Mystery solved: Why Bush didn’t sign Kyoto

posted at 1:35 pm on August 28, 2007 by Bryan

Gonzo must have planned his resignation ahead of this damning Discovery revelation: President Bush is plotting a global shrub genocide against grasses.

Rising carbon dioxide levels are almost certainly fueling the encroachment of shrubs on global grasslands, a trend that could eventually jeopardize the use of these lands for cattle grazing, according to a new study.

Shrubs have been steadily encroaching on traditional rangelands from the Great Plains in the United States to Mongolia and Kazakhstan for at least two centuries, and in the past 10 to 15 years, ecologists have linked the trend to increasing levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.

The study provides the first piece of evidence to support that theory and suggests that these kinds of environmental conditions favor shrubs over native grasses, presumably because the plants are better able to use CO2 for photosynthesis.

Bush is intentionally letting CO2 levels rise to give the shrubs the upper hand. That’s why he didn’t sign the Kyoto Protocol. When he’s not as dumb as a stump, he has the devious mind of a super-villain.

With carbon dioxide levels projected to increase sharply by the end of the century, the findings have serious implications for the management of these open rangelands which cover about 40 percent of the Earth’s surface and are typically used to support livestock, the authors of the paper said.

“As the shrubs displace the grasses, the forage quality of the land decreases and the land becomes less valuable as a place where livestock can graze,” said Jack Morgan, a research scientist at the US Department of Agriculture’s facility in Fort Collins, Colorado.

The Shrubfuehrer’s long range goal is obvious: Use the bushes to kill off the grasses, which will in turn drive out the ranchers, and then Bush and his oilman cronies can sweep in and buy up the land for cheap and start drilling. Or to build concentration camps for liberals on no-bid Halliburton contracts once he declares himself emperor in January 2009. Whatever.

I’m sure we’ll get the entire Artemisia frigida fascist plot exposed in Loose Change 3: Shorter, Dumber and Now Ignoring The Twin Towers Altogether.


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Shrubya’s plan is nearly complete.

Mr. Bingley on August 28, 2007 at 1:19 PM

That’s Shrubfuehrer (you misspelled it), German for Bush.

JiangxiDad on August 28, 2007 at 1:20 PM

LOL, Bryan! You must be taking Advanced Snark at night school!

RushBaby on August 28, 2007 at 1:38 PM

Ni!

James on August 28, 2007 at 1:38 PM

RushBaby on August 28, 2007 at 1:38 PM

Yeah, but I missed the bonus for failing to work in a double entendre using the phrase “Roger the shrubber.”

Bryan on August 28, 2007 at 1:40 PM

No wonder the old hag was terrified of Roger the Shrubber.

tree hugging sister on August 28, 2007 at 1:42 PM

Bryan on August 28, 2007 at 1:40 PM

I’m sure someone will be along shortly to cut down the largest argument in the forest with a red herring.

James on August 28, 2007 at 1:42 PM

It sounds like Day of the Triffids.

But seriously, I thought cattle grazing was destroying the environment, and the libs were all against that (not to mention that it promotes the that whole cowboy mythology). It really is Orwellian: one day we’re at war with Eastasia, the next we’re at war with Eurasia without skipping a beat.

Nosferightu on August 28, 2007 at 1:43 PM

This well deserves a Mr. Burns-type “Excellent.”

Anyone have the clip of alleged-Reverend Jesse Hijackson from 2000 when he said, “Stay out the Bushes.” Seems appropriate.

When the nefarious plot has come to fruition, I see Bush taking on the role of Montgomery Burns and saying to the ranchers, “You lose. Get of my property.”

Dr.Cwac.Cwac on August 28, 2007 at 1:45 PM

This well deserves a Mr. Burns-type “Excellent.”

Anyone have the clip of alleged-Reverend Jesse Hijackson from 2000 when he said, “Stay out the Bushes.” Seems appropriate.

When the nefarious plot has come to fruition, I see Bush taking on the role of Montgomery Burns and saying to the ranchers, “You lose. Get off my property.”

Dr.Cwac.Cwac on August 28, 2007 at 1:45 PM

green-icide
damn filthy grassland!

Defector01 on August 28, 2007 at 1:48 PM

With carbon dioxide levels projected to increase sharply by the end of the century,

This worked well in the 80s because the end of the century was near, the chance of major technological breakthroughs were slim and we would all be here to witness the start of the next century. Now it’s kind of lame because the end of the century is nearly a century away and it is doubtful any of us will see the new century. I really had hopes for my grandchildren being smart but I guess that this is it. Humans have reached the pinnacle of science and technology and it is truly up to us to insure our decedents who will be unable to advance will survive.

jmarcure on August 28, 2007 at 1:48 PM

I should have used “Preview”

With carbon dioxide levels projected to increase sharply by the end of the century,

This worked well in the 80s because the end of the century was near, the chance of major technological breakthroughs were slim we would all be here to witness the start of the next century. Now it’s kind of lame because the end of the century is nearly a century away and it is doubtful any of us will survive to see the new century. I really had hopes for my grandchildren being smart but I guess that this is it. Humans have reached the pinnacle of science and technology and it is truly up to us to insure that our decedents, who will be unable to advance, will survive.

jmarcure on August 28, 2007 at 1:52 PM

Orwellian: one day we’re at war with Eastasia, the next we’re at war with Eurasia without skipping a beat.

Nosferightu on August 28, 2007 at 1:43 PM

It’s easier if you don’t resist…

You are getting sleepy.

JiangxiDad on August 28, 2007 at 1:52 PM

I knew it! Everytime I am out in the yard I knew something was watching me! It’s the hibiscus I’m telling ya!

Limerick on August 28, 2007 at 1:54 PM

Has anyone gotten through to Drudges africasia.com Siren link?

Stephen M on August 28, 2007 at 1:58 PM

Besides Rove smokes the stuff!

Dread Pirate Roberts VI on August 28, 2007 at 1:59 PM

You know ANY thread that includes a reference to Roger the Shrubber is a joy to behold for me.

Damn those shrubs!

tickleddragon on August 28, 2007 at 2:07 PM

Rising CO2 Levels Fueling Shrub Invasion – Discovery Channel

The Discovery Channel is surely more interested in politics than “science.” CO2 is what nearly all plants “breath” and increased levels are beneficial to the atmosphere, and would cause all plants to grow faster… NOT JUST SHRUBS. Here we have the perfect example of the Discovery Channel showing us just how dumb they think we are.

Maxx on August 28, 2007 at 2:14 PM

I’m sure we’ll get the entire Artemisia frigida fascist plot exposed in Loose Change 3: Shorter, Dumber and Now Ignoring The Twin Towers Altogether.

HAHA!!

Theworldisnotenough on August 28, 2007 at 2:17 PM

He doesn’t care, Bush will sit there and shrub his shoulders.

right2bright on August 28, 2007 at 2:27 PM

Curse you Bush! Unfit with criminally stripping dissenting Americans of their rights by bankrupting Air America, you are now invading international grasslands! Curse you BOOOOOOOOOSH!

Remember tin foil brigade folks. Bush. Is. Everywhere.

BKennedy on August 28, 2007 at 2:35 PM

He’s actually going to get a two-fer out of it Bry – 1) He’ll work to get get creds with PETA for helping drive the cattle business bankrupt. 2) The oilies won’t even buy the land, only lease the mineral rights at fire global-warming sale prices – doing what they can to spitefully “despoil” the land in the process for whomever comes after.

By the way, women and minorities will be disproportionately affected.

eeyore on August 28, 2007 at 2:39 PM

With the current track record for ecology/environmental/climate science, I would like to review the study that claims shrubs utilize CO2 better than other plants. I would also like to see why it was concluded that CO2 levels were the reason why these shrubs were more successfully.

It also points out that there are existing mechanism that regulate atmospheric CO2 levels, thus reducing the possibility of run away green house warming.

It also points out the myth held by liberal leftists that the environment is, what ever it is, at the time the liberal first noticed what it is, and that it never changes, except for human behavior.

(Ask a forester about ‘succession’)
Review the recent news from liberal environmentalists about Illinois grasslands reverting to forest because of the lack of grazing animals.

rockhauler on August 28, 2007 at 2:41 PM

With carbon dioxide levels projected to increase sharply by the end of the century, the findings have serious implications for the management of these open rangelands which cover about 40 percent of the Earth’s surface and are typically used to support livestock, the authors of the paper said.

I always like to read global warming screeds because they’re packed full of bona fide scientific facts.

Take the one above as an example. If 70% of the Earth’s surface is covered with water, and 40% is covered with open rangelands; what?, that leaves maybe 110% left for mountains, forests, wetlands, tundra, ice pack, desert, etc.

jaime on August 28, 2007 at 2:47 PM

Yeah, except livestock are a major GW driver (CH4, CO2, etc.) which may mean that Bush had to increase the GW gases to decrease the GW gases.

jaychandra on August 28, 2007 at 2:49 PM

Now we know what Molly Ivins meant when she called him “Shrub”.

Bigfoot on August 28, 2007 at 3:01 PM

Bush is intentionally letting CO2 levels rise to give the shrubs the upper hand. That’s why he didn’t sign the Kyoto Protocol. When he’s not as dumb as a stump, he has the devious mind of a super-villain.

Is this also why Clinton didn’t sign?

RightWinged on August 28, 2007 at 3:06 PM

Loose Change 33 1/3: The Final Pennies

think naked gun

Vincenzo on August 28, 2007 at 3:08 PM

Arthur: A WHAT?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery… or else you will never
pass through this wood… alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not too expensive.
Arthur; Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww….

lorien1973 on August 28, 2007 at 3:11 PM

C’mon guys, we can cut mankind’s CO2 production to negligible if we’ll all just do our part!

I’ve seen some studies, and “our part” is a 96% reduction in all CO2 from all sources. Sure you’ll lose heating for your house, electricity, and automobiles; but we’ll keep this grassland area shrub-free… and isn’t that what matters?

So, lets go back to pre-industrial agrarian farming communities with no mass communication, global trade, or economic growth. Because nothing shows a forward-looking policy more than taking civilization back four or five hundred years.

Who’s with me?

*crickets*

gekkobear on August 28, 2007 at 3:26 PM

Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is ‘Roger the Shrubber’. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

Mojack420 on August 28, 2007 at 3:36 PM

You mean emission trading has NOTHING to do with it?

Mazztek on August 28, 2007 at 3:41 PM

Yeah, except livestock are a major GW driver (CH4, CO2, etc.) which may mean that Bush had to increase the GW gases to decrease the GW gases.

jaychandra on August 28, 2007 at 2:49 PM

GW gases? Global Warming, or George W.? Or both? The dots have now been connected. The evidence was right before our eyes from the beginning. How could we have been so foolish.

Nosferightu on August 28, 2007 at 3:57 PM

The answer lies with the Goracle and the keepers of the sacred words like Ping and Nee-womm!!!!!

Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

We must appease the Goracle with ………

A SHRUBBERY!!!!!!!!
(loud minor chord)

Hening on August 28, 2007 at 4:22 PM

This is detestable, Discovery Channel and all of you should be ashamed, I’ve never seen such blatant shrubaphobia !!

Maxx on August 28, 2007 at 4:42 PM

Seriously…I love the name ‘Shrubfuhrer.”

E. M. on August 28, 2007 at 4:50 PM

Dear tickleddragon,

Any thread that offers the opportunity to mention Roger the Schrubber brings joy to my world, so a heartfelt NI!! to you, too, sir.

tree hugging sister on August 28, 2007 at 5:34 PM

Well his name is Bush.

infidel4life on August 28, 2007 at 5:51 PM

Thank God, I don’t have to mow my lawn any longer.

Zaire67 on August 28, 2007 at 6:21 PM

Clearcutting forests to create farmland and plains has always been “bad” for the enviornment. Now “woody plants” reclaiming plains from human activity is also “bad” for the enviornment? I guess we should just pave over everything with asphault then we wouldnt have these problems?

Resolute on August 28, 2007 at 7:06 PM

I am glad to see i wasn’t the only one that instantly flashed to Gorical says Ni

Mojack420 on August 28, 2007 at 8:23 PM

Is marijuana a grass or a shrub?

BL@KBIRD on August 28, 2007 at 9:32 PM