Hitch gets waxed, names his newly shorn schwanz

posted at 6:25 pm on November 28, 2007 by Allahpundit

It’s part of the initiation ritual for the new atheist religion he’s founding.

My appointment’s next Tuesday.

No, it’s part of his jokey self-improvement series for Vanity Fair, in which our curmudgeonly litterateur goes to the spa, the dentist, and the salon in a semi-successful bid to turn an aging British man into an aging American one. Fade in…

You ladies will know what I mean by the stirrup position, which I was now unceremoniously instructed to assume. That’s to say, I braced one leg up while Ms. Padilha braced the other. And she does this for a living. To be Dr. Lituchy and to spend every day up to your elbows in other people’s oral cavities would be tough enough. But this … And wait: surely you can’t be serious about putting … Oh Jesus. I was overwhelmed by a sudden access of lava-like agony, accompanied by the vertiginous sensation that there was no there there. Stunned into silence, I listened slack-jawed as she told of her plans to expand into the London market, and to fly to Dubai to demonstrate her technique. To call this a “growth industry” might be a slight mistake: the J Sisters will not rest until every blade has been torn from every crevice. Tomorrow, the world. But today, your humble servant. And my only question was: “Where’s the rest of me?” We did not take a “before” picture, so with your indulgence I shall not share the “after” one. The total effect, I may tell you, is somewhat bizarre. The furry pelt that is my chest stretches southward over the protuberant savanna that is my stomach, and then turns into a desert region. Below the waist, a waste. I suppose I could have had the whole torso denuded, but then I would have looked even more like a porpoise than I already do.

And the schwanz? “Smooth Operator.”

A fine idea for a blog series, actually. One wonders, how much beautification would it take to turn a beta male into an alpha…?


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One wonders, how much beautification would it take to turn a beta male into an alpha…?

Not possible. Once you’ve imprinted your inferiority it’s too familar to discard. Enjoy! (j/k)

Spirit of 1776 on November 28, 2007 at 6:28 PM

There are no atheists in foxholes stirrups.

see-dubya on November 28, 2007 at 6:29 PM

The furry pelt that is my chest stretches southward over the protuberant savanna that is my stomach, and then turns into a desert region. Below the waist, a waste.

Lol.

peski on November 28, 2007 at 6:30 PM

Hell would have to freeze over before I’d torture myself like that. I am just not that vain.

Bob's Kid on November 28, 2007 at 6:31 PM

Has he run out of ideas to write about? How embarrassing.

jdpaz on November 28, 2007 at 6:33 PM

hitch is not british, he is barzillian apparently.

zane on November 28, 2007 at 6:33 PM

AAAAAAUUUUUGGHHH!!!!

Remove that picture, immediately if not sooner!!!

Frozen Tex on November 28, 2007 at 6:35 PM

Just like the Ohio State Buckeyes. Who would name a football team after hairless nuts?

HerrMorgenholz on November 28, 2007 at 6:37 PM

Transforming one’s nugget pouch into a shaven haven is a controversial concept, to say the least.

Not the way I would go, but a bold choice.

Mike D. on November 28, 2007 at 6:37 PM

OK Allahpundit your hot steamy manlove for the Hitch is getting down right creepy…..

doriangrey on November 28, 2007 at 6:38 PM

Aliens could make crop circles in the hair on my back and chest and it’s staying right where it is.

TheSitRep on November 28, 2007 at 6:38 PM

I was absolutely positive you were going to say he ‘Christened’ his newly shorn schwanz.

Hilarious, the things a man must do as part of his professional upkeep.

Brings a new light to, say hello to my little friend.

Speakup on November 28, 2007 at 6:39 PM

There are just no appropriate words.

Bring back Rosie.

Professor Blather on November 28, 2007 at 6:42 PM

No, it’s part of his jokey self-improvement series for Vanity Fair, employee sponsored rehab program.

There, fixed it.

TheBigOldDog on November 28, 2007 at 6:43 PM

Particularly with that pic – TMI, AP, T…M…I…

eeyore on November 28, 2007 at 6:44 PM

New low water mark for a slow news day?

/MY EYES!!!

Wanderlust on November 28, 2007 at 6:45 PM

doriangrey on November 28, 2007 at 6:38 PM

I’ll second that motion…all in favor???

Wanderlust on November 28, 2007 at 6:46 PM

Did he lose a bet or something?

Zorro on November 28, 2007 at 6:47 PM

So I come back from dinner…and Allah greets me with a photo of Christopher Hitchens wearing nothing but a spa towel. Damn you, Allah.

Bad Candy on November 28, 2007 at 6:47 PM

Busted! He yelled, “Jesus!”.

portlandbob on November 28, 2007 at 6:48 PM

One wonders, how much beautification would it take to turn a beta male into an alpha…?

There’s no alternative method.

jaime on November 28, 2007 at 6:49 PM

Allah, this is on your bedroom wall, isnt it?

http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2007/10/hitchens_slideshow200710?slide=2

lorien1973 on November 28, 2007 at 6:50 PM

A few (several?) days ago Media Bistro had a story about Hitchens inviting folks reach inside his trousers to fondle his newly denuded jewels.

They did not explain why he had the waxing done. So glad you cleared that up today.

The man is just gross.

centralcal on November 28, 2007 at 6:51 PM

oops, I fogot to add that some female present actually did reach into his trousers and describe the sensation to the onlookers!

centralcal on November 28, 2007 at 6:53 PM

The combined effect was like being tortured for information that you do not possess, with intervals for a (incidentally very costly) sandpaper handjob.

That’s hilarious.

lorien1973 on November 28, 2007 at 6:54 PM

Il faut souffrir pour être belle, as the French say.

Memo to Hitch: note the use of the feminine “belle”, not the masculine “beau”.

Buy Danish on November 28, 2007 at 6:55 PM

Picture #8 is priceless. Here’s hoping AP can gank it for future Hitch lead-ins.

Blacklake on November 28, 2007 at 7:01 PM

Hitchens need to stop drinking and smoking. No amount of exterior work will change the way he looks until then. Watching those two back to back clips on here, the ones where Hirsi Ali was present, was painful. He started off very alert and clear eyed and by the end he was visibly twitching for a drink and a cigarette. It was like watching the old peanuts clip of Pigpen. He would be scrubbed clean and then without even moving he would get scroungier and scroungier.

peacenprosperity on November 28, 2007 at 7:02 PM

Funny stuff. The man does suffer for his craft.

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:03 PM

Hitch and AP love affair ..zzzzzzzzzzzz

redrock on November 28, 2007 at 7:05 PM

One does not go from beta male to alpha via beautification. From alpha to beta maybe. Waxing is worse than water boarding, I’m sure, but the State Dept. won’t comment.

Otherwise, all I can say is Yikes! and why?

Ordinary1 on November 28, 2007 at 7:05 PM

The horror, the horror.

You’re stabbing my eyes!

thejackal on November 28, 2007 at 7:09 PM

All I want for Christmas is a T-shirt that says: “I waxed Christopher Hitchens’ package”.

HerrMorgenholz on November 28, 2007 at 7:14 PM

I don’t want to offend anyone but – JESUS CHRIST!!

Gag me with a spoon!

OBX Pete on November 28, 2007 at 7:14 PM

So, does a guy just find a place like this in the yellow pages?

“Yes, I’d like molten wax poured upon the Family Jewels, then ripped off my scrotum… Yes, I’ll pay extra for you to wear jack boots and to laugh maniacally as you do it.”

“There’s no ‘safety word’ you say? Well, I suppose that will be OK.”

darkpixel on November 28, 2007 at 7:15 PM

Funny stuff. The man does suffer for his craft.

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:03 PM

Maybe so, but after having my cornea’s scorched with that no warning image, all I can say is…He isn’t suffering anywhere near enough. Bad Allahpundit (smacks Allahpundit on the nose with a rolled up newspaper) Bad bad Allahpundit…

doriangrey on November 28, 2007 at 7:15 PM

Maybe so, but after having my cornea’s scorched with that no warning image, all I can say is…He isn’t suffering anywhere near enough.

Haha. I don’t know about that…hot wax? There? When I was a reporter, the strangest thing I ever did was play wheelchair basketball. Not sure I would have gone this far for a story.

Of course, there was that time a beefalo tried to kill me…

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:18 PM

Haha. I don’t know about that…hot wax? There? When I was a reporter, the strangest thing I ever did was play wheelchair basketball. Not sure I would have gone this far for a story.

Of course, there was that time a beefalo tried to kill me…

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:18 PM

Allowing anyone to take those photos demands some serious retribution, allowing them to be published, I’m not sure there is enough suffering to atone for that…

doriangrey on November 28, 2007 at 7:22 PM

Oh NO! That picture. Did you notice the “used” wax strip in between his legs?

Aggie85 on November 28, 2007 at 7:26 PM

hitch is not british, he is barzillian apparently.

zane on November 28, 2007 at 6:33 PM

Very good.

And really, I don’t get the appeal. I can’t say I’m much in favor of overly hairy men, but I’m not sure I’d go for a bald one either.

Esthier on November 28, 2007 at 7:28 PM

Did you notice the “used” wax strip in between his legs?

Well, no. Not before you mentioned it.

Thanks for that. Now it’s nightmare time.

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:32 PM

Well, no. Not before you mentioned it.

Thanks for that. Now it’s nightmare time.

Slublog on November 28, 2007 at 7:32 PM

heh heh heh welcome to the club, maybe you wont be so soft on AP now…

doriangrey on November 28, 2007 at 7:41 PM

Every time I see Hitch (and Ron White) I think of this Heavy Fuel from Dire Straights:

Last time I was sober, man I felt bad
Worst hangover that I ever had
It took six hamburgers and scotch all night
Nicotine for breakfast just to put me right
cos if you wanna run cool
If you wanna run cool
If you wanna run cool, you got to run
On heavy, heavy fuel

My life makes perfect sense
Lust and food and violence
Sex and money are my major kicks
Get me in a fight I like dirty tricks
cos if you wanna run cool
Yes if you wanna run cool, you got to run
On heavy, heavy fuel

My chick loves a man whos strong
The things shell do to turn me on
I love the babes, dont get we wrong
Hey, thats why I wrote this song

I dont care if my liver is hanging by a thread
Dont care if my doctor says I ought to be dead
When my ugly big car wont climb this hill
Ill write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill
cos if you wanna run cool
If you wanna run cool
Yes if you wanna run cool, you got to run
On heavy, heavy fuel

TheBigOldDog on November 28, 2007 at 7:44 PM

I laughed, I cried…

Jaibones on November 28, 2007 at 7:45 PM

*explodey*

Perhaps Hitchens is right… there is no God. Dear lordy Allah, that is quite possibly the most horrible thing I have ever heard.

BKennedy on November 28, 2007 at 7:45 PM

Ummm… no thanks.

Happy to be natural.

And agnostic.

(This is really an Onion bit… right?)

Allapundit-

You need to dub a “link-opens” waxing SCREAM from “The 40 Year Old Virgin” to this piece.

But tweak it an octave higher, for Hitch.

profitsbeard on November 28, 2007 at 8:17 PM

One wonders, how much beautification would it take to turn a beta male into an alpha…?

Post the pic and we’ll let you know.

Anwyn on November 28, 2007 at 8:28 PM

No, it’s part of his jokey self-improvement series for Vanity Fair, in which our curmudgeonly litterateur goes to the spa, the dentist, and the salon in a semi-successful bid to turn an aging British man into an aging American one.

To what end? He’s annoying as a bitter Brit who smugly opines about all that is wrong with the nation that if fueling the prosperity for the entire free world. Waxing his nether regions doesn’t make him an American. It makes him a metrosexual Brit who is just as out-of-touch with reality as the idiot who still looked like a man.

highhopes on November 28, 2007 at 8:35 PM

The article is dated December 2007. Since when did Hitchens invent a time machine?

aengus on November 28, 2007 at 8:40 PM

OT: Losing faith in reason

BTW I’m not posting off-topic to annoy anyone but because Hitchens put me in the mind of it.

aengus on November 28, 2007 at 8:43 PM

Waaaay too much information.

locomotivebreath1901 on November 28, 2007 at 9:43 PM

I’ve got a few extra bottles of brain bleach. Any takers?

ZK on November 28, 2007 at 9:46 PM

One wonders, how much beautification would it take to turn a beta male into an alpha…?

It’s impossible; the difference is all in the confidence.

Alex K on November 28, 2007 at 9:47 PM

Heh. I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist this one. :-)

Mark Jaquith on November 28, 2007 at 10:30 PM

This from the serious atheist journalist who’s the biggest warmongering Trotskyist of the bunch. God, Barzun was right. Pure decadence.

Drum on November 28, 2007 at 10:44 PM

The left and the War Party (attention Hugh Hewitt) love him because he apparently stands for the boozing edgy artsy literary set who’ve got the broad perspective on international affairs. Bullsh*t. Orwell would call the guy disgusting and a reprobate. Waugh wouldn’t cast a glance.

Drum on November 28, 2007 at 10:47 PM

Oh Jesus. I was overwhelmed by a sudden access of lava-like agony,

And let that be a warning to ya, it could get a lot worse..later.

Speakup on November 28, 2007 at 10:58 PM

I’m confused; how is making an adult male look like a pre-pubescent boy an “improvement?

not even goin’ near the “alpha” thing…

Claire on November 28, 2007 at 11:01 PM

Hitch is God. Which explains why he doesn’t believe.

Unless it doesn’t.

uptight on November 28, 2007 at 11:06 PM

The part of the series which document his dental work was even more…well you have to see it. And with British teeth plus a lifetime of cigarettes+alcohol topped off by neglect, he was badly in need of new choppers.

Hey Chris! There’s this stuff they sell here in the USA called dental floss.

baldilocks on November 28, 2007 at 11:25 PM

First Galloway on Big Brother and now this.

RobCon on November 29, 2007 at 12:06 AM

jdpaz wrote:

Has he run out of ideas to write about? How embarrassing.

No, it’s Vanity Fair’s way of punishing him for supporting the Iraq war and opposing Islam and terrorism.

HerrMorgenholz wrote:

All I want for Christmas is a T-shirt that says: “I waxed Christopher Hitchens’ package”.

“…and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”.

JimC on November 29, 2007 at 2:32 AM

As bad as this was, at least AP didn’t show a pic of this Brit at the dentist.

James on November 29, 2007 at 7:36 AM

So…

Hitch got hisself a “boyzilian?”

What is it with men who want to look like pre-pubescent boys? I can understand a person who requires it for competitive reasons…ie: bodybuilding contests where definition can’t be hidden by a luxurious pelt but, geez louise, it strikes me that it’s all a part of the attempt to de-masculinize males. To make us all boys again. Well, sister, I’m not a man… yet, that takes character that I’m still working on, but I sure as hell am not a boy either. I’m just a guy trying to be the best husband to my wife and father to my three daughters. Hopefully, someday, I’ll be a real man… cue paraphrased Pinocchio music.

MT

Mistahtibbs on November 29, 2007 at 10:25 AM