Video: Tom Cruise’s awful “Valkyrie” trailer
posted at 2:51 pm on November 12, 2007 by Allahpundit
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Like EW’s blogger says, it’s comically preposterous — but why? Part of it, surely, is that Cruise himself cuts a sufficiently absurd figure by now that he can’t inhabit a historical role, especially one of this gravity. (Not that he ever really could but he was fine in “Born on the Fourth of July.”) Part of it also is the incongruity of surrounding him with British actors while he’s doing his smirking cocksure jackass shtick. Pity poor Branagh, who did a fantastic job in “Conspiracy” as Reinhard Heydrich and is reduced here to being a wingman prop for Col. Toothy von Stauffenberg.
But the main factor contributing to the absurdity? The eyepatch, of course. Dude. Click the image to watch.
Update: While we wait for this one to detonate, Cruise tries to figure out why a dreary, talky anti-war picture proved to be box office poison.
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Yay another film I wont waste my time and money seeing!
Neo on November 12, 2007 at 2:56 PM
He’s a Kevin Costner for the new milennium.
see-dubya on November 12, 2007 at 2:56 PM
Tom Cruise delivers another epic failure of a movie.
bj1126 on November 12, 2007 at 2:59 PM
Looks like this movie commits the worst sin of moviemaking: it looks boring.
Mindcrime on November 12, 2007 at 3:01 PM
I thought it looked ok, what?
triple on November 12, 2007 at 3:03 PM
It is amazing isn’t it? Tom Cruise just keeps playing Tom Cruise.
reaganaut on November 12, 2007 at 3:03 PM
Mein Gott…der ist schlecht.
/babelfish FTW
Bad Candy on November 12, 2007 at 3:03 PM
More millions down the drain. I’m lovin’ it! This will be worse than Lions/Lambs bore.
roninacreage on November 12, 2007 at 3:04 PM
Is this the movie where he and a select cabal of military officers try to blow up Xenu?
Nethicus on November 12, 2007 at 3:05 PM
I prefer Beowulf myself
William Amos on November 12, 2007 at 3:06 PM
I wouldn’t pay a nickle to see it.
TheSitRep on November 12, 2007 at 3:10 PM
So he’s actually going from playing an eeeeeevil Republican senator to a good Nazi?
What range! Tell us, Tom: filming these so closely together, how did you tell the characters apart?
“Well, I kept getting them confused, so we gave the Nazi an eyepatch.”
saint kansas on November 12, 2007 at 3:11 PM
Two questions:
What’s with the eyepatch?
Is that Eddie Izzard as a Nazi?
I wonder how it ends?
GREENTURTLE on November 12, 2007 at 3:13 PM
Little did I know that German Nazis all had British or American English accents!
Neo on November 12, 2007 at 3:13 PM
oop thats three.
GREENTURTLE on November 12, 2007 at 3:13 PM
I mean oops
GREENTURTLE on November 12, 2007 at 3:14 PM
Wonder how they’ll make Bush and Iraq comments in an historic film?
Sugar Land on November 12, 2007 at 3:14 PM
See-Dubya wins the thread.
John from OPFOR on November 12, 2007 at 3:16 PM
That’s easy — they throw in the line “You’re either with us, or against us!” and all the moonbats will titter with glee as the sly wink to modern politics and obvious comparison of Evil Nazis to the Bush regime.
Mindcrime on November 12, 2007 at 3:17 PM
Yah, they’re kinda like Imperial Officers from Star Wars.
Only officers tho, stormtroopers spoke straight ‘merican.
John from OPFOR on November 12, 2007 at 3:19 PM
The hero of
Bush’sHitler’s assassination attempt.I bet he wore that costume on his honeymoon when he played Nurse Diesel.
Hening on November 12, 2007 at 3:20 PM
Ah, but with Pelican Neck Lucas retconning the hell out of the Star Wars universe, Stormtroopers now all have a New Zealand accent!
Mindcrime on November 12, 2007 at 3:20 PM
I prefer Beowulf myself
William Amos on November 12, 2007 at 3:06 PM
I prefer the earlier movie of Beowulf and Grendal.
GREENTURTLE on November 12, 2007 at 3:21 PM
Ach Du liebe, Er ist Kacke
Hening on November 12, 2007 at 3:23 PM
Count Claus von Stauffenberg, the real-life person who Cruise is
maligningportraying, lost his left eye, his right hand and a couple of fingers on the other hand in battle (courtesy of the Brits).baldilocks on November 12, 2007 at 3:23 PM
I can’t wait to find out if they kill Bus…I mean Hitler!
ronsfi on November 12, 2007 at 3:24 PM
as a little eichmann, I heartily endorse this movie!
lorien1973 on November 12, 2007 at 3:25 PM
There actually was a plot to murder Hitler, hatched by a senior Nazi officer who wore an eye patch. It almost worked. The plan was to place a bomb-laden briefcase under the table next to hitler while he met with his officers at his secret compound. Unfortunately, once the bomb was placed, he moved to the other end of the very large heavy table. When the bomb detonated, it destroyed the room; but hitler basically walked away. (In fact, he met with Mussolini later that day.)
The perpetrators were soon captured, given a show trial, and hanged from meathooks with piano wire.
CurtZHP on November 12, 2007 at 3:25 PM
I think you ovah-estimate thar chaunces
BohicaTwentyTwo on November 12, 2007 at 3:28 PM
I’m looking forward to Joy Behar’s cameo as the insane woman who keeps screaming, “Nazis!”
saint kansas on November 12, 2007 at 3:29 PM
Imagine you’re in an industry where your image is your meal ticket…
Now imagine that your image is constantly being damaged because your highly scrutinized existence leads people to think you are crazy, you’re teh ghey when you’re supposed to be manly-action-
herofigure, and have limited abilities in doing the appointed tasks in your job……then imagine you co-produce and star in a big budget movie helmed by a militantly ghey director, with a cross-dressing co-star, and you are the only one that doesn’t have the acting chops to affect a convincing British accent like the rest of your movie’s cast.
At some point, you’d think that guy would get fired for crappy decisions.
ScottMcC on November 12, 2007 at 3:35 PM
BTW, the Germans weren’t happy about having Cruise portray Stauffenberg. One, in particular, was quite POd about it–Stauffenberg’s oldest son.
The Germans have issues with Cruise’s religion.
baldilocks on November 12, 2007 at 3:35 PM
Babel translation: Oh you loves, he is sh*t
Bad Candy on November 12, 2007 at 3:36 PM
This from a guy who was in “Top Gun”?
bnelson44 on November 12, 2007 at 3:37 PM
The Battle of Yavin was an inside job! The Death Star was a controlled demolition!
Bad Candy on November 12, 2007 at 3:38 PM
Thermal detonators can’t melt plasteel!
Mindcrime on November 12, 2007 at 3:39 PM
Good story, poor choice of lead actor for the lead role, IMHO. Heaven forbid they actually find a German who resembles the lead….
dogsoldier on November 12, 2007 at 3:40 PM
No kidding! Most Germans speak better English than most Hollywood actors.
Mindcrime on November 12, 2007 at 3:41 PM
Tom ‘4th of July’ Cruise. All this junk coming out of Hollyweird makes you wonder if Sen Joseph McCarthy was a man before his time.
Wade on November 12, 2007 at 3:41 PM
Ach Du liebe
IIRC, that’s short for Ach Du liebe Himmel, a colloquialism which shouldn’t be translated word-for-word. It’s an exclamation, close enough to “Good Heavens!” We Americans might say something like “Jesus Christ!”
baldilocks on November 12, 2007 at 3:43 PM
He’s a legend in his own mind.
One tantalizing possiblity though… maybe he’ll go on the Oprah Show to plug this cruddy flick and he’ll beat the hell out of Oprah again. That would be fun to see for a second time.
SilverStar830 on November 12, 2007 at 3:44 PM
Legend was the only film that I liked Cruise in.
Kini on November 12, 2007 at 3:45 PM
Oh, good to know! Babel doesn’t tell you these things.
Bad Candy on November 12, 2007 at 3:45 PM
LtCol. Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg Was wounded in the north african campaign in 1943 when his vehicle was attacked by british fighter planes. He lost his left eye, right hand, and two fingers on his left hand.
As far as Eddie Izzard, yes and no. He is playing the part of General Erich Fellgiebel, who was not a nazi, and in fact was not trusted by Hitler but was allowed to continue in his position due to the good work he did until the attempted coup of July 20, 1944.
The coup fails, Hitler is saved from a too-weak bomb planted behind a table leg by the thickness of said table leg. Von Stauffenberg and three others are executed by firing squad the next day. The reprisals result in 5,000 people arrested and 200 executions. Adolf Hitler gets a snuff film made of some of the executions where the condemned are strung up with piano wire and allowed to slowly strangle. Also Field Marshall Erwin Rommel is implicated as having some knowledge of the plot and is given the option of a public trial or suicide. He chooses to take cyanide as the trial would have Humiliated him and also ended with his familly and staff being executed with him.
Anything else?
Bigkatt on November 12, 2007 at 3:46 PM
man, you’re a poet: articulating in four words exactly why Tom Cruise annoys the hell out of me.
zb42 on November 12, 2007 at 3:46 PM
And Morgan Freeman keeps playing Morgan Freeman.
And Tom Hanks keeps playing Tom Hanks.
And other actors do likewise.
Honestly, I always loved the story of the plot to kill Hitler, and I think this movie may be decent. In some cases, I try to put aside potential allegory if it’s weak anyway, and enjoy a good story. The Insider was a movie packed with pro-MSM crap, and I still thought it was one of the best movies of the 90s.
MadisonConservative on November 12, 2007 at 3:49 PM
wow another movie bomb from hollyweird.
better then anything that will come out of hollywood.
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
Mojack420 on November 12, 2007 at 3:50 PM
Why did Tarkin order a stand down?
BohicaTwentyTwo on November 12, 2007 at 3:50 PM
ve hav vays ov maken u watch !
? Tom Cruise German impression
William Amos on November 12, 2007 at 3:52 PM
WTF is Cruise doing trying to humanize the Nazis?
Nazis who are “a bit better” than Hitler are still Nazis.
While Clint Eastwood’s 2 movies about the war against Japan were very appropriate, this piece of garbage is not.
I hope Xenu takes him back to Mars.
AlexB on November 12, 2007 at 3:58 PM
I felt like jumping on the couch when I saw that.
saiga on November 12, 2007 at 4:00 PM
You’re welcome. Also, it should be Ach Du lieber Himmel. (My German teachers would have been very disappointed that I didn’t catch the ending the first time!)
baldilocks on November 12, 2007 at 4:01 PM
Top Gun sucked!
CurtZHP on November 12, 2007 at 4:02 PM
I’d be willing to give this a chance, but then being of mostly German descent I have always thought the German resistance movements have been under-represented in popular media. The White Rose, the officer’s plot (which this movie is about), etc. It wasn’t just the busty secretary in Colonel Klink’s office.
But then, I insist that Hitler was a leftist, so what could I know.
TABoLK on November 12, 2007 at 4:04 PM
Oh Allah… thank you for: Col. Toothy von Stauffenberg
I just spit water out all over my desk! LOL
D2Boston on November 12, 2007 at 4:07 PM
I gotta funny feeling this film just might be a lot better than what I’m reading. I think the awefulness of the trailer is the fact that we don’t want to see a cyclops Tom Cruise. There is a staggering talent pool behind this film, and even if that trailer was so heavy-handed you could slap it as a child, it’s early days and the producers will float anything to see how their marketing $ should be spent.
I reserve judgment for the time being.
thejackal on November 12, 2007 at 4:12 PM
It’s actually a terribly interesting story (for us History Channel Nerds) about how some Germans actually tried to assassinate Hitler. Too bad the main “good guy” is played by Maverick.
Could he at least attempted a Von Klink accent? Then it would have been funny. Er, funnier.
Of course, I’m probably just being glib.
mjk on November 12, 2007 at 4:19 PM
And a follow-up…just occurred to me. He was in Collateral, and he did a fantastic job.
Don’t diss Mann, man.
MadisonConservative on November 12, 2007 at 4:21 PM
The eye patch is high-larious. Cruise is a yet another 5′7″ Hollywood twinkie who pretends for a living.
Jaibones on November 12, 2007 at 4:24 PM
Kevin Costner hahaha or how ’bout the Buffalo Bills of Hollywood?
Tony737 on November 12, 2007 at 4:29 PM
Q. Why wasn’t Danny Glover cast as Von Stauffenberg?
A. Because of the ongoing and generational racism of white America. We, persons-of-color, simply aren’t allowed to believe that Von Stauffenberg was a person-of-color.
- Michelle Obama
OhEssYouCowboys on November 12, 2007 at 4:36 PM
I like turtles.
gajaw999 on November 12, 2007 at 4:45 PM
I don’t understand why you guys hate this film already? I think it looks like a great movie. I wish he used a German ascent though.
msipes on November 12, 2007 at 4:59 PM
I worked two days in Dallas on Fourth of July in ‘88 and you’re being extremely charitable on pegging Cruise’s height at five-foot-seven.
As a junior in high school I towered over Li’l Tommy Mapother… Yeah, Tom Berenger turned out to be significantly shorter than me too, but at least he wasn’t a smirking cocksure jackass.
ScottMcC on November 12, 2007 at 5:03 PM
1. It’s just such obvious Oscar bait.
2. Just because Tom Cruise looks like the man doesn’t mean he should be playing him.
3. Tom Cruise doesn’t belong in period pieces. Remember his “Lucky Charms” accent in Far and Away?
4. Maybe the Hollywood should look at more modern day villians besides the all-purpose Nazis.
5. It’s an interesting part of history. And we’ve all seen what Hollywood does to interesting history (”Munich”).
6. It just plain looks bad. The simple explanation is that if the trailer looks that bad, the movie is probably a simplistic and moralistic piece of crap.
7. It’s Tom Cruise.
8. It’s Hollywood.
That’s all I got. Anyone else want to take a swat at it.
mjk on November 12, 2007 at 5:15 PM
Looks like crap. Now this actually sounds interesting (geek warning: link to AICN):
P.S. I thought Strange Days was the bomb too.
saint kansas on November 12, 2007 at 5:17 PM
I think Tom Cruise is a great actor.
How is that trailer bad at all? I think it poses a very defined question.
msipes on November 12, 2007 at 5:17 PM
OK, Tom, we know that you don’t want us to hate you, or your movies.
OhEssYouCowboys on November 12, 2007 at 5:20 PM
And what question would that be?
Oldnuke on November 12, 2007 at 5:23 PM
It’s an age-old question.
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
OhEssYouCowboys on November 12, 2007 at 5:25 PM
Oh come on guys. I’m no Tom Cruise fan in his private life. But this is getting ridiculous. You guys are applying his private life with his acting ability.
Maybe it is not so much a question, but a statement. While we defined Germany as one person or one evil - “Hitler” - there were people in the country that despised him, and never wanted what occured. There is a line between nationalism and insanity. Hitler crossed that line, but so many of his country men did not agree with him.
I think this movie help brings to light the situation on the ground and how Nazi Germany was imploding on itself.
msipes on November 12, 2007 at 5:28 PM
Instead of trusting Hollywood to bring a light to this situation, perhaps you should watch the History Channel. They’ve had some really really great documentaries on this whole event.
Of course, I stopped trusting Hollywood to tell a historically accurate and thought provoking story years ago. That’s probably why I’m a History Channel nerd.
mjk on November 12, 2007 at 5:38 PM
Nazi Germany wasn’t “imploding.” It was being annihilated by 1000 plane raids and by a ground war, fought by boys [literally] who had to take up the fight against a Satanic force on earth, made up of soldiers wearing the German uniform. Isn’t it interesting, that good, little Nazis like Rommel, only questioned Hitler when the tide had turned against Germany? Until then, they were such good, little Nazis.
OhEssYouCowboys on November 12, 2007 at 5:38 PM
You do realize that Von Stauffenberg was just fine with using the Poles as slave labor don’t you? The reason they (the conspirators) hated Hitler was that he had snatched defeat from the jaws of victory…Oh! and he was nuts.
Oldnuke on November 12, 2007 at 5:46 PM
While that is true that it was being beaten back by our forces, it was imploding on itself as well.
As for Hollywood “bringing light” to the subject… not everyone watches the History channel. 48% of Americans can’t even name their Vice President. So at least a film like this can “somewhat” educate people about this important period in time.
msipes on November 12, 2007 at 5:47 PM
Not to mention a gazillion thoroughly Pi$$ed off Russians screamning in from the East!
Oldnuke on November 12, 2007 at 5:47 PM
Thank you for this! You’ve described Tom Cruise’s acting method to a “T”
ToddonCapeCod on November 12, 2007 at 5:48 PM
I watch a movie to be entertained, if I want a history lesson I certainly won’t be looking to Hollywood!
Oldnuke on November 12, 2007 at 5:51 PM
Yeah, that’s why you’re not going to find many Tom Cruise fans in this thread…
I’ve met the guy and found him to have an insufferably erratic personality. As an actor, the only thing good he ever did was Rain Man because by the end of that movie you could tell his character went from being a self-obsessed jerk to become more engaged as a caregiver to his autistic brother. Great script + great directing = good performances.
However, a good script doesn’t mean you’re a good actor. Sometimes you can have writers like Cameron Crowe and Aaron Sorkin writing the words you say and directors like Ron Howard and Steven Speilberg behind the camera, but a one-note actor will default to his smirking cocksure jackass schtick.
For examples, see:
Taps
Risky Business
Cocktail
Color of Money
Top Gun
Days of Thunder
A Few Good Men
The Firm
Interview with a Vampire
Jerry Maguire
Mission Impossible
Magnolia
Mission Impossible 2
Vanilla Sky
Minority Report
Mission Impossible 3
Sometimes a one-note actor will want to branch out and play “against type.” It’s the one-note actor’s performance in these movies you really get a sense of their limitations. For examples, see:
Legend
Born on the Fourth of July
Far and Away
Eyes Wide Shut
The Last Samurai
War of the Worlds
Collateral
Without seeing either movie, it’s relatively safe to bet that Cruise will be a smirking cocksure jackass in Valkyrie and will flounder in his attempts to break out of his smirking cocksure jackass schtick and default to his one-note performance style in Lions for Lambs.
ScottMcC on November 12, 2007 at 6:02 PM
Adolph Hitler didn’t suddenly become a naughty person in the summer of 1944. The generals tried to kill Hitler because he was LOSING. They supported Hitler all the way when Germany was winning territory. In fact von Stauffenberg himself was a huge proponent of German “colonization” of Europe and slave labor camps.
As the war dragged to an end, Hitler was determined to sacrifice Germany to extend his own hold on power by a few more days. The generals wanted to do whatever they could to prevent the destruction of their own country. That puts them one step above the terrorists in Iraq, but… Well on second thought, maybe in the eyes of Hollyweird, that does make them Angels.
As for Cruise, I never really understood what the fuss was all about until now. OK, the guy was a gay Scientologist but so what? That makes him about average for that town.
But this last movie will gross more than Cruise’s minimum salary used to be; and it looks like the next one will do even worse; and apparently he invested his own money in making them? Now THAT is crazy!
logis on November 12, 2007 at 6:13 PM
Um, that should say this last movie will gross LESS than Cruise’s minimum salary used to be…
logis on November 12, 2007 at 6:15 PM
Not to mention their own butts.
Oldnuke on November 12, 2007 at 6:32 PM
von Staufenberg may have not opposed or may have even supported the drang nach Osten; but he did loathe, on moral grounds, the endlösung. Also, the earliest officers’ plot against Hitler was in the late 1930’s. Even Wiki knows that.
On a seperate note, I despise movies that give foreigners funny accents when the film is set in their own country, nominally speaking in their own language. A movie set in Germany about Germans who would be speaking German should NOT have the actors use ‘German’ accents. That’s just silly. However, if the rest of the actors are English, then at least a semi-British accent would be appropriate from Mr. Xenu. Especially since von Stauffenberg was from an aristocratic military family.
Seems very Costneresque ala Prince of Thieves.
TABoLK on November 12, 2007 at 6:50 PM
Cruise, Hollyweird drop another anti-war bomb that is sure to tank.
BKennedy on November 12, 2007 at 6:50 PM
I’ll give this a chance. I mean if crazy Tom Cruise makes a good movie, I’ll go see it. I’m not going to stop liking Top Gun and Mission Impossible and The Last Samurai just because Tom is a nut.
bigbeas on November 12, 2007 at 7:07 PM
Why jump on this film? The trailer seems fine and the story itself is fascinating. Hey I’m no Cruise fan but I would be interested in seeing this.
Hilts on November 12, 2007 at 7:19 PM
I wish I had a dollar fro every time Hitler’s first name was incorrectly written as “Adolph” - which is Swedish, instead of “Adolf” which was his correct name and is Germanic. What is with the “Adolph”?
Hilts on November 12, 2007 at 7:23 PM
German and Swedish are both Germanic languages. Und ja, der Fuehrer mit “f” ist richtig.
JiangxiDad on November 12, 2007 at 8:03 PM
Don’t be so quick to predict a box-office disaster for this flick. This is a story I’ve been fascinated with since childhood. I’ve read every book I could find about it, watched every documentary. Same with the last hours in the bunker in Berlin. I think there are enough people who have read both of John Toland’s Hitler books to make this a passable hit, even with Cruise playing the part with as much conviction as Richard Dreyfuss in “Jaws.”
rivlax on November 12, 2007 at 8:10 PM
This movie actually looks decent.
Its Tommy on November 12, 2007 at 8:11 PM
Hilts, my favorite German beer is Parkbrau, brewed in Pirmasens, Germany, which is near Kaiserslautern. Park’s logo is a little man made out of a capital “P” with a hat on. His name (and I have a beer hall mug to prove it) is “Kleiner Adolph,” not “Kleiner Adolf.”
rivlax on November 12, 2007 at 8:14 PM
Is Hollywood so hard up for heroes that it’s turning to the Third Reich? Are there no American heroes whose stories are worth telling?
Verbal Abuse on November 12, 2007 at 11:13 PM
germans with british accents again?
jummy on November 12, 2007 at 11:21 PM
Modest budget? The budget is rarely what makes a movie suck moron.
Darth Executor on November 12, 2007 at 11:42 PM
I would be interested in seeing this film, since I have studied the actual event, but with Cruise in the lead, I’m not sure that I will.
p40tiger on November 13, 2007 at 4:32 AM
Any..dolph sounds remind us Americans of Rudolph the red nosed r…aww forget it.
Alden Pyle on November 13, 2007 at 8:40 AM
“Help me… help you… kill Hitler!”
Jim Treacher on November 13, 2007 at 10:04 AM
So … who plays Cruise’s older mentor in this film?
Adolf?
Kristopher on November 13, 2007 at 11:52 AM