Government researchers developing “puke ray”

posted at 7:07 pm on August 6, 2007 by Allahpundit

Or, if you prefer, a puke “lightsaber.” Dial in the right wavelength and your enemy’s got only two choices: close his eyes and leave himself vulnerable or advance while ralphing all over himself.

They’re developing it specifically with illegal aliens in mind, as an alternative to Ramos-and-Compean-brand “justice.”

They’re also working on a larger model for use against crowds. Er, isn’t there already a superior alternative?

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Can you imagine how gobsmacked and full of heart-ache Sully would be if we used Tay Zonday on people?

Bad Candy on August 6, 2007 at 7:12 PM

The “Rainbow Yawn” Song.

Texyank on August 6, 2007 at 7:12 PM

The democrats already have puke machines.
They are called:
Pelosi
Reid
Kennedy
H. Clinton
and on and on ad nauseum (pun intended).

OBX Pete on August 6, 2007 at 7:14 PM

I think it would be Filled With Heart-Ache on your old Sully Freak-Out Advisory System, Allah.

Bad Candy on August 6, 2007 at 7:15 PM

A Tay-Zer?

Dork B. on August 6, 2007 at 7:15 PM

Dork B. on August 6, 2007 at 7:15 PM

Awful.

Bad Candy on August 6, 2007 at 7:16 PM

Reminds me of when the French experimented with low frequency sonic vibration to disperse rioters by…um…loosening their bowels.

Put both technologies together and next stop: Gaza!

HockeyTemper on August 6, 2007 at 7:21 PM

sick sticks from minority report

lorien1973 on August 6, 2007 at 7:23 PM

*ack* Four seconds into that video clip and I was “calling God on the big white phone”.

flipflop on August 6, 2007 at 7:24 PM

Is it shaped like a big finger?

Stormy70 on August 6, 2007 at 7:32 PM

Stormy70 on August 6, 2007 at 7:32 PM

No, like a small Rosie O’Donnell.

Bad Candy on August 6, 2007 at 7:36 PM

This is quite possibly the greatest blog post ever written.

John from OPFOR on August 6, 2007 at 7:36 PM

Great Bulemia Bulbs Batman! Unfortunately, permastoned hippies are likely immune to the nausea.

trubble on August 6, 2007 at 7:38 PM

Scientist are truly amazing! Being able to convert Bill’s chicken thighs, Hillary’s cankles and cleavage into some space aged wavicle form and then weaponize it, is awesome.

TheSitRep on August 6, 2007 at 7:42 PM

I have to go on record here. This Tay guy is cool, I can’t help but like him. He’s doing his thing, and posting it on YouTube. That takes guts. That guy is going through a stage that every good artist has to pass through; if he sticks with it, he can be great. If he has the right attitude, which it seems he does, he can pay enough of those dues until eventually, he’ll surprise a lot of people. But he seems so genuine and enthusiastic that I would encourage him if I met him. I hope the web isn’t too brutal with this guy, if I saw him end up on Best Week Ever or that Soup show I would feel bad for him, because his intentions seem admirable. And I know I posted a corny joke above, but honestly, I like this guy’s attitude.

Dork B. on August 6, 2007 at 7:46 PM

Hmmm.

Both are very good examples, but ABC has the original patent with ‘the view’.

locomotivebreath1901 on August 6, 2007 at 7:57 PM

We’ve been through this in the past. What is so note worthy about using a naked picture of Hillary to incapacitate someone?

csdeven on August 6, 2007 at 8:10 PM

Being hit with a LED pipe. Or should it be called a Chunder Stick?

andycanuck on August 6, 2007 at 8:15 PM

I know you guys give Tay a lot of crap, but that guy has a set of pipes on him that some would give their left arm for. He needs some voice lessons and he could be very pleasent to listen to.

csdeven on August 6, 2007 at 8:16 PM

No, like a small Rosie O’Donnell.

Bad Candy on August 6, 2007 at 7:36 PM

as if there is such a thing as a small Rosie.

Mojack420 on August 6, 2007 at 8:44 PM

What category of war porn would this
be under!

canopfor on August 6, 2007 at 9:00 PM

What’s wrong with Tay?

Christoph on August 6, 2007 at 9:26 PM

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m getting sick of Tay Zonday.

Mark V. on August 6, 2007 at 9:59 PM

Play some Babs Streisand while running clips from Jane Fonda’s workout vids. If they don’t puke from that then nothing will phase them.

thedecider on August 6, 2007 at 11:11 PM

Wouldn’t it be simpler to just hit people with a regular flashlight?

This sounds like something a Bond villain would employ right before 007 escaped and blew up the Swiss Alps headquarters.

Asher on August 6, 2007 at 11:21 PM

close his eyes and leave himself vulnerable or advance while ralphing all over himself.

Whoa! What did they do? Feed the poor guy a big lunch just before the test?

boomer on August 6, 2007 at 11:45 PM

Since I’m color blind, would I be immune? (To the puke ray).

DougC on August 6, 2007 at 11:51 PM

They’ll finally have something to replace the C-130 as “the vomit comet.”

BKennedy on August 7, 2007 at 3:47 AM

Picture a dozen Marines drinking ALL night and then making a 0600 PT call, the runs were often…colorful.

Engaging in this activity several times per week lead me to believe that the Vomit Ray would be a non factor. We actually performed pretty well while yacking all over ourselves, it just took some getting used to.

Alden Pyle on August 7, 2007 at 6:55 AM

Not to mention, Ted Kennedy would be impervious due to his highly advanced anti-bed-spins capacity that evolved during the development of his drinking superpowers.

Alden Pyle on August 7, 2007 at 6:58 AM

Use in highly populated areas could result in one big vomitorium.

Brat on August 7, 2007 at 9:18 AM

Or, as in “Stand By Me” it would be a Barf-A-Rama.

Brat on August 7, 2007 at 9:20 AM

Pretty cool but I like the ‘gay ray’ better. Imagine a bunch of jihadis all of a sudden they drop their AK’s and start raping each other! Well, I guess it isn’t rape if they let ‘em do it.

The French invented a ‘poop ray’? Awesome. Like Mr. Hockey said, mix it with our ‘puke ray’ … but let’s add it to the ‘gay ray’ and let the hilarity ensue! Hajji’s pukin’ and poopin’ all over each other as they make sweet, sweet Hajji love! Then our snipers can pick ‘em off easier … uh, just let ‘em finish first, it’s the humane thing to do.

Tony737 on August 7, 2007 at 9:21 AM

Now, if I can just learn which wavelengths are the most disorienting, I can make a fortune in the underworld, selling anti-puke sunglasses!

Kralizec on August 7, 2007 at 10:05 AM

This is quite possibly the greatest blog post ever written.

I’ll go one further. Best. Blog. Thread. EVAH.

I’m laughing my you-know-what off reading these posts. Puke is funny enough (I still chuckle when I think of the puke scene in Team America), add a weaponized puke ray and we’re talking comedy gold!

If 24 ever wanted to do a comedic season, this is the way to do it!

crazy_legs on August 7, 2007 at 11:44 AM

Reminds me of when the French experimented with low frequency sonic vibration to disperse rioters by…um…loosening their bowels.

Put both technologies together and next stop: Gaza!

HockeyTemper on August 6, 2007 at 7:21 PM

The search for the “Brown Note” was given up several years ago. Even Mythbusters took a stab at it, but no Depends were soiled.

Freelancer on August 7, 2007 at 3:56 PM

That smile at the end of his song is going to give me nightmares, for life.

KCtheKat on August 7, 2007 at 5:30 PM

A couple questions…

1) Can they make a big one & mount it on a helicopter? Seriously, you want crowd dispersal, start making everyone in a 20-foot circle upchuck… the crowd will move.

2) Please do not let them get out how they do this. I don’t want to know if a hacker with virus software can adjust a monitor refresh/color patterns to do this… don’t want to know.

gekkobear on August 7, 2007 at 6:51 PM