Finally: Infidelity offsets now available

posted at 10:54 am on March 14, 2007 by Allahpundit

It’s the only socially conscious way to properly compensate for your, um, emissions.

I’m almost afraid to ask, but ask I shall: what would be the anatomical equivalent here of one’s “carbon footprint”?

At Cheatneutral, we believe that we should all try to reduce the amount we cheat on our partners, but we also realise that fidelity isn’t always possible.

That’s why we help you neutralise your cheating. Your actions are offset by a global network of fidelity, developed by us. By paying Cheatneutral, you’re funding monogamy-boosting offset projects – we simply invest the money you give us in monogamous, faithful or just plain single people, to encourage them to stay that way.

There’s a place where singles can sign up to be a “project,” too.

For the record, the site’s a parody. 99% of you will have figured that out already, but there’s always that dopey 1% that needs to be formally notified of the joke.

Exit question poll: The battle is lost!

Update: If CheatNeutral’s looking for places to invest

Breaking on Hot Air

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Comments

I’m almost afraid to ask, but ask I shall: what would be the anatomical equivalent here of one’s “carbon footprint”?

Personally, for me, that would be my “wang crater.”

Savage on March 14, 2007 at 11:03 AM

I have to give you credit Allah your pics are great!

Theworldisnotenough on March 14, 2007 at 11:04 AM

Was that picture of Clinton taken the last time he looked Vince Foster in the eyes?

fogw on March 14, 2007 at 11:06 AM

That site is pure genius. Can you direct me to a site where I can purchase some Nicotine and Cholesterol offsets? I’m going on vacation soon and I think I may need them…

robblefarian on March 14, 2007 at 11:07 AM

If you register it sends you enviro drivel about how you can help the wackos get the “message” out.

bbz123 on March 14, 2007 at 11:08 AM

Oh….it’s a joke. I was gonna tell my wife.

vcferlita on March 14, 2007 at 11:11 AM

Didn’t they used to call these “Indulgences“?

E L Frederick (Sniper One) on March 14, 2007 at 11:16 AM

put these up later in the day… after I’ve had my first… or second… cup of coffee. I was almost the .1 %…

Mazztek on March 14, 2007 at 11:19 AM

bbz123 on March 14, 2007 at 11:08 AM

I was going to register just for the helluvit with one of my throwaway email accounts; now I’m glad I didn’t. Amusing spoof though.

dalewalt on March 14, 2007 at 11:21 AM

I think this must be related to that sperm bank robbery video.

windbag on March 14, 2007 at 11:28 AM

At least our schools here are taking steps to make sure our kids find alternate methods of satisfaction.

Does this country have any hope at all?

Gregor on March 14, 2007 at 11:30 AM

These offsets would be great for college kids. I afraid I am way past that stage. At my stage in life I need POM credits. (POM is the disease my husband says I suffer from; pi** off money.)

bopbottle on March 14, 2007 at 11:40 AM

Allah, I think the equivalent would be “protein stain.”

Bad Candy on March 14, 2007 at 11:41 AM

Allah, I think the equivalent would be “protein stain.”

Bad Candy on March 14, 2007 at 11:41 AM

Blue Dress on Ebay?

E L Frederick (Sniper One) on March 14, 2007 at 11:44 AM

Was that picture of Clinton taken the last time he looked Vince Foster in the eyes?

fogw on March 14, 2007 at 11:06 AM

Ouch! Good one.

ej_pez on March 14, 2007 at 11:44 AM

Allah, I think the equivalent would be “protein stain.”

Bad Candy on March 14, 2007 at 11:41 AM

Blue Dress on Ebay?

EL, that wouldn’t be the case if he had bought a Protein Stain Offset, that dress would’ve just hit the dry cleaners, and he would have been free to philander for another day.

Bad Candy on March 14, 2007 at 11:49 AM

Blue Dress, low miles, taken out on weekends, only drooled on once…

E L Frederick (Sniper One) on March 14, 2007 at 11:51 AM

Allah, you are the king.

amerpundit on March 14, 2007 at 11:52 AM

“The situation is dismal,” said Mr Kitamura, who blamed long working hours for his compatriots’ limp libido. “My research shows that if you don’t have sex for a month, you probably won’t have it for a year.”

It’s like the joke about the researcher who wants to investigate his thesis that happiness and frequency of sex are correlated. The study goes well, but there’s one guy who’s incredibly happy but reports he has sex only once a year. When the researcher asks how he could be so happy, the man replies, “Tonight’s the night!”

Attila (Pillage Idiot) on March 14, 2007 at 12:00 PM

From the sites Projects page: We at Cheatneutral are committed to saving relationships, promoting fidelity, and making people feel good about themselves. Our projects have a great success rate.

LOL Promoting fidelity by rewarding infidelity. That sounds like HillaryCare.

RedinBlueCounty on March 14, 2007 at 12:00 PM

MSM should have to donate to LiberalNeutral daily and by the millions.

Obama got his Muslim offsets at his black separatist church.

SilkyPony needs to buy some Breck offsets (hair spray CO2 emmissions are a little inconvenient)

faraway on March 14, 2007 at 12:14 PM

Now THIS is a great parody! Kind of a low rate for “cheating” though… only 2 and a half pounds? That’s a pretty cheap indulgence!

Vanceone on March 14, 2007 at 12:18 PM

Was that picture of Clinton taken the last time he looked Vince Foster in the eyes?

He might wanna put some ice on that.

saint kansas on March 14, 2007 at 12:18 PM

Off topic, perhaps, but is blackpeopleloveus.com the best parody ever?

Classic allahpundit.com excepted, of course.

saint kansas on March 14, 2007 at 12:23 PM

but there’s always that dopey 1% that needs to be formally notified of the joke.

I thought this was real :)

Savage, “personally, for me” is redundant :)

what would be the anatomical equivalent here of one’s “carbon footprint”?

Jimmy Carter – Heart images
Bill Clinton – Cigar passages
Fidel and Hugo – Baton highways (entire populace)
All Other – Dalliance footprints

Mr. Gore’s documentary will be renamed “An Inconvenient Exaggeration”; however, he will be forever credited for any-offsets and mega endorphin release.

Entelechy on March 14, 2007 at 12:27 PM

For the record, the site’s a parody. 99% of you will have figured that out already, but there’s always that dopey 1% that needs to be formally notified of the joke.

So how do we notify all the people who don’t realize that “carbon indulgences offsets” are a joke too?

ReubenJCogburn on March 14, 2007 at 12:34 PM

Update: If CheatNeutral’s looking for places to invest…

Must… Resist… Bawdy… Japanese… Pop Culture.. Joke…

Gaaaahhh!

Ok. I’m better now.

Hmm… I wonder if Bryan or Allah will sell me lewd-joke offsets?

wearyman on March 14, 2007 at 1:16 PM

I wonder if this might have anything to do with Japanese infatuation with cartoon porn. They’re getting addicted to something that doesn’t exist.

In the U.S. we’re drawn to photos of Jessica Alba, Selma Hayek, and Eva Longoria. How do Japanese woman get the attention of men who fantasize about cartoons?

Just saying.

Gregor on March 14, 2007 at 1:30 PM

Are there any oral/anal contact credits as well?

benrand on March 14, 2007 at 1:45 PM

I wonder if this might have anything to do with Japanese infatuation with cartoon porn. They’re getting addicted to something that doesn’t exist.
Gregor on March 14, 2007 at 1:30 PM

You beat me to it Gregor. And a lot of the girls in anime are made to look like pre-pubescents. It seems pretty sick, but it’s definitely enermously popular in Japan. Even their regular porn tends to focus on the underage schoolgirl schtick quite a bit.

forged rite on March 14, 2007 at 1:56 PM

You beat me to it Gregor. And a lot of the girls in anime are made to look like pre-pubescents. It seems pretty sick, but it’s definitely enermously popular in Japan. Even their regular porn tends to focus on the underage schoolgirl schtick quite a bit.

forged rite on March 14, 2007 at 1:56 PM

I think they like the amine because all of the real stuff has that digitized mask stuff.

brtex on March 14, 2007 at 2:01 PM

That site is great and makes the point.

I have created http://www.CelebrityCarbonOffset.com and a blog ( http://www.CelebrityCarbonOffset.com/blog )to go with it for us common folk to buy and SEND OFFSETS TO the rich and famous – it’s so they can grow switch grass on their estates. And I really have the seeds. But again – it’s mostly to just make a point, heh heh.

Sticky Notes on March 14, 2007 at 3:23 PM

I want my Helen Thomas offset!

PinkyBigglesworth on March 14, 2007 at 3:57 PM

seejanemom…do you live in NYC? I’m sure not as you would be asking the question that you posed, of BOTH Rudy and Donna. They were BOTH guilty of straying off the matrimonial path so if you are going to lay on the blame, do it with a big enough spatula to cover them both.

DoctorDentons on March 14, 2007 at 4:07 PM

Does Hillarys carpet munching constitute cheating? Depends on the meaning of the word “chEAT”.

roninacreage on March 14, 2007 at 6:08 PM

I wonder if this might have anything to do with Japanese infatuation with cartoon porn. They’re getting addicted to something that doesn’t exist.
Gregor on March 14, 2007 at 1:30 PM

You beat me to it Gregor. And a lot of the girls in anime are made to look like pre-pubescents. It seems pretty sick, but it’s definitely enermously popular in Japan. Even their regular porn tends to focus on the underage schoolgirl schtick quite a bit.

forged rite on March 14, 2007 at 1:56 PM

I think they like the amine because all of the real stuff has that digitized mask stuff.

brtex on March 14, 2007 at 2:01 PM

You guys seem to be quite the experts on this stuff – really hope you don’t share your keyboards with others.

Bradky on March 15, 2007 at 9:20 AM

Does Hillarys carpet munching constitute cheating? Depends on the meaning of the word “chEAT”.

roninacreage on March 14, 2007 at 6:08 PM

And this assertion is from which credible source?

Bradky on March 15, 2007 at 9:22 AM

In anticipation of St Patty’s day I am offering my friends here a unique way of enjoying the indulgences and keeping a clear conscience.

For a limited time, I am offering Sobriety Offsets, which, for a fee based on the level of your consumption, allows you to indulge/abuse alcohol, reduce your etoh footprint, and most importantly, lecture other drunks about their indulgences with complete moral authority.

I am accepting all major credit cards and Paypal.

bloviator on March 15, 2007 at 1:12 PM