Chuck Norris facts analyzed — by Chuck Norris

posted at 11:04 pm on October 25, 2006 by Allahpundit

And used as a jumping-off point to praise Jesus!

Roundhouse kick to Satan’s face:

While I have as much fun as anyone else reading and quoting them, let’s face it, most “Chuck Norris Facts” describe someone with supernatural, superhuman powers. They’re describing a superman character. And in the history of this planet, there has only been one real Superman. It’s not me…

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.” It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: It’s not real. It is not the way we got here…

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: “Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever.”

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.

“His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.”

I defy you to tell me this isn’t an Onion parody.

Update: Wikipedia’s suspicious, too.

Breaking on Hot Air



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hahahahh that’s from Maddox’s book isn’t it? “The Alphabet of Manliness.” Greatest book ever written. Honesty, if anyone doesn’t own that book you need to go buy it NOW! ;]

dynospectrum on October 26, 2006 at 3:42 PM

Considering the man is a devout evangelical I wouldnt be surprised if he DID write that. Not saying he did but it wouldn’t be completely out of character for him.

One Angry Christian on October 26, 2006 at 3:48 PM

I might be a little more impressed with Norris’ Christian status if he hadn’t divorced his wife of 30 years and then married a blonde model/actress/bimbo a quarter-century younger.

Do we just HAVE to be that predictable? So freakin’ cliche? Hasn’t the Conservative-Christian-dumped-my-wife-married-a-model thing been done already?

Sigh. Mock the liberals for their double-standards – but ignore ours. Mock the liberals for their holier-than-thou smugness – but ignore ours. Got it.

Am I just crazy to think “devout evangelical” carries a little more weight …. when someone actually tries to LIVE like they believe it?

If not – does that mean I have to stop mocking liberal environmental whackos who fly their private jets to anti-pollution protests? Does this mean I can’t mock Rosie O’Donnell for being anti-gun … and having a body guard who (say it with me) carries a handgun?

Well, at least Norris talks a good game, right? And since he’s us and not them, I’ll just ignore the obvious.

Jack Bauer could still kick his ass, though.

Professor Blather on October 26, 2006 at 4:12 PM

Just a reminder from my post about 75 posts up… he has a ‘Christian’ area on his website:

SilverStar830 on October 26, 2006 at 4:28 PM

What’s interesting on his site is the information on how he rededicated his life to Christ and got remarried 8 years ago…10 years after his divorce. So unlike some make it sound, he didn’t just up and leave his wife for some blonde bimbo while spouting Christian doctrine. Seems like he has been pretty open about how he was away from God all those years and has come back. Hmmmm…what’s that verse about judging or the one about grace and forgiveness? Some folks on this blog should remember those…

Centurion68 on October 26, 2006 at 4:36 PM

Were I somebody of note, who ended up having a set of humorous “facts” attributed to me, some of which are only properly attributed to God, I would find myself making the same sort of disclaimers that Chuck did.

It is a Christian’s responsibility to show Jesus to those around us. That’s a hard enough thing to do in person, or through visual media. Harder yet to do in print.

AP, forgive me picking nits, but you called it proselytizing, and that is inaccurate. For him to take the humorous things written and use them to point out who really can forgive sin and perform miracles, we can agree that it is evangelism. Proselytizing carries a much more forceful aspect to its definition. Either way…

“And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen” Matt 28:18-20

If a person is a bible-believing Christian, it is counted a duty and a privilege to obey the Great Commission, as these verses are known. I can’t see a good reason for bashing Chuck Norris because he took an opportunity to do so. Most celebrities who have any Christianity to them hide it for all their worth.

Freelancer on October 26, 2006 at 9:19 PM


Drat, still no preview or edit…

Freelancer on October 26, 2006 at 9:21 PM


I laughed, I cried.

I wasted yet another hour of my life that I will never get back…

Jaibones on October 26, 2006 at 11:49 PM

Ah, see? You’re “sucking up.” I’m immediately elevating you to Megacommenter status, which authorizes you to ban commenters you don’t like, phone me at three in the morning, and attend the annual HA family brunch at the Malkin ranch in May.

Allahpundit on October 26, 2006 at 10:49 AM

hmmm…. what do I have to do to get elevated to the status where Michelle uses her Fox News connections to hook me up with Julie Banderas or Rebecca Gomez? (Of course Kiran Chetry too, but sense I know that she’s married I’ll try to be respectful).

RightWinged on October 27, 2006 at 12:36 AM

re: AP vs. CN

For obnoxious attempts at humor, I call it a draw.

In the ring, even at his age, I give Chuck the edge…KO, in 10.5 seconds.

re: Jack Bauer, when he learns a proper grip and takes the easy rescue shot at 7yds to save his girlfriend instead of letting her bleed and trusting the tender mercies of Mr. Robocop…he’ll get my respect.

CZ52GUY on October 27, 2006 at 1:21 PM