It’s unclear which part he was lying about. Was it consensual? Wombat “lovemaking” can get a little rough. Or did it never happen at all?

Who will believe the real victims of wombat rape now?

Arthur Cradock, 48, from the South Island town of Motueka, called police last month to tell them he was being raped by the marsupial at his home and needed urgent assistance.

Cradock, an orchard worker, later called back to reassure the police operator that he was all right.

“I’ll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he’s pulled out. Apart from speaking Australian now, I’m pretty all right you know. I didn’t hurt my bum at all.”

“[A]lcohol played a large role in Cradock’s life,” according to the prosecutor, who accepted a plea to a charge of using a telephone for a “fictitious purpose.” Exit question: What could have tipped off the police that he was lying? Was it the idea that he’d somehow been raped into speaking a language that doesn’t exist?