“[I]f it isn’t torture, it can’t be that bad, right?” our hero wonders rhetorically before declaring it most definitely bad — and recounting how he went in for one, two, three, four rounds of the stuff. Which, incidentally, was fewer than his brother managed. A possible alternative standard: If it is torture, you probably wouldn’t be so willing to have it done to you.

Another possible alternative: If it works as filler between true-crime segments on Anna Nicole Smith and Natalee Holloway, then — well, then it’s torture of a different kind, I guess. From last November: