“Lets invade Canada.. They need the excitement.”

Hmmmm. Let’s see. Don’t we still owe Canada for our defeat at their hand during the war of 1812?

How would the op order for that look, anyway?…..

——-

FROM: POTUS
TO: Girl Scout Troop 413 (”The Bluebird Borne”)
SUBJECT: OP ORDER FOR THE CONQUEST OF CANADA TO EXPAND CANADA INTO OUR EMPIRE.

Task Organization:
GS Troop 413 from Minneapolis, MN will be the primary assault force. Code name: Valkyrie.

Greater Minneapolis School District will provide the Bluebird buses for transport. Code name: Busman.

WeatherChannel will provide radar-weather surveillence. Code name: Weatherguessers

15 USAF C-17 will provide airlift: Code name: Santa Claus.

I. Situation:
1) An obnoxious situtation exists north of the United States of America border in a country formally named CANADA, but more popularly known as CANUCKISTAN. Hockey playing, back-bacon, beer guzzling devotes of the McKenzie Brothers have turned the northern part of the North American Continent into a breeding place. Besides stinking up North America with noisy beer farts, CANUCKISTANIS have a holier-than-thou demeaner totally unjustified to their place as menial servants to America.

2) CANUCKISTANI citizens visit the USA, populate our newsgroups, and generally make asses of themselves with their mispronounciation of words ending in “out” and their funny spelling habits.

3) The current CANUCKISTAN government is rife with subsidized beer importing into the United States, threatening our native beer brewing industries. In addition, CANUCKISTAN represents an immediate threat to the national security of the United States because of the possibility of western CANUCKISTAN splitting the confederation and seeking union with the United States, even though we don’t want them as part of the United States. The third fact is that too many kewl TV shows are made in CANUCKISTAN, causing labor stress in Hollywoodland. Strike that last, that’s not a good reason after all.

4) CANUCKISTAN must be taught a lesson about messing with their betters south of their border, especially Texans.

A: Enemy Forces:
1) Weather: Winter weather persists over North America. Snow, winds, sub-freezing temperatures cover most of CANUKISTAN at this time of the year. Valkyrie personnel will be need to be equiped with galoshes and mittons and other appropriate cold weather gear.

2) Terrain: Terrain varies. Artic snowfields, heavily wooded forests, rural, and Garbage Dumps in side certain urban areas intermixed with Eskimo reservations and seal killing fields covered in yukky blood and baby seal fur.

3) Enemy order of battle: 4 obsolete submarines, rusting at pier, a dozen or so rusting rowboats referred to as “The Canadian Navy” (giggle), 2 battalions of fellas and gals who march in close order swarming about semi-precision, most of whom are out of the country right now, 4 squadrons of CF18 fighters with airsick crews. Not much else to worry about.

4) Location of enemy: Entire North American Continent north of US borders. Specific location to be determined by (a) beef-fart smell, and (b) empty beer cans on the snow.

5) Current Enemy Activity: Lying around, farting, eating back-bacon from Scooby-Doo lunchboxes, watching CANUCKISTANI version of “Girls Gone Wild” and “Best of Beer Fart Lighting” contests on TV. Enemy is not watching agression-suppressing Canadian Football due to end of US (i.e., ‘Real’) football season.

6) Strength: None. Canuckistanis are known to be beer-farting back-bacon eaters (koo-kookookoo-KooKooKoo) who, when not lighting their farts, still think it is 1812 and that we give a damn.

7) Probable course of enemy action: Retreat in the face of superior Valkyrie forces, while begging for mercy at having to eat “Thin Mint” weapons.

B. Friendly forces:
1) Busman, which will provide transportation and logistics. Weatherguesser which will provide weather forecasts and advance warning for use of galoshes and mittens. Santa Claus will provide heavy airlift and palletized cases of “Thin Mint” weapons.

2) Adjacent units: None. Valkyrie will not need support units at this time.

3) Fire support: Santa Claus will provide resupply of airdropped GS Cookies, type “Thin Mint.”

C: Attachments: None

D: Detachments: None

II. Misson:
Valkyrie is tasked with the brutal conquest of the country known as CANUCKISTAN or CANADA within the time frame specified (45 minutes).

A. Concept of operation: Valkyrie will line up at the US border (point AA) will proceed north of the border into the major “cities” known as “Toronto, home of Second City” “Quebec,” “Montreal,” “Ottawa,” “Vancouver,” (OBJ) and conquer the people of CANUCKISTAN using fire and maneuver. Floor games and 7-UP breaks will be limited no more than 15 minutes as per unit SOP. Conquered CANUCKISTANI population will be given Wal-Mart blue vests and floor mops with instructions to clean the floors at US Wal-Mart estabilishements.

1. Maneuver: Busman will transport Valkyrie to staging points. Santa Claus will drop pallets of GS Cookie “Thin Mint” outside OBJ, and resupply when necessary. Valkyrie will enter “cities” and position themselves on street corners and in front of retail outlets and proceed to sell cookies.

2. Fires: Valkyrie will direct fire (”Thin Mints”) upon enemy resistance until enemy surrenders or runs in fear or from indigestion caused by transfat-less “Mints comma Thin.”

B: Tasks to maneuver units: Get Valkyrie from AA to OBJ. Act as repository for mittons and galoshes.

C: Tasks to combat support units: Resupply of “Thin Mints” as necessary.

D: Coordinating Instructions: Kick CANUCKISTANI butts if they look crosseyed at Valkyrie girls, those McKenzie Bros are pervs. Use jump ropes to tie insurgents to street lights if necessary.

IV. Service Support:
A. General: Standard support SOP will be in effect at all times.

B. Supply: One case of 7-UP and 3 jump ropes will be provided for Valkyrie for R&R.

C. Medical Evacuation; None projected. CANUCKISTANIS are known to have been disarmed by their government as well as being beer farters. Provision for dealing with beer-fart burns from lighting should be undertaken.

D. EPW Personnel: EPW will be given blue Wal-Mart vests and name tags and told to mop the floors of Wal-Mart stores throughout North America. Wal-Mart management will assume responsibility upon EPW turnover.

E. Misc:
1. Special Equipment: “Thin Mint” cookies (expired, transfat) for heavy bombardment. “Thin Mint” cookies (transfat-free) for small unit engagement. Cases of 7-UP for entertainment and R&R time. Satellite radio for signals.

V. Command and Signal:
Command and control will operate out of POTUS White House Situation Room. Signal to be maintained via XM Disney, XM Satellite Radio channel.

A. Command: POTUS, White House.

B. Signal:
1. Frequencies: XM115 (The XM Disney Channel)

2. Method: XM Radio downloaded to belt-mounted receiver.

3. Pyrotechnics and signals: Middle finger to be issued by POTUS to Maple Leafs when CANUCKISTAN is conquered.

4. Codewords: “YEEHAW!” and “DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS!”

5. Challenge and Password (behind friendly lines): Challenge: “What about Canada?” Response: “WHO?”

6. Challenge and Password (forward friendly lines): Challenge: “Whose your daddy, Canuck?” Response: “YOU ARE GS 413!”

7. Running Password: “Hockey is a game for pooftahs.”

8. Recognition signals: Dark Green sash over tan blouse and skirt.

9. Special Instructions for RTO: Play lots of Mandy Moore.

End.

Execute order upon POTUS signal. Your signal is “I miss my SCTV.”

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Required disclosure: Apologies to a poster on usenet whose material I cheerfully stole and modified.

georgej on March 3, 2007 at 4:37 AM