Bad food idea of the day

posted at 9:49 pm on August 31, 2006 by Bryan

Have you ever seen how a dog behaves when he bites into something that he really doesn’t like? How he leaves his mouth open and seems to be licking the surface of his teeth to just get. that. taste. out?

I just did that.

At dinner tonight, we had a very good southern meal brilliantly executed–pork chops and gravy. There are better southern meals in the pantheon, but not many. Chicken fried steak. Rib eye steak, grilled to perfection over a charcoal fire (not gas, you weaklings). One or two burgers on the Sonic menu, as long as a limeade accompanies them. But pork chops and gravy is up there. Can I get an amen?

A little while afterwards I wanted a snack and a few minutes out of the house so I headed up the the neighborhood store. They sell a great creme soda there. I always check the snack racks to see what’s new, and walking past the rack my eyes beheld a strange sight: Ketchup flavored potato chips. I’ve never had those before, and I do like my chips, so I figured “What can go wrong?” I like potatoes, and I like ketchup, and as french fries I like the two together. “What can go wrong?”

Well.

Murphy’s Law states that whatever can go wrong, will. And in the case of ketchup flavored potato chips, everything has indeed gone wrong. They are to potato chips what Sy Hersch is to reliable reporting. They are to a tasty snack what Gigli is to brilliant film making. They are to food what Hezbollah is to dead-aim accurate rocketry. Ketchup flavored chips are to food what the UN is to decisive, correct action that helps democracy and thwarts tyrants.

Ketchup flavored potato chips are a food crime.

That is all I have to say.


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What can go wrong? you ask AP…

We can end up with chronic acid stomachs…uhhhh

Entelechy on August 31, 2006 at 9:51 PM

Ketchup flavored potato chips are a food crime.

LOL! Do not go to the UK then! They have tomato flavored chips, but the worst are the Prawn (shrimp) flavor!

Bomb Doctor on August 31, 2006 at 9:52 PM

Bryan, I’m sorry – I just slapped myself for confusing you with the deity. My very bad, sincerely,

Entelechy on August 31, 2006 at 9:53 PM

No problem. I’m getting used to it, actually. And if in writing I have to be confused with somebody, I’d take Allah over just about anybody.

As for the UK, I’ve been there. Other than fish and chips it’s a lovely country awash in regrettable food.

Bryan on August 31, 2006 at 9:55 PM

Great post, Michelle!

/snark off

That flavor? It ain’t ketchup. I don’t know what it is, but it ain’t ketchup.

Pablo on August 31, 2006 at 10:00 PM

Bryan, You still owe me a bag of salt and vinegar pork rinds. I’ll take a creme soda, too, please.

And while we’re on food, don’t worry, Allah. Your box of Dunkin Donuts munchkins is coming.

Michelle on August 31, 2006 at 10:03 PM

If you had some regular chips, and some Jose Goldstein Garlic Ketchup, you’d probably be in pretty good shape.

Pablo on August 31, 2006 at 10:04 PM

I had to go and blog about food! I thought you’d forgotten about those salt-n-vineger pork rinds…

As for the garlic ketchup, it sounds good but if I’m going to buy something in a bottle like that, it’s going to come from source like this. Dave’s Insanity, baby. Live it.

Bryan on August 31, 2006 at 10:09 PM

Can I get an amen?

Amen. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy tops it to my mind, but preach it, brother Bryan, it’s up there.

Anwyn on August 31, 2006 at 10:18 PM

Pork chops and gravy is good, but chicken-friend steak, fries and milk gravy?

Sublime.

Slublog on August 31, 2006 at 10:25 PM

I meant chicken-fried, of course.

I would never put my friends in a fryer.

Unless, of course, I thought there might be a good meal in it.

Slublog on August 31, 2006 at 10:26 PM

It might be a New England thing. I like these:

Rich on August 31, 2006 at 10:30 PM

Rich on August 31, 2006 at 10:30 PM

http://www.taquitos.net/snacks.php?snack_code=161

having linking issues

Rich on August 31, 2006 at 10:31 PM

Looks like Lays has just decided to mass market an already invented flavor:

http://www.taquitos.net/snacks.php?category_code=40

Thats a lot of different brands.

Rich on August 31, 2006 at 10:34 PM

I have to agree with Bomb Doctor, I went on a taste testing jag while on holiday in UK in March, and of the lot, the Prawn Cocktail ones were by far the worst I’d ever tasted. (The Rotisserie Chicken ones were pure shite too, though not nearly as bad.)
Thumbs up to the Heinz Brown Sauce though. Why we don’t get it here, I don’t know.

But I don’t EVEN want to try ketchup potato chips…

tickleddragon on August 31, 2006 at 11:10 PM

Definite amen on the southern food, man! It’s the best!

As for ketchup chips…yeeeeeahhh, um, doesn’t sound that great. I hear they’re popular in the UK. Figures. I’ve tried salt-and-pepper chips before, they weren’t anything special either. Dill flavored chips aren’t bad, though.

BTW, I noticed the chips were Heinz-ketchup-flavored. Is there any way we can blame John Kerry for this culinary fiasco? “I actually did vote for ketchup chips, before I spit them out.”

CP on August 31, 2006 at 11:14 PM

That’s the prob Bryan, like CP said, it’s the Heinz factor…they’d prolly be lots better if it was Hunt’s brand.

By the way, I love the dill pickle chips by Lay’s! They’re goooood!

Melba Toast on August 31, 2006 at 11:34 PM

It might be a New England thing.

Salt and vinegar chips. Yum.

Pablo on August 31, 2006 at 11:38 PM

Those Archer Farms maple BBQ flavor chips at Target? Total disappointment.

Hey, bloggers and blog readers talking about what fatty snack foods they’ve eaten. Perfect.

Jim Treacher on August 31, 2006 at 11:53 PM

The best execution of pork chops involves browning/searing them on each side, then it’s off to the pressure cooker. Put a stainless steel colander in the bottom of the pressure cooker, with water under that, so that the colander allows the steam to come through but keeps the chops from actually boiling in the water itself.

This technique seals all the flavor in, and makes the chops so tender that they fall off the bone and melt in your mouth. Damn. This is not good right before bedtime. I know what I want for dinner tomorrow night!

The Monster on September 1, 2006 at 12:21 AM

Pork chops and pork rinds. Defiling the Temple! :)

Drtuddle on September 1, 2006 at 1:26 AM

AMEN Brother Bryan!

V5 on September 1, 2006 at 8:01 AM

If only you’d had some Pepsi Kona to drink with the chips…blech!

MamaAJ on September 1, 2006 at 8:33 AM

I don’t follow you Bryan. Did you like them or not?

Kevin M on September 1, 2006 at 8:44 AM

As soon as you saw the Heinz logo you had to figure it would leave a bad taste in your mouth. Now lets talk about these porkchops. Did you have red eye gravy with them and where was the applesauce?

Long Island Pete on September 1, 2006 at 9:58 AM

It was milk gravy, no applesauce (never cared for applesauce).

Bryan on September 1, 2006 at 10:01 AM

Milk gray with sausage? Even better and thats coming from a Yankee.

Long Island Pete on September 1, 2006 at 10:24 AM

Dude, you just killed my career. I slave away in the sweltering heat of Herr’s test kitchen for 18-20 hours a day, racking my brain and torturing my taste buds in quest of the holy grail of culinary flavor inbreeding and what do I get? You, licking your chops like some reverse Pavlovian dog. Why do I try? Why? You have…

1) Destroyed my self-esteem
2) Set me up for a negative review at Herr’s which will
3) Destroy my self-esteem some more
4) Ruined my marriage
5) Super destroyed my self-esteem
6) Forced me to put my kids in public school
7) Sharply reduced property values in the neighborhood and
8) Left my self-esteem in shreds.

This is what you caused. You and George Bush, that is.

PS. “Tortured Taste Buds” is an excellent name for a band.

GPE on September 1, 2006 at 10:59 AM

Ketchup flavored potato chips are a food crime.

They’re a Canadian staple, from what I hear. “Ketch chips” they called ‘em. I met some kids in Canada a while back who were floored that I hadn’t heard of them. In fact, they made me wait while someone went out and bought me a bag. I didn’t really like ‘em. I nearly got exorcised.

Mark Jaquith on September 1, 2006 at 11:45 AM

Best pork chop I ever had was at the old Golden Ox here in KC. Well, they called it a ‘smoked pork chop’ but I always thought they were wrong. Sure, if you looked straight down on it it looked like a pork chop but from the side you could tell it wasn’t. Pork chops aren’t 2 inches thick. Things were so tough you had to cut them with a fork.

As to the ketchup flavored chips you made a common error. You said to yourself: A tastes good, B tastes good, and C, which is much like A, tastes good with B. Therefore the pre-made combo of A + B should be good. That may or may not be true, but the one thing that is true is that the pre-made combo will taste nothing like, A, B, A+B, C, or any other recognizable food item. It may or may not taste good, but the one thing you can be sure of is that it won’t taste like the description would lead you to believe.

KCSteve on September 1, 2006 at 12:22 PM

You’re upset by ketchup chips? That ain’t nothing, my friend.

We were in Scotland last week, eating in the cafeteria at Tim Blair’s ancestral home, and my wife bought a bag of potato chips to eat with her sandwich. She ate a chip and the look on her face was indescribable…becasue she didn’t realize she had bought haggis flavored chips.

Mr. Bingley on September 1, 2006 at 2:45 PM

Food blogging, that’s gotta be a new one.

Ian on September 2, 2006 at 9:55 PM