Strip away the FX, the opening fanfare, and the knights/cowboys/space Nazis mythic context, and what’s left? A sci-fi B-picture so cheesy and incoherent, you can practically see the Mystery Science Theater 3000 silhouette overlay. The shot of the Tusken Raider waving his spear could be spliced into “Manos: Hands of Fate” without missing a beat.

And the narration? Gold.

Whatever they paid you, John Williams, it wasn’t enough.