, 2008 at 2:34 PM
I completely agree…you and Hanoi Jane are two too many people.
James on April 2, 2008 at 2:34 PM
Ted thinks there are too many people? Shouldn’t he be FOR the war? Wont that actually help acheive his goal of shedding people from the Earth?
But then again, if we’re going to be eating people, shouldn’t we be making more people(so that we have more to eat?)
Ted demonstrates what happens when you watch Solent Green on acid. (ITS PEOPLE…ITS PEOPLE!)
As Homer Simpson would likely say, “mmm…peoply goodness.)
Wise Golden on April 2, 2008 at 2:35 PM
Captain Planet…..”clean up the environment or I’ll F’in kill ya”!
dmann on April 2, 2008 at 2:36 PM
Ted Turner is one of the largest private landowners in the country. Why does he turn over this land to the national park service to make sure that his land stays commercial-free and does not contribute to the “climate problem.”
These rich morons are selfish little imps with pea sized hearts and brains.
saved on April 2, 2008 at 2:38 PM
What an idiot.
max on April 2, 2008 at 2:40 PM
Ive read about Captain Cook in Polynesia, and found out that as long as you don’t eat the brains, you’re fine.
shibumi on April 2, 2008 at 2:40 PM
This would be a real boon to people in the Northern States. Places that can’t grow anything now because of their cold climate should be perfect if temperatures raised by 8 degrees.
EJDolbow on April 2, 2008 at 2:42 PM
Look over the descriptions of the following 2 houses and see if you can tell which belongs to “The one who calls himself an environmentalist.”
#1. A 20-room mansion(not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas, add on a pool(and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone(which the last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern “snow belt,” either. It’s in the South.
#2. Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every “green” feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet(4 bedrooms) and is nestled on an arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected after then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.
HOUSE #1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist—AL GORE!
HOUSE #2. (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas. Also known as “the Texas White House,” it is the private residence of the President of the United States, George W. Bush.
- wolf2012 on Debbie Schussel
MB4 on April 2, 2008 at 2:42 PM
BRAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNSSSSS!
Meryl Yourish on April 2, 2008 at 2:46 PM
MB4 — WOW! That is facinating — do you have any links? That would make a great Hot-Air story.
Wise Golden on April 2, 2008 at 2:47 PM
MB4 — wait a minute. Screw Hot-Air — I’m puting it on my site.
Wise Golden on April 2, 2008 at 2:48 PM
“I spend a lot of time
thinkingdrinking.”TheBigOldDog on April 2, 2008 at 2:49 PM
When Ted Turner starts walking everywhere and lives in a
cardboard box, he can lecture me about my energy consumption.
Same goes for Al Gore and Governator Arnold and all the spoiled Hollywood celebs who live in homes 30 times as big as mine with ten different cars and decide to lecture me about Global
Warming.
As of now, they can all just go bugger off.
Tuco on April 2, 2008 at 2:50 PM
Overpopulation: Waaaay to much of You, just the right amount of Me.
Cuffy Meigs on April 2, 2008 at 2:51 PM
In other news, CNN announced today that its founder Tad Turner was found uncounscious and soaked in blood in a wooded area near his mansion.
Police report said that two Somalians and one Sudanese illegal immigrants were nearby eating something that looked like human flesh.
When approached by the police officers, one of the men waived at them with what looked like the hand of Mr. Turner.
The report added that the suspects -who are now in custody- told the police that they were hungry and hot and they couldn’t find anything more delicious than Mr. Turner.
At the hospital, the doctor in charge of piecing together Mr. Turner said in a news conference that Mr. Turner is slowly recovering although one of Mr. Turner’s balls is missing and that the search will continue until the police find the left eye and the tongue.
This was a CNN special report.
Indy Conservative on April 2, 2008 at 2:53 PM
Debbie Schlussel: More Rube TV Destined for Failure: Welcome to the Enviro-Celeb Channel; Tommy Lee Tells You How to Live
MB4 on April 2, 2008 at 2:53 PM
How do I sue the Public School System?
I was taught that the Earth rotating on its axis and orbiting the sun was the reason for the different seasons and the warming & cooling of the planet. I didn’t know it was from to many people getting jiggy with it.
Damn the scientific model. All hail the Ted Turner model.
PappaMac on April 2, 2008 at 2:53 PM
I love the way he starts with “in 10 years”, then thinks that might be TOO extreme, so “er, 30 years”. Then he proceeds to go completely wacko!
I mean really, everybody knows it THE ZOMBIES we have to worry about. His point might be that cannibalism could start the Zombie plague, but I don’t think he is that smart.
His shortsighted worry about a little cannibalism, while ignoring the long term threat of the Zombie apocalypse just shows how much of a poopy-head he is.
Agrippa2k on April 2, 2008 at 2:59 PM
Debbie Schlussel article with comments
MB4 on April 2, 2008 at 3:00 PM
You do not want to eat hippie.
Render them for biodiesel instead.
Kristopher on April 2, 2008 at 3:01 PM
I call dibs on Jessica Alba!
rbj on April 2, 2008 at 3:02 PM
Hey, Captain Outrageous! How about a nice piping hot cup of SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!
pilamaye on April 2, 2008 at 3:05 PM
Abortions for some, tiny American flags for everyone else!
Durn aliens….
calbear on April 2, 2008 at 3:05 PM
Soylent Green! I’m jus’ sayin’…
Other than that, Teddy is just batshit crazy.
Wyznowski on April 2, 2008 at 3:08 PM
I’m surprised Ted didn’t tell Charlie that if we don’t act now, the Earth will be hotter than the Sun by 2050.
jon1979 on April 2, 2008 at 3:09 PM
Never ceases to amaze my how so many people with on common sense, along with obvious loss of multiple brain cells…are smart enough to become billionaires.
oldernslower on April 2, 2008 at 3:11 PM
Odds are, Ted will consume everyone on the planet. Then, left with no alternative, he will eat himself.
maintenanceman on April 2, 2008 at 3:14 PM
Ted is the largest private landowner in the US. Two million acres. He says he just wants to be a rancher but others beleive that he wants to control water, put ranchers out of business or create a huge wildlife preserve. But who knows.
Anyway, the decision that he makes all on his lonesome will have a dramatic impact on us all. Crazy? Crazy like a fox.
dingbat on April 2, 2008 at 3:16 PM
I want halle berry
But at least if this happens i’ll have a new, non-legal future, as tv host of the food networks new cooking program “How to cook and serve hippies”
Defector01 on April 2, 2008 at 3:17 PM
Uh, Teddy gave us the answer: Cannibalism. The problem is that he thinks global warming is a bad thing, when in reality, it will lead us to cannibalism – which in turn, will result in a decrease in population – thus, global warming is a good thing, no?
Which reminds me, it’s time for my afternoon snack…
Rick on April 2, 2008 at 3:19 PM
Ted Turner “I spend a lot of time thinking”.
Good thing he doesn’t spend a lot of time eating.
Entelechy on April 2, 2008 at 3:21 PM
Defector01 on April 2, 2008 at 3:17 PM
you mean:
How to Serve Millionaire!
upinak on April 2, 2008 at 3:22 PM
I want Rosie O’ Donnell. Sure the Big Ro might not be very appetizing, but there’s definitely going to be a lot of meat.
Mike Honcho on April 2, 2008 at 3:23 PM
To the exit question – it all won’t matter. Two continents, for example, will collide, like they so often did (or parted), and squish millions, to become fossil material.
See, for ex., composition of the Matterhorn, plates from Africa and Europe.
Entelechy on April 2, 2008 at 3:31 PM
I hear they’re pretty gamey, by the time you scrub off all the dirt, there’s not much left. ;-}
jdawg on April 2, 2008 at 3:33 PM
Sounds like ol’ Ted just got done reading The Road.
Jim Treacher on April 2, 2008 at 3:35 PM
How many cannibals could your body feed?
TheBigOldDog on April 2, 2008 at 3:38 PM
Well Ted, if lightening should strike one of these years and you ever have an intelligent thought, get back to us. Till then, go fornicate yourself.
MB4 on April 2, 2008 at 3:40 PM
I could make an extremely tasteless remark about Ted, Hanoi Jane, and cannibalism, but I won’t…
Jonas Parker on April 2, 2008 at 3:42 PM
When science fails, just pull stuff out of your bum.
And I’m pretty sure that Ted’s palm flower is black by now. Somewhere there is a sandman not doing his job.
29Victor on April 2, 2008 at 3:47 PM
What show had those seemingly benevolent space aliens pushing a book called ‘To Serve Man’, which turned out to be a cookbook?
Also, did I tell you the one about the cannibal who passed his buddy in the woods?
pistolero on April 2, 2008 at 3:48 PM
Idiots like Turner are always good for comedic relief. I saw Jesse “The Mind” Ventura for a few minutes last night on Larry King and witnessed this gem:
“We’ve invaded a country that did not do one thing to us … it’s like if you go back to World War II and Pearl Harbor. The Japanese attacked us at Pearl Harbor, so maybe we should have attacked Thailand.”
… or maybe Germany.
Blacksheep on April 2, 2008 at 3:48 PM
Dear. God.
How astoundingly silly these people are going to look when the cannibalism mysteriously fails to start …
Professor Blather on April 2, 2008 at 3:49 PM
Could explain why those stories came out on Monday about Ted “finding Jesus”. He apparently wanted to increase his future available food supply.
jon1979 on April 2, 2008 at 3:50 PM
Twilight Zone
spoofed in The Simpsons.
rbj on April 2, 2008 at 3:51 PM
Too many people? Sounds Malthusian to me, like when we had too many people and not enough food. Interesting how that line of thinking unfurled.
warrenmr on April 2, 2008 at 3:51 PM
Thought so, but my memory isn’t what it used to be. It’s like someone’s eating my brain one bite at a time.
pistolero on April 2, 2008 at 3:52 PM
Definitely a lot of fat. Oh, wait. You mean that kind of eating?
rbj on April 2, 2008 at 3:53 PM
Who’d want to eat Ted? You’d probably end up with Mad Cow Disease!
andycanuck on April 2, 2008 at 4:03 PM
To Obama’s regret, and Hillary’s delight, he didn’t eat Jane, when he had a chance.
Entelechy on April 2, 2008 at 4:07 PM
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