Video: The obligatory “convenience store ass-kicking” clip

posted at 1:06 pm on August 1, 2007 by Allahpundit

Via Ace and See-Dub. Congress is preparing to recess, reporters are going on vacation, and we won’t hear from Petraeus for another six weeks. August is officially here. And it’s looking as slow and dull as ever.

Thank heaven for the inexhaustible content supply that is crap video. By the end of the month, I expect we’ll have moved formally to an “all Tay Zonday, all the time” format. Look forward to it.

Exit question: Staged or real? I think it’s simply too darned awesome to be fake.

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One of the most satisfying videos ever.

DaveS on August 1, 2007 at 1:08 PM

Now that is an ass kicking of gigantic perportions. The kid should be showed this video every anniversary of the ass kicking to instill proper behavior in public

riccangolf on August 1, 2007 at 1:13 PM

he was there to chew bubble gum and kick ass; and he was all out of bubblegum.

lorien1973 on August 1, 2007 at 1:14 PM

It’s Awsomer !!! than awsome.

BowHuntingTexas on August 1, 2007 at 1:15 PM

Ah rats. Can’t see it at work, so I have to wait ’til I get home.

Darn.

Bob's Kid on August 1, 2007 at 1:15 PM

That was real. Good for the store owner, that punk actually got a lot less than he deserved.

Maxx on August 1, 2007 at 1:18 PM

He came running with Fists of Fury!

kiakjones on August 1, 2007 at 1:18 PM

Heh! He had the arm bar submission there when he was on top. All he had to do is push his hips against the kid’s tricept, throw his right leg over, slide down the poll, grab the wrist, lean back and push his hips forward. Good bye arm. I guess he did alright anyways though. Good stuff.

Zetterson on August 1, 2007 at 1:18 PM

Sorry,

Awesomer !!! than awesome.

BowHuntingTexas on August 1, 2007 at 1:19 PM

I think it’s fake. Why does a security camera keep moving around and randomly zooming in on the action. I think it was staged.

krabbas on August 1, 2007 at 1:20 PM

Motion sensitive auto pan, tilt, zoom at a convenience store?
I’m such a bumpkin.

Stephen M on August 1, 2007 at 1:21 PM

Definitely real. See the kids head popping back with each blow. Too good to be fake.

riccangolf on August 1, 2007 at 1:24 PM

krabbas on August 1, 2007 at 1:20 PM

Someone is using a video camera to tape it off the tv screen.

EnochCain on August 1, 2007 at 1:24 PM

Did they ever find the body or did they cut him into little pieces in the back?

peacenprosperity on August 1, 2007 at 1:26 PM

I think it’s fake. Why does a security camera keep moving around and randomly zooming in on the action. I think it was staged.

krabbas on August 1, 2007 at 1:20 PM

My BS detector is at 3 but I think I figured ou the panning and zooming. This is a video of a video. (i.e. like someone filming a TV screen)

Not sure why I can’t detect the scanning of the T.V. but I can see the frame of the terminal from 0:05 – 0:08 seconds.

12thman on August 1, 2007 at 1:27 PM

The little b*tch learned that there is no tapping out in real life.

When you get their head against the ground, your punches are on the order or 10X more effective.

As our young subject learned in this demo.

TheSitRep on August 1, 2007 at 1:28 PM

Yeah, obviously fake, because of the “random zooming.” Most definitely. Of course, there’s always a chance (however remote) this video was made by someone pointing a video camera at a monitor during playback of the surveillance video. Y’ think?

Splashman on August 1, 2007 at 1:30 PM

My favorite was the body slam! The flying kick intro came in second.

nottakingsides on August 1, 2007 at 1:30 PM

“Thereafter followed the most stupendous ass-wuppin’ that anybody had ever seen.”
— Dave Chappelle, “Keepin’ It Real”

mojo on August 1, 2007 at 1:31 PM

More Tay Zonday!!

Blake on August 1, 2007 at 1:32 PM

This video would be a lot better if someone added music to fit the mood.

frankj on August 1, 2007 at 1:34 PM

They processed him into kabobs later that day and sold him with with humus, tabouli and a nice whole wheat pita.

I say, whilst making slurping sounds.

TheSitRep on August 1, 2007 at 1:34 PM

August is officially here. And it’s looking as slow and dull as ever.

August is when all the European magazines publish photos of topless actresses, celebrities, just about anyone so long as they are female and topless. While they claim nudity is natural, they do seem obsessed with it.

Blake on August 1, 2007 at 1:35 PM

I think I saw this same video on “Maximum Exposure” awhile back (may explain your senerio their 12thman). I don’t remember it panning around on that show.

Awesome video thou that dum kid got straight OWNED. He is dam lucky that the teller didn’t just step out and put a few rounds in his chest.

C-Low on August 1, 2007 at 1:37 PM

This video would be a lot better if someone added music to fit the mood.

frankj on August 1, 2007 at 1:34 PM

How about, “Ride of the valkyries”?

TheSitRep on August 1, 2007 at 1:39 PM

Thank you! Come again!

morganfrost on August 1, 2007 at 1:39 PM

I think the camera was being hand-held from behind a security window…. you know…. one of those windows that look like a mirror from inside the store, because you see the frame of the window several times.

Maxx on August 1, 2007 at 1:40 PM

How about Tay Zonday robbing a convenience store? With robots!

It’s gonna be a looong month…

I’m waiting for Tay to do some Tiny Tim covers myself…

JetBoy on August 1, 2007 at 1:41 PM

(cross-commenting – I feel sexy!)

gah, I’m back at work and can’t watch it again. So, a question, and a theory.

Does the camera movement end after the guy goes all Bruce Lee on the asshole? Cause it looked like a ceiling mounted PTZ (pan tilt zoom) camera.

With newer DVR security systems, it’s very common to provide a set of controls that lets you reposition the camera. I am guessing Kwai Chang Caine was an employee (or owner) in the back room, using that control until he decided he’d had enough of this guy trashing his store, and came out to deliver the A-1 smackdown. His picking up stuff after beating this asshole to the ground seems to indicate that.

I suppose the guy behind the counter could have operated the camera during round 4, so I guess the thing to look for is “does the camera move when you can see both store guys”?

Just a theory.

daveintexas on August 1, 2007 at 1:41 PM

A textbook example of the efficient and most efficient use of the uppercut. Oh and feather duster.

Picking up pummeled punk and slamming on the floor mid beating -10 Points

Fixing store merchandise while dispensing said beating -10

I also give the “hero” 10 Points for almost near perfect execution of the opening chest kick.

Dragging the poster boy for mini-mart beatdown how-to’s off camera to possibly administer “double top secret beatdown” – 10 Points

The only point deduction I see is that the “hero” calmly removed his jacket where he could have shredded off himself and gone all “Incredible Hulk” on the guy.

Bravo!!!

186k on August 1, 2007 at 1:41 PM

I think the highlight was when he tore off his coat, chucked it, turned around and planted a solid kick straight to the face. That put a smile on my face.

Zetterson on August 1, 2007 at 1:45 PM

It’s obvious someone is filming a tv monitor of the survellance system – you can even see it at 1:10 into it – look at the right hand of the screen, you can see the control panel – clock, fast forward, rewind etc play buttons.

Garet

garetjax on August 1, 2007 at 1:46 PM

Best watched while listening to the sound track from 300.

Zaire67 on August 1, 2007 at 1:48 PM

Man, that store owner was like a swarthy ninja.

JohnW on August 1, 2007 at 1:48 PM

Staged? No.

If you’ve ever been on the either side of this type of ass whoopin, you are not calling this staged.

This guy did his job. I think he could have broken the guys jaw, maybe cracked a rib, hopefully his sternum. Not a bad workout.

The Race Card on August 1, 2007 at 1:53 PM

The only point deduction I see is that the “hero” calmly removed his jacket where he could have shredded off himself and gone all “Incredible Hulk” on the guy.

I don’t care where you from – that there was funny.

subbottomfeeder on August 1, 2007 at 1:54 PM

This is real. The panning and zooming is very strong evidence that it all happened, and not the opposite. You can see that it is a hand-held video recording, not of the event itself, but of a security video monitor (the border of the monitor is visible at times, and so is a control pad). This video was not meant for the public, but someone who had access wanted us all to see. I shared the doubters opinion that “this is a hand-held video, it’s fake!” until the images of the monitor became clear, then I was convinced of the opposite. It’s real.

G. Charles on August 1, 2007 at 1:54 PM

How about, “Ride of the valkyries”?

carmina burana. Come on. That song is much better.

lorien1973 on August 1, 2007 at 1:58 PM

Heard over the PA right before the ass kicken started:

http://www.moviesoundclips.net/movies1/max3/dying.wav

Zaire67 on August 1, 2007 at 2:07 PM

As much as I enjoy a well deserved ass-whoopin, and trust me I’ve wanted to do this myself.
Once that kid was on the ground and helpless he became a victim. He will probably sue and win. That is; once he gets out of the hospital ward!

TallTim on August 1, 2007 at 2:11 PM

Reminds me of this…

Mazztek on August 1, 2007 at 2:13 PM

As much as I enjoy a well deserved ass-whoopin, and trust me I’ve wanted to do this myself.
Once that kid was on the ground and helpless he became a victim. He will probably sue and win. That is; once he gets out of the hospital ward!

TallTim on August 1, 2007 at 2:11 PM

Isn’t that what the “erase” button is for? :)

Guardian on August 1, 2007 at 2:21 PM

Why would you screw with someone who has a “sh*t” job? Man, he took out some serious frustration on that drunk punk.

I loved when he dragged him out of the camera sight line. Sent my imagination into a freefall.

Thank you, Allah……though I am sure I was minutes from finding this gem myself.

ej_pez on August 1, 2007 at 2:22 PM

See, THIS is what Faith Hill should have done to that woman who grabbed her husband’s testicles in that video you guys posted yesterday!

radjah shelduck on August 1, 2007 at 2:26 PM

The kid should be thankful he’s not one of Michael Vick’s dogs.

swami on August 1, 2007 at 2:33 PM

The kid should be thankful he’s not one of Michael Vick’s dogs.

swami on August 1, 2007 at 2:33 PM

Ha!

Zetterson on August 1, 2007 at 2:40 PM

Motion sensitive auto pan, tilt, zoom at a convenience store?
I’m such a bumpkin.

Stephen M on August 1, 2007 at 1:21 PM

Crummy pan/tilt/zoom video camera.

saiga on August 1, 2007 at 2:42 PM

I worked retail for five years and wanted to do this to every piss-ant shoplifter that walked through our doors. If the wanna-be thugs knew there was an ass-kicking waiting for them in every shop they thought to terrorize there’d be fewer of them to go around.

ConfigSys.boy on August 1, 2007 at 2:54 PM

Definitely, it was taped from a monitor, that is why all the zooming

Ropera on August 1, 2007 at 2:59 PM

Heh! He had the arm bar submission there when he was on top. All he had to do is push his hips against the kid’s tricept, throw his right leg over, slide down the poll, grab the wrist, lean back and push his hips forward. Good bye arm. I guess he did alright anyways though. Good stuff.

Zetterson on August 1, 2007 at 1:18 PM

I was just about to say. He could’ve worked the guy over onto his stomach for the rear naked choke also. But anyways, it’s much more satisfying for the crowd(us) if you finish with your fists.

Good takedown. The punchee went right from the plumb to the floor in kind of a Thai throw.

No way was that fake.

PRCalDude on August 1, 2007 at 3:01 PM

Oh, man. I almost peed myself reading the comments. But, really? The 7-11 Ninja guy could’ve really busted that punk up bad. He was defenseless, and the guy actually went easy on him. There wasn’t even any blood on the floor. Very merciful.

Jaibones on August 1, 2007 at 3:01 PM

I work in a grocery store in a bad neighborhood, and I can see this happening. I agree with TallTim though, that the beating the guy gave was excessive.

But I wouldn’t have waited as long as they did. The kid would have been done the first time he smacked the stuff on the counter.

Jezla on August 1, 2007 at 3:02 PM

Clerks 3: Don’t F*** With Randall!

thejackal on August 1, 2007 at 3:07 PM

What’s great is how he finally pulled the guy out of camera range. No doubt to tend to his injuries.

All in all, I think the ‘customer’ was likely just drunk.

Labamigo on August 1, 2007 at 3:16 PM

When you get to take off your jacket while giving a whooping, you won. That was classy. “I’m getting hot, hold on, smack!!”

Do all convenience stores have one of those guys in the back room? I better watch my step.

Hening on August 1, 2007 at 3:19 PM

Why would you screw with someone who has a “sh*t” job? Man, he took out some serious frustration on that drunk punk.

Job. I bet the guy owned the store. You don’t mess with someone’s money.

peacenprosperity on August 1, 2007 at 3:26 PM

See, THIS is what Faith Hill should have done to that woman who grabbed her husband’s testicles in that video you guys posted yesterday!

radjah shelduck on August 1, 2007 at 2:26 PM

That would have been classic!

“Very *pop* dis *pop* respectful! *pop**pop**pop*”

baldilocks on August 1, 2007 at 3:36 PM

I guess in looking at it, it does seem to be a recording of the tv playing the tape. That would explain the shakiness and the zooming.

Pretty damn awesome!

krabbas on August 1, 2007 at 3:44 PM

How long do you suppose it will be before the so-called “criminal justice system” releases this guy?
Just in case he hasn’t learned his lesson, I want to make sure that my trunk monkey is ready with the tire iron.

CyberCipher on August 1, 2007 at 4:05 PM

You guys are all whooping it up at the skinny white guy getting the sh!t beat out of him. Ummm, I’m betting that there “hero” would sh!t his pants if a 6’2″ 200lb black dude from the Crips or Bloods was standing there. Anyone care to take a bet???

Andy in Agoura Hills on August 1, 2007 at 4:36 PM

You guys are all whooping it up at the skinny white guy getting the sh!t beat out of him. Ummm, I’m betting that there “hero” would sh!t his pants if a 6′2″ 200lb black dude from the Crips or Bloods was standing there. Anyone care to take a bet???

Andy in Agoura Hills on August 1, 2007 at 4:36 PM

I would say in most cases there is a inverse relationship between the size/meanness of the robber and the courage of the store owner. Human nature. Or perhaps just common sense.

Zetterson on August 1, 2007 at 4:50 PM

Man, that store owner was like a swarthy ninja.

I just found the name for my new band! Thanks! I am laughing so hard, my dogs are all giving me that confused, tilted head look.

robblefarian on August 1, 2007 at 5:03 PM

“store owner” is not a good name for a band.

see-dubya on August 1, 2007 at 5:26 PM

All he had to do is push his hips against the kid’s tricept, throw his right leg over, slide down the poll, grab the wrist, lean back and push his hips forward. Good bye arm

Yes, YOU TOO can learn secret techniques of the ninja, HOT AIR STYLE!

tlynch001 on August 1, 2007 at 5:35 PM

This definitely makes up for all the stupid vids that AP posts.

csdeven on August 1, 2007 at 5:38 PM

heh

Jaibones on August 1, 2007 at 5:45 PM

I enjoyed how the feather duster was offered, briefly considered, then decisively rejected as an implement not conducive to the ass kicking process.

Blacklake on August 1, 2007 at 6:12 PM

Livelink blocked. ugh…

clghitis on August 1, 2007 at 6:19 PM

I enjoyed how the feather duster was offered, briefly considered, then decisively rejected as an implement not conducive to the ass kicking process.
Blacklake on August 1, 2007 at 6:12 PM

ROFL

Resolute on August 1, 2007 at 6:46 PM

Excellent punk punchin! He’s not the store owners personal bitch to do with as he pleases!

sabbott on August 1, 2007 at 7:19 PM

Was that a intel session at Gitmo?

Tim Burton on August 1, 2007 at 7:22 PM

CHOCOLATE RAIN!!! History running through your veins

bigbeas on August 1, 2007 at 7:26 PM

Exit question: Staged or real?

Who would think that was staged?

Opinionnation on August 1, 2007 at 7:51 PM

Behave yourself!

Frozen Tex on August 1, 2007 at 8:05 PM

Looked like the punk got locked in the store until the enforcer arrived. Although I agree the punk deserved a severe beating, once he was unconcious I think kung foo guy went overboard trying to turn him into a paraplegic. Two broken arms, two broken legs, and a broken jaw should be plenty. You can only wonder what happened to the comotose kid once he was dragged by the hair out of sight of the camera for the more severe “anti-theft” treatment. The disabled punk’s family will own the store if they get a good lawyer.

Texas Mike on August 1, 2007 at 9:06 PM

It’s a hand held camcorder shot of the security system playback video screen.

Egfrow on August 1, 2007 at 9:17 PM

The punk got just what he deserved! This 711 Warrior wasn’t just beating up that one punk,, he was beating up every punk robber that ever entered a 711 throughout all of time!! He got to do what we all wished we could do every time we turn on the news or pick up the paper and read about some innocent old lady or 13 year old getting robbed or assaulted! I admit it felt really good watching! We all enjoyed it because it was such a rare sight! I particularly enjoyed the drawn out suspense in the beginning. It made you appreciate the whipping that much more! If the guy gets sued, someone ought to set up a defense fund! In fact,, maybe even a college fund for his kids! If he’s not married he needs to be encouraged to get married and procreate! His family line needs to be preserved!

JellyToast on August 1, 2007 at 10:57 PM

Why would you screw with someone who has a “sh*t” job? Man, he took out some serious frustration on that drunk punk.

Ummm, I think that’d rather be the righteous fury of a franchisee. Never mess with a franchisee from the other side of the world. I remember when I lived in Oakland in the ’80’s, when the Vietnamese, and Laotians who had come in as boat people, were finally moving up the ladder, and beginning to own 7-11’s with increasing frequency. Let me tell you, the local hoods thought twice before messing with these guys. They just were too culturally ignorant to know that they were supposed to be intimidated by some young blood with a blade. They would have to bring a gun or forget it.

smellthecoffee on August 2, 2007 at 1:07 AM

You guys are all whooping it up at the skinny white guy getting the sh!t beat out of him.

YUP!

Ummm, I’m betting that there “hero” would sh!t his pants if a 6′2″ 200lb black dude from the Crips or Bloods was standing there.

Duh-um-yeah, so aside from stating the obvious, your point is. . .?

smellthecoffee on August 2, 2007 at 1:12 AM

Having worked store Security I can see this happening. And although merited, the moron could very easily sue and win. NEVER do street justice on a video .

I wonder though, if it was a cop administering the beating, would it still be so funny?

wolfva on August 2, 2007 at 4:24 AM

Management candidate for my local WalMart.

saved on August 2, 2007 at 7:14 AM

I wonder though, if it was a cop administering the beating, would it still be so funny?

No,, it would not be as funny,, but, it would still be justice! What do you think would have happened to this thug 50 years ago,, a 100 years ago or any other time in our history if he had tried the same thing on the corner market? He probably would have been shot dead, or a crowd would have beat him to a bloody pulp! The average guy watching this video knows in his gut the thug got justice! The average guy that watches this video enjoys it for the very fact we seldom see such deserving justice being handed out in such a deserving way so quickly! Whether or not this guy gets sued,, whether or not this 711 Warrior is an angel in real life or skunk himself,, for a few moments none of that matters,, because for a few moments we all got to watch as a stinking no good punk who wanted to rob, steal and destroy got just what he deserved! One of the very persons he wanted to terrorize did not cooperate! Somebody rose up! Somebody took a risk! Somebody showed a little courage and fought back! They did not follow the line to just lay down and allow the thug to step on their necks! And you know who rose up?? It was a man!! It wasn’t a woman! It wasn’t some old lady with an umbrella or some 12 year old little girl! It was a man! A man stood up and stepped out and taught some young punk kid a serious life lesson! And when the man did fight back,, it showed the punk thug for who he really was!! A stinking no good coward crybaby laying in a fetal position on the floor probably begging for mercy!! And you know what!!?? It was a glorious thing to watch!! I make no apologies for enjoying it!

JellyToast on August 2, 2007 at 8:05 AM